An Attempt

Sometimes I just feel super unmotivated. Yet at the same time, I really want to get something done. It’s like a constant tearing in opposite directions. I don’t really know how to explain it. Hmm…I don’t really know how to explain it at all. …Fail of a post.

Three Eternal Truths

• Things are not what they seem.
• We are at war.
• You have a role to play.

Regarding Genesis 6:5-6

"When the Lord saw that man's wickedness was widespread on the earth and that every scheme his mind thought of was nothing but evil all the time, the Lord regretted that He had made man on the earth, and he was grieved in His heart"

I don't understand
The iniquity of man
Tis more than my heart can make sense of

Most Glorious God
It is my sin that You see
Did You really regret creating me?

You destroyed all the people, animals, plants
An immaculate new beginning
An unmerited second chance

Yet tainted I stand now
And I cannot grasp how
Your heart can bear the agony of my sin

I know You've been grieved
Because You have seen me
And all of the horror within

Please cleanse me, O God
Purify my stained soul
To delight in Your Will is my goal.

He costs everything. He is worth the price.

Just a Reminder: July 27, 2009

Dear MaryBeth,
If you ever find yourself to be quite overwhelmed, maybe it is time that you just take a break and let your mind rest. Refocus yourself. Stop thinking so much. Stop thinking about the stuff that makes your brain hurt and your heart cry and your eyes fill up with tears. Just rest. Let your mind be still. Renew your spirit. It's very refreshing. And just remember where your true focus lies. Get rid of all your distractions for a day. Soak up the peace of your God. Take a break, dear child. You need it. And you won't regret it.

It Feels Like Chaos But Somehow There's Peace: July 25, 2009

Ah, isn't it crazy what our awesome God is capable of?

So today I was thinking about homeschooling next year and friend stuff and a crazy amount of other things that are just very uncertain in my life right now. And even though I know I can't really control what happens and my mind feels kind of chaotic and unsure about the whole thing, I have been overwhelmed with this ridiculous amout of peace about it all. It's so cool. Like God just knows I'm unsure about it, so He is sending a good dosage of peace my way. It's all going to be alright. In all things God works for the good of those who love him. "Yay!" Because that's me. And that gives me peace and security and confidence. I shall not worry about the future. God has that completely taken care of. Ah, that is so lovely.

Thank for the peace, God.
I really needed it.

And Why Do You Worry About Tomorrow? July 21, 2009

So I surrender in whole-hearted prayer to my God, and I cry out all of my worries, fears, and doubts. "Oh God, please help me. I need peace." And as I am still I hear a gentle, comforting answer.

Do not worry about anything, my beautiful daughter. For I know the plans I have for you. And you are wrapped in my arms. You will not be harmed. Do not worry about the future. You do not have to figure everything out. In fact, please do not try. I've already got it figured out. I've known it since the day I knit you in your mother's womb. Trust in Me. You are safe Here. And I love you. Please stay close by. Because I like talking with you, My love.

Ah, thanks God.
I love You too.

The Splendor of the King: July 24, 2009

Splendor: luster; a quality that outshines the usual

So I was thinking today about my God. And as I dwelled on His greatness, my heart was simply captured. I was just overwhelmed by the Lord's awesomeness. I thought about my life; and I thought, "I am happy. I am really happy." My heart is in a constant state of joy. I am growing and learning and being molded into the woman God wants me to be. I am flourishing. I am letting myself be utterly beautiful. I would not ask for anything different in my life. I am blessed beyond all measure. I am a beautiful child of the Creator of the universe! And I am patiently awaiting my Bridegroom. I am in love. I am being stretched and taught through each of my trials. I am learning to rejoice in them. And I am letting them shape me. I am making choices that God has approved of. I am looking forward to the coming year and new challenges to overcome. And now...I just sit back, renew my mind, and bask in the greatness of my God. The splendor of my King. He outshines everyone and everything. Ah, my God is indescribable. How Glorious! How undeserving am I of His wonderful power and love.

Thank You, God, for Your splendor.

...and I fall to my knees so it's You that they see, not I.

Hold On Tight 'Cause Jealousy Hurts: July 30, 2009

I hate jealousy. Let's be honest here. It is ridiculously horrible. I despise it. I hope it dies and burns in hell. There is not one single thing about jealousy that is appealing to me. It sneaks into my life and chokes me. It holds me captive and tells me I'm not good enough. It whispers lies into my ear, slowly, painfully ripping me apart; suffocating me. I cannot breathe. And I cannot even feel confident around my own friends. Jealousy destroys relationships and common sense. It stirs up bitterness and drives me totally insane! I just want to fall desperately to my knees, hold up my white flag, and scream "Okay! You win!" I don't want to fight against you anymore, Jealousy. Just claim your victory, please. And then leave. I wish I had wise words and advice to share about jealousy. I wish I could somehow relate it back to God and His mighty power, and this would end with everything being ok. But...it isn't gonna happen like that. Not this time. All I came to say...is that jealousy hurts. And it kills me.

"Comfort, comfort My people," says your God.
Isaiah 40:1

Mmm. Soak it up.

The Arms Of My Savior

Today was long. And hard. And exhausting. When I woke up today...I did not want to start the day. I just wanted to skip this day and move on to the next one. I knew it was going to be a hard one.

I'm so glad I have the arms of my Savior to come home and collapse into. I would be lost without his consistency and strength.

This song popped into my head this morning while I was at work. (Thank you, Jesus.) I was singing it all day. This song helped me get through today. It's called "The Arms Of My Savior" by Lincoln Brewster. Let it move you.

When I'm all alone
And the weight of the world
Is more than I can bear on my own
When all my plans have failed
And I suffered defeat
I'm down on my knees
I can't get to my feet

Your love breaks through
And reminds me of the hope that I have in You
That I have in You

Chorus:
There's no other place
That I'd rather be
Than safe in the arms
The arms of my Savior

There's no other place
Where I can be free
So I run to the arms
The arms of my Savior

When I'm feeling overwhelmed
Like I can't take anymore
I've thrown up my hands
All I see is the floor
I've looked to the north
The south, the west, and the east
But as far as I can see
I can't find any peace

Your grace breaks through
And reminds me of the hope that I have in You
That I have in You

Life shouldn't be something to dread
'Cause I know You still know
How many hairs are in my head
And so I run to You
And so I run to You

Kids, Camp, and Sunny Weather: July 14, 2009

Little kids hurt too. I think sometimes we overlook that and assume that there are just the quiet, good ones, and the brats who act up. And more often than not we just figure that that's the way they are! They're just "that kind of kid." But what if we tried to figure out the reasoning behind why they are how they are? Maybe we would come to find that a lot of those outgoing ones who act up are really just lashing out out of confusion and never quite being taught what was right and wrong. Maybe they're treating people the only way they've ever been treated at home. And they just don't know a normal life. Maybe they need God just like I do. And what if that little one in the corner who just hides away has a reason for being that way? What if it goes beyond personality, all the way to something they've experienced in their young lives? What if, even at the age of 8, they are wearing a mask? They're putting on a fake. Is that what this world has become? How. Sad. What if they're trapped in these shells, too afraid to break out because they've already been hurt too much in their lives. What if they need God just like I do? ....Just a thought.

Divorce...among other thoughts: July 11, 2009

So today I was thinking about a Christian family that I know who is going through a divorce. And I was thinking about my God who is mighty to save. And it was very conflicting in my heartish area. It was like I could hear Satan whispering in my ear, "He let this happen to that family. What about that points to a God who is mighty to save? Maybe he can move the mountains, but it appears that in this case, he just chose not to. Is that the kind of God you want to trust your life with? One who, on occasion, is mighty to save?" And I know it's Satan telling me these things. And I know he's wrong and he's lying to me. But...I hesitantly say...he raises a good point. What am I supposed to do with that? Why is the world so utterly broken? Why does is all hurt so bad? Why are children starving, babies dying, parents fighting...and why am I crying? Where is my mighty Savior? I want the one who moves the mountains. The one who saves me from my fears and failures. Where is that God? Why does it feel like a neverending cycle of pain? Brokenness----
(I was cut off midsentence here by a text message from a friend. It has a few different quotes in it. I finished my journal entry by writing those down.)

"Through all our trials and fears, He will still hold us. No matter what. The times of life, we can't tell what they bring. But only You can see our true lives. You can see everything. So why aren't we honest with you, Lord? I feel so trapped among this world. So I lay my head upon Your shoulder and I rest in Your arms of love. I want to be more honest with myself. I want to raise my heart above to be covered with Your love."

"Life is difficult. This is a great truth. One of the greatest truths. It is a great truth because once we truly see this truth, we transcend it. Once we know that life is difficult-once we truly understand and accept it-then life is no longer difficult. Because once it is accepted, the fact that life is difficult no longer matters."

July 10, 2009

everything. burns.