I've been trying to write about you
for three years,
but the only words I've been able to muster are
I'm sorry. 

Dear Stranger at the Bus Stop Who's Name I Think Might Be Nick,

Dear Stranger at the Bus Stop Who's Name I Think Might Be Nick,

Thank you for sarcastic comments, witty remarks, awkward laughter,
questions, answers, handshakes, and listening
while I rambled about a book of short stories that doesn't make any sense.

You will probably never know it, but you were exactly what I needed today.

And I may never see you again;
Or perhaps you will pass by
and we will not recognize each other
because our interaction was so brief.

But you made today better.

Which is why I am writing
to tell you
thank you.

Leap

I can't post the words to my slam poem on here.Slam doesn't work like that.
I must slam it for you.

Dear Professor,

Dear Professor,

I am sorry, but I cannot join the class today in critically analyzing Stephen Chbosky's popular novel, The Perks of Being a Wallflower. 

It is perhaps for the same reason that you cannot take a sunset and dissect its colors and patterns, studying how the prisms of light band together to create reds, yellows, blues.

You see, to me, The Perks of Being a Wallflower is wholly beautiful and complete. Its technicalities should not be tampered with.

I am not saying you should not pick it apart. I encourage the class to join you in discussing the strengths of its form and the misplacement of its genre.

I, however, will be unable to join you.

My reason, you will find, is most compelling.

This book saved my life.

Approximately sixteen months ago, I found myself alone and crazy in a dusty brown city in Northeast Africa.
Approximately sixteen months ago, my mother made an eight thousand mile phone call to ask me if I was having thoughts of suicide.
Approximately sixteen months ago, "yes" was the only word I could mutter.

See you, this book saved my life.

Because this is the book I brought with me for the seventeen hour plane ride during which I spent more time freaking out than reading.

So this is the book that joined me in bed for five nights when panic attacks denied me slumber.

I didn't have any people with me during those nights.

But I had God.
And I had Charlie.

And I firmly believe that between the two of them, I somehow stayed alive long enough to make it home.

Me and God and Charlie hung out on a metal bunk bed for days, thinking about life and sharing in the darkness.

So I am sorry that I cannot join the class today in critically analyzing this novel.

I, instead, will sit silently and thank God and Charlie for life.

I hope you understand,

Your Student

I do not know
why I ever
stop
running

I only
      know
            why I
                    begin

You Were There Waiting For Me

Chicago felt like home today,

smelled like America

ringing with familiar

shrieks of children, tears

of joy, silent

moments of regret

scanning walltowalltowall

moving past corners

where will I find you will I find you how far did they let you come did you make it to my terminal or areyoustuckbehindthedoors

stuck in traffic

stuck in time

stuck anywhere but home

hold yourself together

hold yourself

hold on tight

walking calmly, as if returning

from business

I spot you

quickened pace, eager

but collected

I am okay.

I am not.

Sprint.

drop bags

throw arms

face in shoulder

I crumble into you

wrapped tightly

sobs escape

I am not okay

It was not okay
I melt
I collapse
I surrender

You were there waiting for me.

eyes pooling; relief and exhaustion

softly you whisper,

happy birthday, baby

[and I miss you everyday]

three years ago [this morning]

you didn’t wake up

and I will never be the same

Cemetery

flowers

fake flowers

blooming flowers

flowers that were once alive and now are withered and

dead

dead. 

flags

American flags

military flags

flags with little sayings on them about angels and heaven

stones

stepping stones

gravestones

stones with the same little sayings about the same little things

names

family names

baby names

name of the surviving spouse, birth year only; awaiting death to be joined with love again

your shrinking, dilapidated stone has none

of the aforementioned 

accessories

I cannot make out any characters 

but the one-eight-six-zero

I think next time

I will bring you some flowers

living flowers.

Don't you realize that He has the power to break the door down?

Here I am! I stand at the door and knock. 
If anyone hears my voice and opens the door, 
I will come in and eat with him,
and he with me.
- Revelation 3:20

But He comes to you 
humbly. 

And I Know That It Ended

I'm not so sure when it started
but I know that it ended
last week
when I told you I wanted
something else
and you said "okay"
and kissed me goodbye.

And I know that it ended the next day
when we talked about how
this is so much harder
than we expected.

And I know that it ended the day after that
when we didn't talk at all -
I just sat at a coffee shop and wept.

And I know that it ended on friday
when you took my order
and our eyes did not meet.

And I know that it ended last night
when three a.m. forced us apart
through weeping and fear.

And I know that it ended today
when we ran out of things to write about.

I don't believe in
fate

but if I did

our lives would
exemplify
its destinies.

meet me at barnes & noble

meet me at barnes & noble
if the world ends

i'll be waiting
somewhere between
poetry
and
romance

cross-legged on the floor
expecting you
every minute

and we will live off of
young adult fiction
starbucks
and words

like we've always wanted to do
anyway

we'll start with the classics
and work our way to more obscure titles
choosing the most appealing covers first

and when we get bored
which we won't

we'll venture to the children's books
and love every moment
until the end

Reasons To Go Home

Because you can run
the entirety of the town
at 9 p.m. on a spring Saturday
and not have to move out of the way
of a single moving vehicle

as if it's all yours.

Copeland

It's crazy about Copeland, huh?

How in that moment
we were undoubtedly together

yet also
remarkably
distant.

Kind of like right now. 

Twenty-Five Reasons Summer Is Going To Be A Time Of Refreshing

• vegetables, herbs, and watermelon
• front yard flowers
• hammocks
• an unending summer reading list
• back yard fires
• morning runs
• color runs
• sister time
• unearthing yard sale treasures
• mom and dad
• home cooking
• garden salsa
• jars and jars of pickles
• taking fresh baked bread to my aunt
• neighbors
• sunshine, sunburns, and sun-tans
• summer small group
• a new set of high schoolers to love
• erin and marybeth's summer road trip extravaganza
• some serious camping 
• being barefoot
• faith bible camp
• all of the concerts
• jefferson bethke 
• Jesus

So I commended enjoyment because there is nothing better for man under the sun than to eat, drink, and enjoy himself, for this will accompany him in his labor during the days of his life that God gives him under the sun. -Ecclesiastes 8:15

it's the hashtags

it's the hashtags

the damn hashtags

and the words

no one likes hashtags
and
words

all the people who like the poems hate the hashtags
and all the people who like the hashtags hate the poems

....except us.

yeah.

i get you. 

since feeling

since feeling is first
guard your heart

while Spring is in the world
love with all you've got
recklessly, unrelenting

and kisses
.....and kisses

Don't cry

it's complete surrender

don't regret it,
k?

and I won't

and you won't

and we're shaken

and death i think is no parenthesis

Elevator

Through tear stained eyes
I see him get on
and select floor number six

Please don't talk to me

Please don't talk to me

Please don't talk to me

"Is everything alright?"

He asks, as if he truly cares

And in twelve seconds
I explain my world

"I'm sorry. I hope it gets better."

And I think he actually meant it.

hashtag english three-sixty six

english three-sixty six

has become this semester's salvation

and I do not know how a class can save

but it can

and it is

#divergent #yoloingwithinreason #twitter
#blackoutpoetry #teachermom #silentsustainedreading
 #thosepeoplethough #buttons #silverhair #lucy #wildcard #eng366 

“What you remember saves you.” 
― W.S. Merwin

sexy

when did
sexy 
become an appropriate word
to use to describe a
seventh floor
girls
communal bathroom

and why are all of the lights
off

the way you

the way you 

unashamedly 

play your harmonica

in the midst of an

april snow storm

gives me no choice

but to be a slightly 

better person

Take Chances

If you are going to take chances
take good chances

Like sky diving
zip-lining
water skiing
road tripping

Tell a stranger you love him
and mean it

Pay for one movie
but stay for three

Fall in love
ride a motorcycle
get the tattoo you've always wanted

Travel to a foreign country
and make memories for a lifetime

Move to the city

Move back home

Write ardently
and without apology

Perform your poetry

Take chances

Words

What is your favorite?

My favorite? What is my favorite?
I'm not sure I understand the question.

Just . . . what is your favorite?

- - - - - - - - -

Words.

Words are my favorite. 

Bookshelves

I have four bookshelves

but I only own three 

And I must acquire more 

For I cannot contain all of my stories

on four bookshelves

and sometimes three

Things To Be Happy About VII

• Weather that is above freezing 
• Giraffes
• Honey vanilla chamomile tea
• Concerts that make your top ten list 
• Classy bars
• Peanut butter and banana sandwiches 
• Always having another book to read
• Sunny afternoon runs 
• Meeting goals 
• John Lennon
• Not having an asthma attack 
• Sun burns 
• Aloe Vera plants 
• Planning a road trip
• Digging another garden 
• Jesus sandals 
• Talking theology
• A new toothbrush 
• The book of Ecclesiastes 
• Not having to set your alarm
• New windshield wipers 
• Poetry slams  

Polaris

a bench

a hill

a cat

strawberry cigars

your hands are cold,

feel mine

t-ball

road trips

cilantro

the etymology of your last name 

mysterious sigh

polaris

this one time at camp 

falling asleep at the same concert 

four years ago

yellowcard 

moments

a quite good day

you're shivering 

let's go

Deadlines

What if being a teacher

is just like being a student

in that life is driven forward by deadlines 

and you can never quite catch up

If I Was Gay

If I was gay
would you turn me away, too?

Or have you loved me long enough already
that you could let it slide?

If I was gay
would you hand me over, too
hoping that someone, somewhere
would do what you chose not to?

Or is my life worth fighting for?

If I was gay
would you love me?

Not "despite of..."
but just love me?

I am not gay.

But if I was...

Would you?


"When they kept on questioning him, Jesus straightened up and said to them, 
'Let any one of you who is without sin be the first to throw a stone at her.' 
- John 8

Body

If the first thing you did when you saw me
was try to determine if I was more or less
fat
than you,
then welcome to the party.

My jeans are size twelve,
but I look like I wear a size ten.
Does that help you out?

The average American woman wears a size fourteen
....according to WebMD.
So my thighs are slightly less thunderous
than Jane Doe's.
But they can sure hold their own
in my group of size zero friends.

If you're trying to decide if I'm prettier than you,
might I ask you to wait until I'm wearing my cute outfit?
That way I've at least got a fair shot.

Do you tell me I'm beautiful every time you see me
because you think you're not?

But here is where it gets real:

I've never met someone and not compared myself to them.

I've never met someone
and not compared myself to them.

I've never
met
someone
and
not
compared
myself
to them. 

It's Not That I'm Not Over You, It's Just That I Remember You

"You will never be more wrong than the first time you say 'I love you.'" - Neil Hilborn

Fourteen years
And we must know
that we are soul mates

I think it was the way your
greasy blonde teenage boy hair
dipped ever so slightly over your right eye
to the dismay of your parents

That's how I knew

How did you know?

Was it the way I manipulated
everyone I knew?

Or my willingness to request the bathroom pass
five times during geometry class
so I could text you in the stall
about how excited I was to see
a crappy concert with you
and our other friend
and our other friend's dad
next weekend?

That must have been it -
the text messages

Or was it the way I lost every friend I had
to make more space in my life
for being wildly in love with you?

Friends I would
never
get
back

Was it my sudden enthusiasm to participate in all things church
in hopes that you might do the same
and we could find a safe, neutral ground for our
being together-ness
since our parents wouldn't approve until we were sixteen

The age of maturity

Sixteen is for losers
I knew I was in love with you
at least one point seven years before that

Thinking you're in love makes you do crazy things
like manage to use church activities as a form of rebellion
like sacrifice every best friend you have in high school
like cross every boundary you read about in every Christian dating book your mom bought for you

Like spiral into an endless depression
the day you said
"It never meant anything to me"

A depression I swallowed a pill to tame
at approximately two forty three this afternoon

Like leave public school
to spend more time with your mom
when the friends you abandoned
abandoned you too

Like keep your old sweatshirts
in my closet for years
never wearing them
but never throwing them out
because they're nice sweatshirts
and they really should get some use someday

Like my mind immediately flashing to memories of
me and you
and text messages
and crappy concerts
and evangelistic puppet teams
and crying myself to sleep
for a year

when he says,
"You will never be more wrong
than the first time you say
I love you"

Little Moments

Like when the freezing rain and wind and silence hit your face and you are still and it is good 

Like when you take a bite of caramel pecan cheesecake that leaves you utterly speechless 

Like when you gaze at the very place Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. was shot and nothing else is happening, it's just you and him and a world of impact 

Like when you guide your friend beneath the water, bringing her and her new life in Christ back to the surface

I don't have a lot figured out

But I have these little moments

And they just might matter more than anything else

Why I Think it's Okay to be Discontent as a Christian Single

....especially on Valentine's Day.

There's something going on that I just need to address.

Valentine's day is tomorrow, and I'm complaining about it.
I don't like Valentine's day because it reminds me that one of the most beautiful things God has ever created is going on all around me and I am not a part of it.
And that stinks.

I've been seeing a lot of Christians around me talk about how we need to be content as Christian singles. How we need to let Jesus be enough. How we need to seek nothing beyond a relationship with him. How by letting the world know that we would like to experience this wonderful romantic love thing, we are somehow communicating that Jesus is not enough for us and therefore killing our witness.

And I love Jesus. You know that.
But I would just like to say that I think all of this being content in singleness stuff is a lot of crap.

You see, God created love. He created relationship. He created marriage.

He said that it was not good for man to be alone.
Even with God right there with him, Adam needed someone else.
And God gave her to him.
Because we were created for relationship.
We were not created to do life alone.
God has bigger plans than that. And he is the creator of love, relationships, and marriage.
He wants those things for us.
And to say that we need to be content without them just creates a lot of people faking contentedness in hopes that God will see their contentment and grant them relationship.
Because that is how we're told it works, right?
Become content in singleness, and then, when you least expect it and you are so in love with Jesus that you have completely forgotten about guys, he will sweep you off your feet with the man of your dreams.

That is as much of a fairytale as any Disney movie.
It doesn't happen like that.
And I don't believe that is how God created it to happen.

I don't think being discontent with singleness or Valentine's day hurts my witness for Christ. Because it shows that I am seeking what he has created for me. And I want to be a part of that party.

Of course, if these thoughts controlled my life and caused me to be unable to focus on loving Christ and serving him, we would have a problem. But they're not. This is just real life and these are real, valid feelings.

Christians keep trying to guilt trip me into being content in my singleness.
They tell me that I need to let Jesus be enough.
They tell me that my desire for a relationship is an idol competing against Christ in me.
They've probably told it to you, too.
And I'm just not okay with it anymore.

Christ in me will always shine, whether I am single or in a relationship.
And I think Valentine's Day is a time to celebrate the beautiful gifts of love God has given us.
And I can't help but feel that as a single person, I am just missing out a bit.

I know being in a relationship or a marriage isn't for everyone. Not everyone strongly desires that. And that is okay. It's great, even. If you are content in singleness, then more power to you. But if you aren't, let that be okay, too.

I am single and I am discontent with that.
And I am not trying to fix it.

Listen to Matt Chandler, he speaks it far better than I can.

God was more faithful to me
than I was to Him.

Over
and
over. 

Group Therapy

Yesterday
my entire women's small group
decided we should probably see a counselor

individually

and for a myriad of different reasons.

Because life is hard sometimes
and everyone has got a lot of crap
they're carrying around everyday.

And maybe it would just be good to talk about it.

And I think this may be
the most authentic group of people
I have ever been so blessed
to be placed with.

Coffee Shop Banter

Today

my coffee shop friend

was wearing a t-shirt

a sweatshirt

a button-up

a vest

and a coat

simultaneously. 

As I confronted him on this 

extraordinary wardrobe choice

he simply remarked...

"Well, what was I supposed to wear?" 

Followed by,

"My girlfriend told me I should start dressing in layers."

And,

"But, seriously, is that not normal?" 

At which point I proceeded to laugh,

as I shared with him the brutal truth.

"I wouldn't say it's 'normal'

but it is a unique choice."

Promptly pointing to my feet,

he rebutted,

"Do you always match your socks to your cardigan? 

Because that's probably not normal." 

I concur, dear coffee shop friend,

I concur. 

First Date

I haven’t been outside in three days

That is how cold it is.

But this hot tea

And your warm words

Make every shiver worth it.

I’ve lost track of how many doors

You’ve opened for me

All of them.

More than every guy I’ve ever known

Combined.

Six point five hours

Of tea

And stories

And theology

And fortune cookies

That lack any mysterious sentimental value

But taste okay.

It’s everything

I could have wanted.

And 97% less awkward than anticipated.