just a continuation of the previous year

new year
    new fears
       
more fun
       a ton

refreshing days
       i fix my gaze
on new horizons

sun up...sun down
       graduation gown
far from home
   on my own
just a phone call away
    it's okay. you don't have to stay

new friends
    discover
who i am
find a lover

kiss a boy
     maybe two
follow God
    try something new

attend a catholic service
for curiosity's sake

shake a stranger's hand
     birds sing me awake

take up flossing
   and maybe yoga too

expect the unexpected
    spend the day at a zoo
have more fun than i've ever had before
meet new folks
learn more jokes

acquire a taste for coffee
win a bet
wear a dress
to mcdonalds

be a model

cast a vote
citizen's right
read the bible
fly a kite

pray without ceasing
figure out what that means
develop a worldview
change my mind on a few things

be yourself
don't change for anyone else

don't make resolutions
care less about pollution

just make subtle changes
or drastic, if you please

new years are funny things
begin this one on my knees

Ode to a Friend

She came into my life like a rainstorm comes on a hot summer day
Surprising, refreshing, and in the most lovely sort of fashion
The kind that just makes you want to stop and laugh because it's so amazing and so perfect

She skips and giggles and has a singing voice that will blow you away
A lover of the most beautiful sorts of music
Danced in my living room last night like a black woman dances to R&B

Tries to 'bring out the red in her hair' while I just say
Heck with it, and dye mine bright auburn

Paints of ambition and opportunities to be grasped
Looks like a knock-out in her new plaid coat
Talks about real things, because that's what matters, right?

Gasps and apologizes when she swears.
I think it's cute.

Reads books just because I tell her to
Hugs me even when I'm dripping with toxic hair dye

Takes a chance with the un-named box of chocolates
Enjoys coffee, and keeps forgetting that I don't

Has the cutest boyfriend I ever did see

We're gonna go church hopping
And take pictures in the winter awesomeness

Not sure how it all happened like this
But I like it

It makes me smile in the morning
And sing in the afternoon

It's as if God was like...here MaryBeth...here's a reason to be happy
Because lovely people do exist
And here's one for you

"Maybe it's a twofer.  Maybe you needed a friend and I needed God."

Maybe so, dearest
Maybe so

I've just been so...

Busy.
Busy.
Freaking Busy.

No. Not me.
You.
That's what you keep telling me, at least.

You see, there's this thing happening lately, and I'm tired of it.
I contacted you to see if you wanted to sit and drink coffee with me and talk about anything under the sun...
And you told me that you would love to, but you're just so busy right now.
But maybe when things slow down we could figure something out.

But don't feel like I'm attacking you, because you're not the only one.
Quite honestly, it's pretty much everyone.
They've all just been so busy lately.

Hey, we haven't talked in a while. What's going on?
Oh, I know. I've just been so busy lately. I haven't had time to do anything.

I just realized that is a completely ridiculous statement. So busy you haven't had time to do anything.
Then what are you even busy with? You must be doing something. Something terribly important, it seems.

I haven't seen you at church in a while. What have you been up to?
Oh, you know, I'm just a busy guy. I try to come as much as I can.

Do you want to hang out sometime soon? You could come stay at my house for the weekend.
Oh, that sounds like so much fun. I'd really love to. But I'm really busy right now. When things slow down a bit though, we will do something for sure.

If  I hear the word busy one more time I might explode.
Don't tell me you're busy.
Either care about our relationship enough to make time for it, or tell me I don't rank high enough on your priority list to spend time nurturing this friendship...and then go away.

I realize that's kind of harsh. But I'm seriously fed up with the "busyness" that seems to be consuming our lives lately. What the heck are we all so busy with? And how much does that stuff really matter?

I don't know about you. But to me, people matter.
People matter more than homework.
and dishes. and shopping. and a job.
and cleaning your room.
and watching that show.
and sleeping in.
and going to this or that event.

My relationship with you, blog reader, matters.
You matter.
God matters.
Reality matters.
Caring and loving and helping matter.
Giving and learning and talking matter.

What are you living for?
Why are so many of us sucked into this disgusting trap of busyness.

I find this to be especially an issue in the Christian realm.
I find a lot of things to be especially an issue in the Christian realm.
By the way, that's pretty messed up.
But I'm serious, we get all wrapped up into our events.
We have schedules filled with all the stuff we're doing for God.
We volunteer and teach and haul children back and forth.
And we feel pretty holy about it all.

And that would all be just dandy, if you didn't blow me off every time I called you.
That would be super holy if you also managed to put effort into your relationships.

Relationship matters.
I would almost venture to say it matters the most.
It is at the core of love, beauty, and salvation.

But we've not much time for that serious stuff.
We've just been so......
Busy.

Infected

He told me my Christianity is like a disease.
A contagious virus that threatens to infect everyone I come in contact with.
And I can't control it. I can't choose to not infect. Because I'm a carrier.
I carry Christianity like a snot-nosed-kid carries a cold.

I told him my intentions were not to infect him.
I'm not trying to "christianize" anyone.
But apparently I don't get to choose. It's just who I am.
I have an ailment, a sickness, a virus, a malady.
I am contaminated, and if you spend too much time around me, you may catch it too.
Catch...belief. Catch faith. Catch God.

But don't worry, not everyone gets it.
Some people are strong enough to fight it off.
Some people, like him, are immune. Or so he says.
But I suppose there's always a chance.
Always a chance you could run into me and your life could be changed forever.

For a moment this grieved me. I was frustrated that I could not control it.
For a moment I was confused and puzzled at this new concept.
And then a thought....
A thought that went something like this:

Maybe, just maybe, I am carrying not a disease, but rather, a cure.

What if you're the sick one, and I have the answer?
What if what I am carrying will save your life?

You're already dying. Why not take the chance?
Whether it's a disease or a cure, I really don't care.
Come, drink my tonic.
Or my toxin, perhaps.
Be infected.
Be infected with me, friend.
And we'll start an epedemic.

An epedemic of the cure.

2 a.m.

*ring ring*

Uhh....Hello?

Hey, we need your help. We're at a party and he's throwing up all over the place. What should I do?

Okay, where are you?

I don't know. I don't know where we're at.

Did he drink too much? Does he need to go to the hospital?

No. no. He didn't drink too much. He's just throwing up and he keeps saying your name.

Okay. Can you get out of there? Can you get home?

Well, I could drive us home.

Wait, have you been drinking too?

Yeah, but not very much. I'm fine to drive.

NO! Do NOT drive. Listen to me. Do not drive. Please.

Well what should I do? Here, talk to him.

(non-comprehendable coversation with a totally wasted kid)

Listen, you cannot drive. I'm listening to you talk and I can tell that you are not okay to drive. Do you have anyone you could call to come pick you up?

No. My parents are out of town and his parents don't know he drinks. None of our friends would come get us.

Okay, well do not drive. Stay there. I'm so serious, listen to me. Do not drive.

I think we're gonna go to sleep.

Okay, that's a good idea. Go lay down. Don't go anywhere. Please.

Okay, hey, don't tell anyone about this okay? I don't want him to get in trouble.

Okay. Bye guys.

....5 minutes later

Hey MaryBeth, we just wanted to let you know that we were totally messing around with you. Here, talk to him.

Hey MaryBeth. Completely sober here. No drinking, we're both fine.

Are you serious?

Yeah. We're just hanging out playing cards.

I learned some things about myself last night. I learned that each day counts and things can change in an instant. I learned that I would have gotten up and driven to pick up these guys if they had insisted on driving. I learned I care a ton about these people that I just met a couple of weeks ago, and for some reason I would have given just about anything to save their lives. I prayed harder in those few minutes than I have in a long time. I learned that I care. More than I realized I ever did. And I learned that opportunities are everywhere. Even if it wasn't real this time, it could be next time. And I'm glad they know I'm there to call. I care. I'll always care. I'm here. I'm always here.  Life is short. Don't waste it, dear heart. Don't waste it.

Worth My Time

So I came to a point a while ago where I didn't want to trust people. None of them.
I didn't want to put my hopes in people. I didn't want to be let down again.
I didn't want to take the chance of being hurt.
I lost my hope in humanity. Yes, I did.
I decided people weren't worth my tears.
I decided people weren't worth my time.
I decided people would never do anything but let me down.
I decided to give up on anyone but me and God.
And there on that dark road with misty eyes and chilled bones I laid down my hope, my trust, my desires, my passions. And I made the decision that humanity was not worthy of seeing my heart. And I locked it up. And there I was. Just me and God. And no chance of ever being hurt again.

And then I tried to live. And it didn't work.
I was lonely. I was lost. I had no purpose. I had no reason to exist.
Maybe the pain had been worth it.

We were meant to live in relationship with other people. To love and be loved, to know and be known.

And I opened my eyes. And I said to God, surely there are good people out there. Surely there are people worth fighting for. Surely they don't all aim to destroy whole hearts.
And a still, small voice replied,

"Look for them."

So I did. I began looking for the good in people. I began expecting people to treat me right. I began discovering beauty in everyone. And this is what I saw:

An unexpected apology from a complete stranger
An extraordinarily friendly cafe worker
A sweet new youthgroup attendee, with a lovely heart
A random act of kindness by an unfamiliar face
A message of encouragemenet and words that say "I care" from a college student
A wonderful new friend who loves, accepts, and talks about real things
A beautiful penpal -- just like we used to have back in the day
People who stood up for me, who cared

I just opened my eyes.

So, dear friend, perhaps I am not completely convinced.
But I'm on my way.
And now, today, sitting in the light, living for today...I have a glimmer of hope
That maybe, just maybe, humanity is worth it.

Jesus is reality.

My life has scripted lines like a movie.

Hello there

Hey

How are you?

I'm good -- and you?

I'm pretty good.

Oh, that's good. I'm glad.

Yeah, so what have you been up to?

Oh, not much. You know, school...work. Pretty uneventful. How about you?

Same.

Eh. We should hang out sometime.

Yeah we should. Probably after everything slows down. Life is so busy right now.

I know what you mean. I don't have time to do anything.

Well, I guess I'll talk to you later.

You too. Bye.

Bye.


Oh, dear friend, would you like to go off-script with me? Would you like to live a life of improv? Would you like to say new and refreshing things each time we talk? Would you like to speak of real and deep things and get below the surface for a change?

I'm throwing out the script.
I hope you do too.

Sure, jumping ship might be dangerous.

Who knows what sort of evil waits.

The water's too dark for me to see down there.

But, whoever said the ship was safe?

Love is still a worthy cause

I have never heard this song with my ears. I have only read the lyrics with my eyes. And that's enough for me. That's enough to change me. That's enough to make me move. Love is still a worthy cause.

Love Is Still A Worthy Cause
by Sara Groves
have you listed all the times you've tried
do you call on all your alibis
when somebody asks the question why are you hiding

did you feel the pull, did you hear the call
did you take a chance and lose it all
do you fear there's no collateral left for trying

friend i know your heart is raw
but love is still a worthy cause
picking up and pressing on
oh love is still a worthy cause
like the touch that starts the thaw
oh, love is such a worthy cause
or the word that breaks the pause


in the midst of passing bravery
in the face of our own injuries
is the constant generosity of grace


it's the beauty in the tales we tell
it's the pressing on and ending well
it's the joy that comes when we give our self away

i love because he loved me when i had nothing
i love because you loved me when i had nothing
i love because he loved me when i had nothing

i had nothing


when you count the cost and all seems lost
love is still a worthy cause
when you're pressing on though your strength is gone
love is still a worthy cause


oh, love is still a worthy cause
oh, love is still a worthy cause
oh, love

Confession:

I went upstairs this evening with the intentions of cleaning my room. I soon found myself in my bedroom by myself just dancing my heart out. Toby Mac, Relient K, David Crowder, Copeland...oh how I love to dance. Also, I jumped on my bed. And I jumped off my bed. I was like a rockstar. It was pretty amazing. I felt like a little kid. It was a joyous time, indeed.

"...and you are to rejoice before the Lord your God in everything you put your hand to."
Deuteronomy 12:18

I feel as though I'm starting to love Sundays again. I do believe this is a wonderful feeling.

Despite the Circumstances

I turned this paper in today for my composition class. I thought you might enjoy reading it, too. The assignment was to write a definition essay defining an abstract concept.


How cliché would it be if I wrote an essay defining joy? How utterly sappy and dull might an essay about joy turn out to be? It is a commonly known word, and I would venture to guess that most everyone is familiar with the concept. But, I have something new to say. A fresh perspective is being brought to the table. Why do we need a new description of joy? Well, quite frankly, most of our world has no idea what true joy is. We get it mixed up with happiness and fun and gladness and ordinary things such as those. We live in a messed-up world, and with this messed-up world comes a flawed definition of so many concepts. Society today completely fails at knowing what joy really is. Our main fault is this: We only find or feel joy when things are going well. This is not what joy is at all. Joy surpasses the circumstances. Despite widely accepted beliefs, joy is a state of being that is constant, freeing, and powerful -- never wavering as a result of a bad day.


I tried to think of some ways we use the word joy in everyday life. I searched my mind for little phrases we often throw out there that might include that word. I would use these as examples of what the world thinks joy is. But, I could not come up with any. We do not really use it that much. We know about it and think about it and assume we possess it. When it comes down to it, this simple word is not a common part of our everyday language. How often does one proclaim, “Oh, I feel joyous today,” or when asked how he is feeling, reply with, “I’m quite joyful -- and you?” Instead, one might say, “I am doing well,” or “I’m good.” or even “fine.” We do not use words like joyous or exuberant or splendid to describe ourselves. Perhaps this is because we never truly do feel joyous. Perhaps this three letter word is a lost concept to the human race. Perhaps joy does not genuinely exist at all.

There is an answer to all of these mind-wrenching thoughts. Joy does exist. But, it is rare. When I was storming my brain for examples of uses of the word, it was clear that the only place I really hear it spoken and talked about in my life is in the church and with the Body of Christ. Consider the popular song which exclaims, “I’ve got the joy, joy, joy, joy down in my heart.” Also, a well-known scripture defines the Fruit of the Spirit as “love, joy, peace, patience…”

There are sermons given and Sunday school lessons taught on the concept of joy. It is flowing all throughout the church. Christians seek joy. They seek to understand it and learn about it and possess it. Maybe I sound a bit preachy. Maybe this is turning into a dull, sappy essay about joy. But, the thing is, this is what matters: True joy comes from Christ.

“Joy is not the absence of suffering. It is the presence of God.” --Robert Schuller

What more is there to say? I could speak of the reason for our joy. I could tell of Jesus’ death on the cross and his sacrifice for humanity. I could tell of his resurrection and of the jubilee that consumes those who give their lives to him. But, to describe these marvelous topics would take several more essays in themselves. So, I must stick to the topic of joy. We have joy because Christ loves us. We have joy because our lives have a purpose. We have joy because we are forgiven for our sins, made clean and new, given a second chance, and sent on a mission to further the Kingdom of God. Joy is not happiness. It is not gladness and fun. Joy is an ever-constant state of the heart. I have joy on the best of days and the worst of days. Joy is related to peace in that way. It consumes one’s being and sets him free from burdens and anxiety. A popsicle on a hot summer day makes me happy. A life full of meaning and the promise of eternity with Christ gives me joy.

As I said, the world has a skewed view of the concept of joy. It would seem that most of the world does not even acknowledge the word. It is often thrown out of the common vocabulary because it seems so hard and sometimes impossible to achieve. This is true, if one does not have Christ. It is impossible to have a life full of true, complete joy without the Lordship of Jesus Christ. One can be happy. He can be glad and his days can be going well. But, the true test of joy comes when the sun stops shining and everything starts falling apart. It is then that we can either wallow in our sufferings or claim our joy and overcome our circumstances. When taking a hard look at the world we live in, does it not seem as if we could all use a little more joy?

I am the Moon

I often find myself pondering
Your precious glory and your fame
I can't help but be in awe
Oh Yahweh, my perfect King

I heard a song the other day
Which stirred within me thoughts from above
See, I finally realized
That you are the sun

You are the light that keeps me alive
You are what warms me on the inside
You are huge, you are power
You illuminate the earth
And I'm certain without you I would never survive

So with that thought I continued
And discovered very soon
That if you are the sun
I could only be the moon

Without you I am a cold, dark, useless rock
But when I turn my face to you, my purpose is unlocked
I can only shine if I radiate your glow
Is it not clear? I have no light of my own

And with those few simple words, it all starts to make sense
You are the source I was created to reflect

Alone I am nothing, no matter how hard I try
But when I gaze your direction, I can light up a sky

Through you I have victory
Now I know that I've won
For I am the moon
And you, Lord, are the sun.

November Thoughts

I've had this deep desire to write lately.
Yet when I sit down with my pen...or my fingers on the keys...nothing comes.
I feel stuck.
Like writing is something built into me.
Something beautiful.
But I can't do it.
It feels sad.

Writing is my release.
Writing is my remedy.
Writing is my freedom.

I feel like I'm changing.
But I'm not really sure how.
At all.

I know I like different things.
Old things, and dirty things.
I find beauty in the unusual.

I know I feel different things.
Like passion for crunchy leaves.
And the desire to touch the hearts of Jr. High girls.
My heart is forming. Or perhaps it's growing.

I know I'm getting excited about college.
Even though I haven't made solid deicisons about where I'm going.
My hearts jumps at the idea of being on my own.
And expressing myself in new and crazy ways.

I know I've been making new friends.
My heart is drawn to different people.
And I want to make more.

I want to know you -- whoever you are.
I want to go for a walk with you through the crunchy leaves.
I want to make you hot chocolate and sit on my bed and let words flow from our mouths.
I want to share with you what God has been doing in my life.
And I want to spread my fire for Jesus.

I want to know about your life.
The things that make you hurt.
And the things that make you giggle.
The things that really make your day.
And the ways in which your day can be ruined in an instant.
I want to know what Jesus is doing in YOUR life.
I want to stay up all night getting to know you.

I'm changing.
I can't quite pinpoint how.
But I think it's good.
Perhaps it is just part of this growing up thing.

To a Beloved Friend

My Dear Pastor Al,

I want you to know something. I want you to know that you changed my life. It is not often that one person dramatically impacts the life of another. But, this is what you did. Not only did you change my life, you changed the lives of almost every person in that church. You were so much more than just a pastor. You were a mentor. You were a friend. You were an encourager, a leader, a helper, and so much more. Oh, Pastor Al, you made me want to be a better person. Because of you, I am a better person.

Did you even know how much you impacted me? I know I didn’t express it much. But, you made me smile. The way you carried yourself -- so happily -- made me want to be happy too. The way you got down to the level of all the kids and became a friend to them made me want to be a friend too. You weren’t threatening or intimidating as some church leaders tend to be. You were hands down the most gentle, caring, loving, encouraging, realistic, selfless person I have ever known. Yet in all of this, you took no pride. Life was never about you. I know God was well pleased with the way you followed his greatest commandments, to love the Lord your God with all your heart, soul, mind, and strength and to love your neighbor as yourself. I’m not sure I’ve ever seen anyone follow those commands so whole-heartedly.

You radiated Jesus wherever you were. Alan Somers, you made me want to know God more. Because of you, a passion was stirred within me to seek God with everything I had. I knew if someone like you existed, it had to be because a perfect God created you. My dad used to say, “That man will preach until the day he dies.” He was right. Your passion was for God and sharing his Word. I remember when you would sit on a stool, with your weak voice, pale body, and vibrant spirit, doing the thing you devoted your life to. Even when your hair was gone and your face was thin, you showed up at that church on Sunday mornings. You are an inspiration. Part of me cannot understand how you handled the disease that took your life with such high spirits. How did you keep that beautiful smile on your face? How did you continue to love and not be bitter? But, when I find myself asking these questions, I am soon able to answer them myself. Your life was saturated with Christ. He filled every crevice of your being. Because of nail-scarred hands and an empty tomb, you were able to live with zeal until the day you went to be with your Savior forever.

I wish I had known you more than I did. I wish I had spent more time with you and appreciated you more when you were still here. But, life is not about regrets. You changed my life just by existing in it. I continue to reflect on the amazing man you were and smile. I still use words that you said as encouragement and hope to get me through the rocky roads of life. I know you weren’t perfect. But, you radiated with One who is. I never got a chance to tell you. So, now I think I will. Thank you. Thank you for the incredible man you were. Thank you for following Christ’s calling in your life. Thank you for loving through your words, your actions, and your attitude. Thank you for being there until the very end. Thank you for impacting me and everyone else who knew you. I can’t wait to walk with you on the streets of gold.

With Love,

MaryBeth Lillian

I'm supposed to write a poem for composition class.
I write a lot of poetry.
It comes very natural to me.
 Except when I'm assigned to do it.
...sigh

Thou in me dwelling and I with Thee one.

The Power of Words

It's kind of been an ongoing joke in my family that I'm a terrible singer. And I definitely was bad when I was younger. But the thing is...it was funny for a while. Now it just makes me want to work harder at singing well. So I do. I love music so much. I desire to be able to sing anywhere at any time and not have to think...ugh...I know I'm a terrible singer, I shouldn't be singing in front of these people. Ah. But I love singing. I love singing loudly. I love worshipping with everything I have in me. So I do. Even though I may not have a great voice, I sing with all I've got.
Here's where the power of words comes in: This morning at church we were singing worship songs. After the first song, the man that was standing in front of me turned around and said, "You have a beautiful singing voice. I could hear you singing behind me." Whoa. See the thing is, he has no idea how much that meant to me. His words were such a blessing to me this morning. I don't even know this man very well. I know of him. But we're not buddies. He had no obligation to compliment my singing. But he did. And that was how he showed me love this morning. So, Mark, if you're reading this, thank you. Thank you for saying just a few words that made my day.
The power of words: you never know when a word of encouragement is exactly what someone needs.

Dear Blog Reader,

I just want you to know that everything is awesome. I'm so on fire for God. He's moving. It's crazy. It's awesome. I love it. I love him.I love YOU.

....yeah. I just wanted you to know that.

A Care in the World

I went to the park this evening -- the one that has a little stage in the middle of it. I wanted some alone time to listen to an audiobook. [Cast of Characters by Max Lucado] I love that little stage. We're pretty much besties by now.
So I was laying flat on the stage, relaxing, with headphones in my ears. And something happened. Something that I would have normally just shrugged off. But something about it stuck with me for some reason. So now I'm gonna share it with you.
Note: I am laying flat on my stomach in the middle of the stage. Try to picture me.
So I'm listening to my book and I think I hear what might be a faint voice in the background. I sit up, look around, and note a middle-aged woman shouting at me. So I take my headphones out and say..."what?"
"Are you alright!" she asked.
"Yeah, I'm fine" I replied.
"Oh-good. I just saw you laying there and I wasn't sure if you were breathing or anything. I wanted to make sure you were okay."
So I explained to her what I was doing and thanked her. She smiled and went on her way.

Yeah -- not a great story -- I know. But for some reason that woman had an impact on me. Because it made me think, what if I had been hurt? What if I had needed help? What if I had passed out? Or even...what if I was having a terrible day and was just laying there crying, waiting for someone to care.
I was fine today. There was nothing wrong. But that woman double checked anyway. She cared about me -- a complete stranger.
What if next time I'm not okay? What if something is terribly wrong? I hope that woman would walk by. And if not, I hope someone else would take her place. I hope someone would give a care in the world about the well-being of a complete stranger.
This woman's actions convicted me. Would I have done the same thing if I had seen someone and had even the slightest question that they might need help?
I would hope so.
Yes, I would definitely hope so.

The Battle for Me

Sometimes I want to conquer it on my own.

I want to be the David with a sling and stone.

I want to fight my own battles.

I want to conquer the obstacles.

I want to breakdown walls and barriers.

I want to stand in my own strength.

I want to achieve victory!

And I want all the credit.

I want to overcome the struggles.

Fight off the emotions and trials.

I want to find peace and joy.

And I want to do it on my own.

My life is mine.

I want to fight for myself.

"MaryBeth, you can't do it alone. Let me help you."

Love,

Your Fortress

My Heart is Heavy and Light

I need to write a poem

of confusion

and of hope

I need to pour my heart into

this paper-

helps me cope

I surrender again and again

I put it in His hands

Yet everytime I turn around

I'm carrying burdens

It's me who picks them up again

Oh, this life seems like a trap

See-I'm holding onto all this junk

I have to give it back

Why do I think I know the answers

What makes me think I have a chance

When all of my plans continue to fail

Look at Yours, Lord, they always prevail

My heart is heavy

I'm nervous and lost

I need to find confidence

Outside of my box

Even though I've been told

That's this is alright

I know to test all things

Because my life is a fight

I live on a battle field

Between darkness and light

I'll take up my armour

And do what is right

Life is crazy most always

It might feel like I'm dead

But this moment will soon pass

My best days are ahead

You see, I'm not a great poet

I can't figure out how to rhyme

All I can be is honest

These words are deep

And they are mine

Inspired by Jessie

Dear Hurting Heart,
You need to know that there is hope. No matter how ridiculously far you have run from God, it's not too far to turn around. It's not too late to run the opposite way.

You are not alone. This is not the end of your story. Your life MATTERS.

I want to tell you something. Something very important.

Jesus. Died. For. You.

Because he wants you to be free. You don't have to run from him. You don't have to carry burdens and guilt and shame. You don't have to cry so much. You can be happy. You can find real joy. You can be free.

He wants you. He's in love with you. Like seriously. Hardcore. Passionate. IN. LOVE.
So much that he died a bloody, brutal death so that you could live.
Yes, dear heart, it was all for you.

Please stop running. You'll only run straight to death.
It's not too late to turn around.

He's not mad at you. And he's not upset. He won't condemn you if you turn to him.

You. Are. So. Beautiful.
You are lovely. And you are loved.
Don't be satisfied with this life of running away.
Don't be satisfied with these burdens and grief and pains.
Don't be satisfied with life without the One that matters.

There is only one reason for your life here. It is God.

Turn around.
Run to him.
His arms are outstretched.
He wants to hold you.
Do it now.

i love my life.

here's my heart Lord take and seal it, seal it for thy courts above

A Word About Believing in the Power of God

David said to Saul, "Don't let anyone be discouraged by him; your servant will go and fight this Philistine!"

 But Saul replied, "You can't go fight this Philistine. You're just a youth, and he's been a warrior since he was young."

Then David said, "The LORD who rescued me from the paw of the lion and the paw of the bear will rescue me from the hand of this Philistine."

Saul said to David, "Go, and may the LORD be with you."

"Come here," the Philistine called to David, "and I'll give your flesh to the birds of the sky and the wild beasts!"

 David said to the Philistine, "You come against me with a dagger, spear, and sword, but I come against you in the name of the LORD of Hosts, the God of Israel's armies— you have defied Him. Today, the LORD will hand you over to me. Today, I'll strike you down, cut your head off, and give the corpses of the Philistine camp to the birds of the sky and the creatures of the earth. Then all the world will know that Israel has a God,  and this whole assembly will know that it is not by sword or by spear that the LORD saves, for the battle is the LORD's. He will hand you over to us."

 When the Philistine started forward to attack him, David ran quickly to the battle line to meet the Philistine. David put his hand in the bag, took out a stone, slung [it], and hit the Philistine on his forehead. The stone sank into his forehead, and he fell on his face to the ground.

David defeated the Philistine with a sling and a stone. Even though David had no sword, he struck down the Philistine and killed him.

1 Samuel 17

I love my Jesus. So so much Ah man. He's so amazing.

Ben

As I sat outside behind the table helping register campers for the week ahead, he came and joined the back of the line. Standing beside him was a beautiful woman, dressed nicely, hair pinned back, of all serious nature. This was his mother. It didn't take long before everyone knew Ben was here. Impatiently jumping to the front of the line, he begged to be checked in first. No, said Kristy. You have to wait just like everyone else. Aww....but come on, he said. You know I'm your favorite. Laughing, Kristy directed to him to the back of the line once more. Loudly he waited, making his presence very known. He was sooo excited to be at camp. He wanted to get started as soon as possible. Finally Ben got checked in and then proceeded to sit beside Kristy and me at the registration table. I'm going to help, he told us.

Ben is develop mentally disabled, just like every other camper at Inspiration Center last week. How does this affect him? Ben cannot talk. And he has limited use of his right hand.

Now wait a minute, you might be saying. You just told me that he said things to you, how could he not be able to talk? Well, its kind of crazy really. Although Ben's mouth is not capable of forming words, he is more than able to communicate just as well as you and me. Ben uses his arms and hands extravagantly. He is also amazing at communicating through facial expressions. On top of this, he is able to make the beginning sounds of some words if you just aren't getting it. It only took me about one day to figure out how Ben communicates. It's quite breathtaking, really.

Ben is 22 years old. He might seem "slow" or "handicapped." But those words do not define him. He is just a 22 year old guy, interested in the same things as you and me. He loves to give hugs, be the center of attention, and isn't afraid to speak up if he thinks something isn't right.

Ben sat at my table for the week, and we were really able to get to know each other. Can you get me a soda, he would as me by motioning as if he was drinking and making the 'd' noise, meaning "diet." No, Ben, I would say. You already had a soda today. Only one per day. He would then turn to me with the saddest eyes, put a pathetic frown on his face and fold his hands under his chin, as if he was begging. With all of that he spoke one word. "Please."

Ben is not "slow." I did not have to speak to him as if he was a child. I did not have talk slowly or repeat things over and over for him to get them. He is actually a very clever guy. He thought it was funny to call me crazy and a loser. You should be careful, Ben. I'm the one who gets you your drinks and cuts up your food. If you keep being mean to me you might not get to eat. Pondering this at the next meal, he asked the other counselor at our table to cut his food for him and get him his drink. Now I can still make fun of you, he jeered at me.

One afternoon while the campers were supposed to be resting in their rooms and I was doing dishes, Ben came up to me in his bathing suit, holding a towel. He was ready to swim. Ben! I said. You are supposed to be in your room resting. He told me he wasn't tired. So we hung out for a little while. He wandered around and messed with some of the other staff. And eventually, he got to swim. He's just a fun guy to be with.

I went into last week expecting to have a good time. I was excited for the opportunity to help people and serve God. In some ways, I was kind of expecting to be a babysitter, taking care of these adults who couldn't take care of themselves. God really revealed himself to me last week. Look at these people, he told me. You are not any better than them. I died for THEM too. Look at these beautiful humans. Look at the way I gave Laurel the gift of dancing. Look at Deb, how passionately she prays. Jenny sees only the good in people. She loves to compliment you and make you feel good about yourself. And look at Ben. This beautiful boy. This marvelous communicator. My creation.

The last thing I expected to do last week was make friends.

God had different plans.

To those struggling in this world

Set your minds on what is above, not on what is on the earth.
Colossians 3:2

I have a new start. Everyday. Because of Jesus.

inspiration center/place where God dwells

Oh, blog reader. I have so much to tell you. I've been on a missions trip this past week at a place called inspiration center in wisconsin. It is a camp for adults with physical/mental handicaps. And God MOVED. I can't tell you all right now. Just know that it was amazing. And there will be more to come. I love you.

Sunday Morning Musings

Yesterday was the very lovely youth sunday, which means the teenagers from church do the entire service. Hmm....I have a story for you.

Being youth sunday and all, I of course was required to attend both first and second service. Now I don't know about you, but me and 6:30 in the morning do not get along very well. So I was running a lot a bit short on sleep. The first service went well but ended early. Hmm..what could I possibly do with this 20 minute time slot I have between the service and sunday school? Hmm. Hmmm. Oh yes, I shall lay my little head down on one of the pews and rest my body. ...So I did. I stretched myself out on the front pew and rested

Apparently I fell asleep, because the next thing I knew I was awakened to a loud man's voice. "Alright, are we ready to get started? Does anyone have any prayer requests?"

Crrrraaaaaaappppp.

Adult sunday school class.

I soon realize that since I am laying in the front row, nobody even knows I am there.

Options:

1. awkwardly lay there for the next hour, enduring the adult sunday school class, being as silent as possible, trying not to be discovered
2. pop up, yell "SURPRISE!" and confidently walk out of the room
3. subtly slide upward in my seat, looking as natural as possible....and then pretend that I belong in that class and was just bending down to grab my pen that I had dropped--hold up the pen. "gotcha"
4. try to fall back to sleep. may as well get a nap in while I'm here. ....except what if I snore?
5. wait for prayer to begin, hope that everyone has their eyes closed, and make a run for it without looking back!

And the winner is....

OPTION #FIVE!

Yes, I waited for prayer and dashed out of that room without even a glance backwards.

Thus concludes my sunday morning musings.

The Thoughts In My Head

Man, I've had a lot of thoughts in my head lately. Good thoughts, it seems. Meaningful thoughts. And you will probably be seeing a strand of posts relating to these recent thoughts. This being the first. So here it goes...

Don't waste today waiting for tomorrow.
yeah...i've been doing that lately. I think many of us do it without even realizing it. See...my entire summer has kind of been this way, because I have had so many events planned that I've been so excited about. Here's what I mean by this though:

I'm going on a missions trip in a week and I'm super pumped for it. I just know it's going to be a radical time. But in the meantime...I'm kind of just spending my life waiting for the trip. ( this = fail. at. living.) Do you ever do that? Whether it's summer vacation, camp, a concert, a trip, or whatever else you might be looking forward to in life. Do you set your focus on one date and then just...wait. It almost seems normal to do that. But it is such a waste, I've noticed. You know why?

You could die tonight.

Yeah. You don't want to think about that one, huh? But it's reality. My friend, the reality is that you could die tonight. Or tomorrow. Or the next day. When you start to look at it that way, the trip you are going to take next week really slips out of the focus, and today becomes the focus. By no means am I saying that we should dwell on death or live in fear of dying tomorrow. I'm just saying...we should live TODAY. Because we don't have control over what happens tomorrow. If I spend two weeks being excited about my missions trip and waiting for it to come then I am wasting two weeks of my life. The trip will come when it comes. And it will be awesome when it does. But I think we should invest more in today. Live for the moment. Each morning when you wake up you are given another opportunity to live another day to its fullest. Don't dwell on yesterday. Don't dwell on tomorrow. Invest yourself in each day. Glorify God TODAY. Find your true joy today. Make a difference today. Love someone back today. Spend time in prayer today.

Living like this kind of makes life a lot more awesome. Each day I am given the choice to have a good day. Yesterday is gone and tomorrow is not here yet. Now is what matters. What are you going to do today?

mmm

I just want to say...that I am crazy in love with GOD!

...my cup overflows.

The Art In Me

I've been designing tshirts as of late. Just...for fun. I might try to sell them someday or something.
But for now I thought I might just let you gaze upon them. Maybe get some feedback. Do you like?

      I plan on putting some lettering on

    them as soon as I get the stuff to do it.

       Fun little God things like...."shine" and "hope"...

           .or perhaps short verses. We'll see what happens.

I can make you one if you like. :)

...and He will.

A Word From God: Ecclesiastes 11:9-10

Rejoice, young man, while you are young,
and let your heart be glad in the days of your youth.
And walk in the ways of your heart
and in the sights of your eyes;
but know that for all of these things God will bring you to judgment.

Remove sorrow from your heart,
and put away pain from your flesh,
because youth and the prime of life are fleeting.

a ballpark smile

Yesterday at the ballpark
I discovered that my friend
Has red hair on his face

It's the craziest thing
I've ever seen

Random red hair
How amazing!

I bet God put it there
Just to make us smile.

Why yes, I did change my blog background again. Thank you for noticing.
Hmm....I wonder if I'm addicted to this whole...changing my background thing.

Dearest Blog Reader,
I love you.
I just wanted you to know that.

Sincerely,
me

Blog Writing Season

It seems as though summer must not be blog writing season. Cuz I'm not quite seeing anyone writing much on their blogs lately. I kind of want to be different and not conform to this unspoken non-blog-writing season. But...I don't think I will. Because pretty much I'm going to be gone for the next month. Fail. I want to write. I do. I crave words. ...lets do it.

Victory!

A few days ago President Obama signed the Lord's Resistance Army Disarmament and Northern Uganda Recovery Act of 2009. This commits the United States to step in and make a change. Hopefuly we will soon see the end of Africa's longest running war: child soldiers freed, starving families fed, displaced citizens given homes and jobs and HOPE. Praise God for the possibilities! Believe the unbelievable. Every war has an end. This end is within reach.

Read more here: http://blog.invisiblechildren.com/2010/05/obama-speaks-the-president-declares-his-commitment-to-the-lra-bill/

Because Grace is Scandalous

….more Jon Acuff (www.stuffchristianslike.net)

A few weeks ago, someone emailed me a question about you.

That’s right, it was about you. Readers, folks who comment, people who peruse the halls of Stuff Christians Like. And it was nice to have a question that wasn’t about me. I get those sometimes. A person once asked me, “Do you have a theologian read what you write on your site before you post it?” I want to be honest, with over half a million words on the site, that would be one generous theologian. So I replied with, “Yes, I have a small theologian who lives in a closet under the stairs. He eats cracklin’ oat bran exclusively and reads everything I write.” OK, I didn’t respond that way. I told him I could see doing that with some Serious Wednesday posts. But that’s not the point. The point is that someone had a question about you. What was it? Here is an excerpt of what they asked:

“Have you ever noticed that frequently your comment section can go a little too far with the whole “Christians are covered by grace” thing? I’ve noticed that quite a few SCL commenters seem to see grace as a license to sin.”

Essentially the question they were asking is simple, “Do you feel like some people take grace too far?” I wrote them back and let them know I would address their really well written email on the site.

Here’s what I think:

I believe we risk a great danger when we try to say that people “go a little too far with the whole ‘Christians are covered by grace’ thing.” And the danger is simply that we downsize grace.

We establish a limit to grace and God’s love. We start to draw boundary lines on grace and it’s not the first time we’ve seen this kind of thing happen.

There was a guy in the Bible who was the worst. He was such a failure. He lied once and got an entire village murdered as a result. A priest and his family were killed because of his lies. He committed adultery. He cheated. He trusted in his own strength instead of the Lord’s. And when he did, when he failed, thousands and thousands of people died as a result. His family suffered from incest and murder and his hands were so covered with wrongfully shed blood that eventually God wouldn’t let him do something really important.

Now imagine if that person was a commenter on Stuff Christians Like. Imagine if they confessed to homicide and adultery and a laundry list of other sins. I mean there have been some crazy comments on this site, but no one has ever said, “I saw this girl online and thought she was really hot, so I slept with her, got her pregnant and then arranged on craigslist for her husband to be killed.” But this guy, the guy in the Bible, he could have left that comment. And if he did, would you or me or the writer of that email instantly think, “He didn’t take grace too far?” No, we’d be horrified. We’d be terrified.

So how is he referred to in the Bible? Here is what God says about him:

“I have found David son of Jesse a man after my own heart,”

What? Are you kidding God? David, the murderer? The adulterer? That can’t be right.

Surely David himself knows what a mess he’s made. Aren’t we all our worst critics? David knows that there is blood on his hands. How does he describe himself in Psalm 26?

“Vindicate me, O LORD, for I have led a blameless life; I have trusted in the LORD without wavering.”

No. No. No. David hasn’t led a blameless life. He hasn’t trusted in the Lord without wavering. He ran away and got people killed by trying to cover up his tracks when he was afraid. How can David say these things? How can God say these things?

Because grace is scandalous.

Grace does not make sense to our tiny human brains. We can’t control it. We can’t draw boundaries and borders on it. And when we try I think it breaks God’s heart.

I think we insult the cross when we act as if we can “out sin” it.

I think we wound our father when we think we can “out filth” his love.

I think we hurt our Christ when we believe that we have found the end of his grace.

I know, I know, I know that it is possible to mistreat the Lord. To blasphemy his name with our actions and our attitudes. David certainly did and he paid the consequences. I don’t think we get discipline or grace. I think we get both. I think discipline is a by product of grace and in my own life I have received large amounts of it.

But above that, I think God understood the grand risk when he offered us grace. A book called “True Faced” called it the New Testament Gamble. I think God knew the risk that we’d misunderstand grace and try to take advantage of it. I think he knew we’d try to find the limits of it with our sinfulness. Which is why he made it limitless, which is why he made grace infinite and never ending.

I don’t know what you’ve done. I don’t know your life or the bumps or bruises. Maybe you actually have murdered more people than David. I don’t know. But I do know, as many readers pointed out on this post, we serve a God who accepts our repentance and confession. We serve a God who when offered a chance to reveal himself to Moses, chose one thing to show, the most important thing, his goodness.

We serve a God who “rises to show us compassion.”

A God who delights in you.

A God who sent his son to the cross not to show the end of his grace, but rather the beginning

Facebook Friend Suggesting Jesus

(Another post by Jon Acuff from Stuff Christians Like. He tends to inspire me. Check him out if you please. www.stuffchristianslike.net)

I will accept anyone’s friend request on facebook. I don’t discriminate. I don’t filter out weird people or hate on anyone that has a unibrow, like me. I see facebook as a cool chance to connect with readers of this site. So if you ask me to be your friend, please know I am going to accept that offer.

But I never accept friend suggestions. If you’ve never used facebook, a friend suggestion is a feature where you can send a note to someone and essentially say, “I think you should be friends with this other person.” You get the other person’s name and a little photo of them. If you choose to accept it, then you send that suggested person a friend request.

It’s meant to be a neat little way to connect people, but I’ve started to get some random suggestions. Someone will send me a suggestion like, “Tammy Smith, Red Bluff High School.” I’ll look at it, quickly realize that I don’t know Tammy Smith and think, “If I accept this friend suggestion, Tammy Smith, a high school sophomore, is going to get a random friend request from a complete stranger, that happens to be a 33-year old married man, living in the suburbs of Atlanta with his two kids, who doesn’t even use his full name on facebook and kind of has a weird smirk in his photo.” Wow, the only thing missing from my induction into the creepy hall of fame is perhaps a mustache and a scar running down my cheek from a knife fight I got into behind a dumpster at a truck stop on the New Jersey Turnpike.

That’s a completely silly thought, but while thinking about that the other day at 5:00 in the morning, I realized that I approach witnessing to people about God in a pretty similar fashion. (I know, whoa, did he just leap from the New Jersey Turnpike knife fight story to witnessing to people about the everlasting love of Jesus Christ? Yes, yes I did.)

The truth is that sometimes I drop Jesus into someone’s lap like I’m sending a random friend suggestion on facebook. I don’t really tell them much about Him. I don’t really invest in the life of the person I’m talking too. I don’t even really listen to their story. I’ve just rushed to the end of my agenda and essentially said, “Yeah, yeah, regardless of what’s going on with you and your whole situation, I’d like to send you this friend suggestion to connect with Jesus. Here you go, vaya con dios stranger.”

It’s kind of like a Jesus drive by, me just spraying folks with the name of Christ and hoping it sticks. I don’t think that’s a particularly good thing. I can’t imagine that’s what God had in mind when He gave us the great commission. So what can we do to change that? How do we not just “friend suggestion” Jesus?

I don’t know. I’m all out of silver bullets, and to be honest there are about 3700 other blogs that have better advice about sharing your faith. But I have started to do something differently in the last few months. I’ve started to ask people questions I genuinely want answers to. Instead of asking a question and then forcing the conversation back into my framework regardless of their answer, I’ve tried to just listen and let people talk and remain engaged in what they have to say. The more I’ve done that, the more I’ve been amazed at how willing people are to open up when you actually listen. And sometimes, when I feel like God is cool with it, I get to ask my favorite question of all, “Who is carrying all that with you?”

Because everyone has an “all that.” Whether you’re going through a divorce or the most wildly successful season of work in your life, everyone has an “all that” they’re carrying. (Sometimes success is the most crushing “all that” you can face because what you thought would make things perfect just isn’t and that’s pretty terrifying.) 99 out of 100 times the answer to that question is “no one.” One woman told me she didn’t want to burden her happy friends with her sadness so she keeps it hidden. One man told me he wasn’t a guy’s guy and since he didn’t understand football it was hard for him to form relationships with other guys.

Time after time, the answer to the question “Who is carrying all that with you” comes back as “no one.”

But it’s not one of those questions you can ask and then disappear as soon as you’ve friend suggested Jesus. You have to be willing to carry the “all that” with the person you’re talking with. You can’t fade into the weeds of life like dissolving into the sea of profiles of facebook. That’s why witnessing is hard. That’s why it’s easier to friend suggest Jesus to strangers than it is to introduce your friend Jesus to someone.

It’s not right, but I think that’s why it happens. And I’m tired of it happening with me.

Lessons from Jesus People

Sometimes God works in ways you never expect. Sometimes he just hits you up in the most creative ways. Last night I was invited to go out to the Cornerstone Festival grounds to hang out with a group of people who I had never met before. ...I went. The group that was staying out there was with the organization called Jesus People USA. (JPUSA) They are based out of Chicago and own and organize the festival. Pretty much, they're really cool people. And since they own the land, sometimes groups of people stay out there just to vacation and chill. So I was invited to go join them last night. It was really random and kind of awesome. And they taught me things.

I went and sat in a small trailer with a group of mud-covered, alternative looking Jesus freaks in desperate need of showers. I sheepishly looked around, feeling kind of intimidated by the overwhelming amount of gauged ears, pierced lips, and ripped clothing I was witnessing. I sat quietly and observed, soaking in the surroundings. Then my friend looked over at me, looked around, and said "They're all so happy."

WOW. They were all so happy. These smelly, dirty, nonconformists were living in JOY. They didn't care that they looked different. They didn't care that they acted different. They didn't care that that trailer was probably only made to fit half as many people as were present there. I looked around again. And I saw peace. I saw smiles. I saw people who weren't bogged down by worries and stress. I had barely talked to anyone, but I knew that these people were free. They weren't carrying burdens. They weren't self-conscious. They danced to blasting music while they poured insane amouts of waffle mix into a bowl for dinner. I didn't say anything. I just wanted to watch.

I desire what these people have. Freedom from stress and worry and burdens. They lived carefree. And I know why. They were surrendered to God. Full. Surrender. And it worked. It all made sense. Life fell into place. They were living for today and not worrying about tomorrow. Everything makes sense when you surrender. I want to live more carefree.

The Jesus People taught me much. Not by words, but just by living. What an adventure, God. Thanks for inviting me.

to be written

I would like to write something. I have a writing thirst that must be quenched. I think I would like to write about God, because I LOVE him. So much. He's so...real. I think I will explain my last post. It says "I feel written." I do. I feel written. Life is a story. And every story has an author. So I've been just sort of...breathing in my life lately, taking time to soak it all in and realize how beautiful it is and how breathtaking God's presence is. God spoke the world into existence, and he's speaking my life into existence. He is writing my story. Words. He is using words to beautifully create this life that I am living in. Look at your life. Look at your story. Doesn't it just feel.....written? Look at the birds and the trees and the sunsets. Look at your family and your friends and your relationships. Look at your job and your education and your plans. Look at the afternoon spent at the park, the snow day spent building a snowman, and the crazy passionate fire you experienced at a retreat. Look at God in YOUR life. Look at the beauty of everything unfolding. Don't you feel written too?

i feel.....written.

Isaiah 55:1

Come, everyone who is thirsty, come to the waters.

I'm messy, and even though you're different from me, I bet you're messy too.

Romans 12:12

Rejoice in hope;
be patient in affliction;
be persistent in prayer.

dirty me

release me from these chains
and all this weight that drags me down

release me from my sin
and please. destroy. myself.

like a lover in las vegas
like a drunkard at the bar

my iniquities are endless
oh God, make new my heart!

The fight against me

to forget about me

if only for a moment

to let go of myself

and each desire that comes with

this is what I thirst for

selflessness would make me pure

it is not me that i long for

my life needs to be restored

with every thought that crosses

and each word spoken by these lips

i act like i'm the hero

the one who gave a second chance

it is all filth

disgusting. trash.

these selfish thoughts consume my brain

i strive to be on top

as prideful blood pumps through my veins

oh, to forget about myself

in that sweet, glorious moment

i will let go of all my sin

and let my Yahweh cover it

Thinking you’re naked

I wish I wrote this, because it is so profoundly beautiful. But I didn’t. I just stole this from some other guy who did write it. This is from a book called Stuff Christians Like, by Jonathan Acuff. Enjoy.

“I don’t want to brag, but I’m pretty awesome at applying band-aids. And make no mistake, there is an art. Because if you go too quickly and peel them the wrong way, they stick to themselves and you end up with a wadded up useless mess instead of the Little Mermaid festooned bandage your daughter so desperately wants to apply to a boo boo that may in fact be 100% fictional.

Half of the injuries I treat at the Acuff house are invisible or simply wounds of sympathy. My oldest daughter will scrape her knee and my 3-year old, realizing the band aid box is open will say, “Yo dad, I’d like to get in on that too. What do you say we put one on, I don’t know, my ankle. Yeah, my ankle, let’s pretend that’s hurt.”

But sometimes the cuts are real, like the day my 5-year old got a scrape on her face playing in the front yard. I rushed in the house and returned with a princess bandage. As I bent down to apply it to her forehead, her eyes filled up with tears and she shrunk back from me.

“What’s wrong?” I asked.

“I don’t want to wear that band-aid.” She replied.

“Why? You have a cut, you need a band-aid.” I said.

“I’ll look silly.” She answered.

Other than her sister and her mom, there was no one else in the yard. None of her friends were over, cars were not streaming passed our house and watching us play, the world was pretty empty at that moment. But for the first time I can remember, she felt shame. She had discovered shame. Somewhere, some how, this little 5 year old had learned to be afraid of looking silly. If I was smarter, if I had been better prepared for the transition from little toddler to little girl, I might have asked her this:

“Who told you that you were silly?”

I didn’t though. That question didn’t bloom in my head until much later and I didn’t understand it until I saw God ask a similar question in Genesis 3:11. To me, this is one of the saddest and most profoundly beautiful verses in the entire Bible. Adam and Eve have fallen. The apple is a core. The snake has spoken. The dream appears crushed. As they hide from God under clothes they’ve hastily sewn together, He appears and asks them a simple question:

“Who told you that you were naked?”

There is hurt in God’s voice as He asks this question, but there is also a deep sadness, the sense of a father holding a daughter that has for the first time ever, wrapped herself in shame.

Who told you that you were not enough?

Who told you that I didn’t love you?

Who told you that there was something outside of me you needed?

Who told you that you were ugly?

Who told you that your dream was foolish?

Who told you that you would never have a child?

Who told you that you would never be a father?

Who told you that you weren’t a good mother?

Who told you that without a job you aren’t worth anything?

Who told you that you’ll never know love again?

Who told you that this was all there is?

Who told you that you were naked?

I don’t know when you discovered shame. I don’t know when you discovered that there were people that might think you are silly or dumb or not a good writer or a husband or a friend. I don’t know what lies you’ve been told by other people or maybe even by yourself.

But in response to what you are hearing from everyone else, God is still asking the question, “Who told you that you were naked?”

And He’s still asking us that question because we are not.

In Christ we are not worthless.

In Christ we are not hopeless.

In Christ we are not dumb or ugly or forgotten.

In Christ we are not naked.

Isaiah 61:10 it says:

For he has clothed me with garments of salvation and arrayed me in a robe of righteousness.

The world may try to tell you a thousand different things today. You might close this post and hear a million declarations of what you are or who you’ll always be, but know this.

As unbelievable as it sounds and as much as I never expected to type this sentence on this blog:

You are not naked.”

Then the man and his wife heard the sound of the LORD God walking in the garden at the time of the evening breeze, and they hid themselves from the LORD God among the trees of the garden. So the LORD God called out to the man and said to him, "Where are you?"

And he said, "I heard You in the garden, and I was afraid because I was naked, so I hid."

Then He asked, "Who told you that you were naked? “

(Gen 3:8-11)

A heavy-hearted prayer

I cannot handle all of these peoples' problems.

God, relieve my burdens.

This post might be a sin.

So I don't want to boast unless I'm boasting about God, right? But I kind of really do want to boast. So I'm probably about to boast. And maybe sometime near the end I will sort of hook a little God message onto it and transform it into a God boast and you will be like, Wow! She totally just did that. And then I will be satisfied.
So I've spend like the last 3 months of my life studying for this horrid ACT test. I'm talking like every waking minute. I crammed so much useless information into my brain for that exam and I was just sure I did horrible on it.(Honestly, you probably don't care at all how I did on the ACT. And that's ok. You can stop reading now if you want. It doesn't much matter to me. I just really wanted to get this out. Because I'm super excited about it.) Now my mom told me not to set a goal, but for my goal to be "the best I could do." That sounds sweet, huh? But I went ahead and set a goal. 30. Which is a pretty high goal. I didn't expect to get it the first time. But maybe if I took it again I would reach it the 2nd or 3rd time. So my scores came in a few days ago. And guess what?? Thirty-freaking-two. Yeah! Right on, MaryBeth. Maybe homeschooling isn't so bad afterall. Maybe all of that hell-like studying was really quite worth it. Like, I don't get proud of myself very often. But I am so freaking proud of myself right now. I did that! I got a 32 on the ACT. All by myself. I did it. (Also I did better than my older sister. And not that that matters or anything, but....HA!)
And when I got to thinking about it...I figured this was part of God's perfect plan all along. And also, I didn't actually do this all by myself. There's no way I could have gotten that score if it wasn't for those 20 people who texted me the morning of my test and said they were praying for me. Thank you so much if you were on of those people. Because I know God was so with my during that test and during all of my studying. And I got this wicked score because of Him alone. It was all for His glory. Because I want to use this score to further glorify Him in my life. I think I got this score because there is no way I could afford to go to any of the schools that I am looking at without some sort of crazy scholarship. I needed this score. And I hope it is God's will that this score be used to help me get into the school that He wants for me and that I can continue on my path of life just seeking His face. Also..if this is totally not his plan, I'm pretty cool with that too. This is just my human mind trying to take a wild guess at the Creator's perfect will. I'll be interested to see how close I am.
Thus concludes my boasting about myself and my boasting about God.

I. Missed. You.

I want to start writing again. I don't really know why I stopped. But I want to start again. I miss this little blog. I miss you people. You faceless people who may or may not read my beautiful, broken thoughts. A lot is going on in my life, and I think I stopped writing because I am so busy. That's stupid. Being busy. I kind of like being busy, because I am busy with things that I love. But I kind of hate being busy, because sometimes I just want to REST. So I'm struggling to find that balance. And to find enough time for the friends that I love and my family and my Husband and school work and what have you. Maybe you could pray for me for that, dear friend? To be able to find that balance. Oh, that beautiful balance. My summer is only going to get more busy. But it is also going to get more awesome. Because it is filled with crazy hardcore Jesus things. And you know how I feel about Him. I just don't want to get overwhelmed, you know? I don't want to burn out. Meh. I miss this blog. I miss just pouring my thoughts out and typing and typing and typing until nothing else is left to be said. I miss working for hours arranging the words until they sound most lovely. I think I shall be writing more now. I hope to be, at least. Like I said, I have a lot of things to write about.

Just...come

"Come to Me all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest."

mmm. I need.

When you listen, you learn....

he loves me just the way i am

Redo.

Did you know that I can't fix it?
All of these things that I'm supposed to be fixing.
I can't do it.
I don't work like that. No matter how hard I try, it is never going to be fixed.
I fail. At fixing my life.

Sometimes the above statements are super frustrating. Because, like, I've pretty much determined that I'm always going to have things to work on, things that can be improved, ways that I can be following God's perfect plan even closer.
Yep. It's not ever going to end. Lalala....the process.

Embrace the process, yo. That's what I'm getting to. That's kind of always what I'm getting to.

Fix it. Fix it. Fix it.

...I can't.

Well, not on my own at least. I can't come anywhere close to fixing it on my own. You can't fix it for me either. It's also not one of those one time fix situations, like when you super glue the head back on your moms willow tree figurine so she doesn't know you broke it. That's probably going to stay for the rest of your life. It doesn't need fixed again. Good as new.

Life is more like when you paint the porch at the beginning of every summer, and it looks really good for a while. But by the time the leaves fall and winter wears it down the paint pretty much looks really crappy by the next summer. Sigh...so we have to paint it again. Yeah. That's kind of like a lot of life's trials. We have to paint them again every summer. Keep on working on them. We can't just work on them once and then say, hey, glad that's all better now. Cuz that's probably not going to last for your whole life. It's got to be a process. Does that make any sense?

But also I can't paint it on my own. I can't fix it on my own. Trying to fix it on my own would be like trying to paint the porch with one of those little brushes that came with your watercolor set in elementary school. It's gonna cause you a lot more pain and distress than it's even worth. And it's probably not ever going to get fixed to the point that you would be content with, either.

So how do I get a bigger brush? Or even like...a roller? And maybe a couple of people to help me paint as well.

Oh...yeah....Jesus.
Woot!

I can't fix it. And you can't fix it for me. Only he knows how to fix it.
Only he can truly make me whole again.

Jealousy.
Anger.
Unforgiveness.
Greed.
Materialism.
Hatred.
Lack of self-love.
Lack of love for others.
Distractions.
Peer pressure.
Laziness.

First, you need a bigger paint brush.
Second, you need to paint it again when it gets worn down.

A.k.a. Jesus and the process.

Yeah...I'm glad I've sort of figured these things out.

a smorgasbord of reflections

Sometimes...I just need to write.

This is one of those times.

Jesus died for me.
Whoa.

He wants me.
He LOVES me.
His heart cries for....me.

Really? Is this actually true? Do i sincerely believe these things?

I love Jesus.
But it doesn't deserve to be in bold like Jesus' death is.
I wish it was a love passionate enough to deserve the bold font.
But really, that boldness is just a facade.
Covering up the fact that I honestly have no idea if I'm doing it right.

I'm just a 16 year old girl giving a ridiculous amount effort
to try desperately to live for her Savior.
I'm just a highschool student, giving way more of my heart to friends and fitting in and being accepted than to God.
I'm just a part-time cashier at a grocery store, forcing a smile to every person who comes by because I am required to be friendly like that.
(...they smile at me too; tell me they're doing great.
I can see right through them. I wonder if they can see right through me too.)
I'm just a youngest child, looking at where my older siblings are at and wondering how in the world I am ever going to get to that point.
I'm just an adulterous wife, cheating on my Lover time after time after time.
It kills me inside.
But it doesn't stop me.
I'm just a lost soul in this land of broken hearts.
I'm just a jealous friend. Wanting every friendship only to myself. No sharing.
I'm just a sappy romantic.
Love stories give me goosebumps and I dream of my wedding day often.
....I wish I felt for Jesus what I feel for the husband I haven't even met yet.
I'm just a horse-rider. Searching for God in every moment I spend with those beautiful creatures.

I'm just....trying.
Yeah. That's it. I'm trying. I'm trying. I really really am.
Sometimes I overwhelm myself with trying, even.

One more thing:
I'm learning. And it's really cool.
I like to look back at where I was. A month, a year, 2 years ago.
Whoa.
God is molding me.
I am being transformed into the woman he wants me to be.
He is sculpting me. Pruning me. Chipping away the parts that need to go.
Polishing me until I shine.
God is working in my life, dear friend.
I can see it happening everyday.
It is the scariest thing I have ever faced.
And it is the most beautiful thing I have ever witnessed.
My life.
My thoughts.
My Jesus.

I love him.

I hope it deserves to be bold someday.

The Vine and the Branches

"I am the true vine, and My Father is the vineyard keeper. Every branch in Me that does not produce fruit He removes, and He prunes every branch that produces fruit so that it will produce more fruit. You are already clean because of the word I have spoken to you. Remain in Me, and I in you. Just as a branch is unable to produce fruit by itself unless it remains on the vine, so neither can you unless you remain in Me.

I am the vine; you are the branches. The one who remains in Me and I in him produces much fruit, because you can do nothing without Me. If anyone does not remain in Me, he is thrown aside like a branch and he withers. They gather them, throw them into the fire, and they are burned. If you remain in Me and My words remain in you, ask whatever you want and it will be done for you. My Father is glorified by this: that you produce much fruit and prove to be My disciples.”

John 15: 1-8 (HCSB)

Untitled Thoughts

I feel like writing, though I'm not sure what to write of. I've been feeling a lot of peace lately. Maybe I shall write of this peace. It kind of feels like things are falling into place. But not extremely into place. Just...peacefully into place. Like...the everything is gonna be alright sort. And the God is in control sort. Those are good sorts of falling into place I think.

Also I've been defining myself lately. Sort of figuring out who I am. I am so utterly me, and I love it. Like...I don't want to put a label on myself saying I am this type or that type. Sure, I lean towards certain types. But in the end I am just me. I like fedoras and loafers and big silly glasses. I love Jesus and rain and waking up to the birds singing outside of my window. I sing randomly in public and scream along to the radio in my car when I'm alone. I love my friends. But not too much. Just a ridiculously healthy amount. And I don't like to wear makeup. It makes my face feel icky. And I don't think it makes me look any prettier either. It just makes me look more like everyone else. And what's the fun in being like everyone else? ....I like figuring out who I am. Different. Unique. Bubbly. Silly. Alternative. Real. Me.

My deepest apologies to all of you Owl City fans, but I just need to get this out there. I hope you don't stop reading my blog because of this rather small section of words here in this post, but....I think the song fireflies is ridiculously stupid. Like...a thousand hugs..from 10 thousand lighting bugs? What? ...How? ....Why? ....What happened to the other 9 thousand? I'd like to make myself believe....that Owl City actually has some deeper meaning behind the hugs from the bugs and the foxtrot and sock-hop. Yes. I just needed to get that out there. Oh, also...I kind of love that song. I can't help but sing along when I hear it. It sucks me in. I hate to love it. Blasted Owl City!

Hmm. I love deep conversations with real friends about life and love and God. I don't think there are many things more refreshing.

I'm in love with Jesus. Thus concludes my untitled thoughts.

...as the deer panteth for the water so my soul thirsts after Thee.

the realizations of a 16 year old girl

So I realized today...that I'm doing it wrong. Not completely wrong, but I'm tending to have the wrong mindset about things. I have good intentions, but I'm still not doing it right. You see, my whole life has been like...up-down-up-down. I'm sure you know what I mean by that. Haven't we all experienced up-down-up-down at some point in our lives? What I mean by this is that...well....it's like a pushing and pulling; a bending and breaking; a stretching and tearing. The battle. The fight. The process. You know the process. The one where you find something in your life that needs fixed, changed, or worked on. And then you give all you have to fix, change, or work on it. And then you're good. Life is good and you feel confident about things. You've overcome your obstacles, you've gotten right with God, and you've settled into joy.

That lasts for a while. And it feels good. Mmm. So good. ...But you know, it never stays good forever. Whether its a week, a month, or a year, you will come to find that things need changed again. And then...here we go. The battle. The pain. The process.

So that's the way I've lived. And it seemed to be ok...until now. I mean, yeah, we all go through hard times. But there are good times too. Such is life, right?

I've been thinking about this a lot lately. And I came to the conclusion that we are kind of misunderstanding this thing called life. I think minor ups and downs are always going to happen. Maybe even some bigger ones every now and then. But I think constantly replaying the process over and over and over and over is slightly unnecessary.

Did you know that with God we have a rock?
We have a solid, unchanging foundation.
Did you know that continued breaking is good?
It helps. It draws us near to God.
"The sacrifice pleasing to God is a broken spirit." Ps 51:17

We just have to know how to deal with the brokennes in a healthy way. Embrace it. But don't let it consume you and drag you down.

So the process...I have concluded....is never going to be over. It's an ongoing process. There is always gonig to be something to fix, change, or work on. We are at war. There is always a battle to be won.

Avoid. Extremes.

This is kind of what I'm trying to get to here. Run. Run after God. But don't get too high and don't get too low. Find that middle. Find that peace. Find that steady breathing that keeps you on track while you're running, so that you aren't gasping for air at one point and barely walking at another. Find your Solid Rock. And embrace the process.

"Therefore, since we also have such a great cloud of witnesses surrounding us, let us lay aside every weight and the sin that so easily ensnares us, and run with endurance the race that lies before us, keeping our eyes on Jesus." Hebrews 12:1-2

I am still running; the only place I ever will belong.

Confession: I'm not nearly as well put together as you think I am...

....and it's ok.

I've been learning a lot about grace as of late.

Hmm. So let's take a look at my life. It seems like I've got it all together. This whole Christian thing...I think I'm doing pretty darn well at it. Like, seriously. I'm not talking about those "I'm a great Christian because I follow all the rules and pray before bed" Christians. Nope. I'm serious. I think I'm doing it right. Jesus has saved me from the agony of my sinful self. He was beaten, scoffed at, and brutally killed upon a cross; and because of that I am redeemed. Yes, my friend. Jesus saved ME. And I have a relationship with him. An intimate, loving, real, deep relationship. I talk to him often. He is my Best Friend. My Daddy. My Lover. My Everything. I spend large amounts of time talking to him everyday. I dig deep into the Bible and discover new things. I go to church and love the fellowship and the challenges he gives me. I'm in a few different missions programs, and they fill me up. They make me excited about living for God. I don't cuss or do drugs or have sex. I don't even have a boyfriend. I just want to focus on God right now.

Sounds pretty good right? It seems like I've got this Christian thing covered. So why am I writing a blog about grace? Why am I writing a blog about anything? I'm doing it all right. ...right?

WRONG.

I'm sure you knew that. I'm sure you knew that I was building up to the point where I would tell you I have screwed up. How much of a sinner I really am and how less than perfect I really am. I guess you're right. Well...kind of. I'm definitely less than perfect. But I really do think I'm doing a pretty good job at the Christian thing.

Ok, I'll get to the point now. The climax of this blog is as follows: I'm walking on egg shells around God. And God is everywhere. So my entire life is on egg shells. What I mean by that is that I've set spiritual standards for myself. And they are pretty darn high standards. I've been striving to be the "perfect Christian." I'm 16 years old and I feel really confident about my life. I'm in love with God and know that he has my life in his hands. I'm doing the Christian thing. And I'm rocking it out. But I'm really strict with myself. Don't get me wrong, it's good to have standards. But it's not good to beat yourself up if you slip every once in a while. It's not good to walk on egg shells. I've gotten so used to doing it right that I'm afraid if I do something wrong I won't measure up to God's expectations for me. I won't be able to be good enough for him. What if a skip devotions one day? I mean, that's ok for most people who aren't normally consistent anyway. But I am consistant. If I skip a day I will surely be letting God down. What if I follow my own sinful desires instead of turning to God for direction? Hmm. That's probably ok for most people who do that all the time. But not me. God has higher expectations for me. Because I've been doing it right for a long time. I'm so afraid. So afraid of letting God down. So afraid of not being good enough for him. Afraid that he will judge me harshly for the mistakes I make. I don't want to let God down. He deserves more.

GRACE.

So I've been learning about grace. I've been learning that these egg shells I've been walking on are ridiculous! I've been learning that God doesn't have expectations for me. I've been learning that God knows I am human. He expects me to sin. ....That's what the cross was for. I am no longer chained down by my failures and mistakes. Jesus tore those chains apart on that cross at Calvary. Grace. Stop being afraid to let God down! Stop fearing he will get fed up with your human-ness. Stop walking on those darn egg shells, dear. God wants you to be comfortable around him. He wants you to rest in his eternal grace. We are offered grace. And because of this grace, we don't have to try to live up to certain expectations. We don't have to set ridiculous standards. We don't have to beat ourselves up over human mistakes. We are all humans. We. Will. Sin. ....grace. Take it. Accept it. Walk in it. Let yourself be free in God's beautiful grace. He is pouring it upon you, clothing you in it. I'm actually writing this for myself more than for you. I'm glad you're reading it. But I'm glad I'm going to read it when I'm done writing, too. Because I'm still struggling to accept God's grace. But I'm getting there. It's ok to mess up now and then. It's ok to mess up often. In fact, it will happen. I guarantee it. But it's ok. God offers grace. ....I've been learning about this as of late.

i love.....Jesus.

A Holiday Poem

Awkward Day

Valentine’s. What an awkward day
For us kids who have no dates.
We'll find no flowers on the table.
No cards, or chocolates with our names on the label.
What use do we have for Valentine's Day?
What is it's purpose, anyway?
To hug our friends when we walk down the hall?
Tell them we love them....
Yeah, that's not weird at all.
To give out boxes of candy hearts?
Why not wait a day...
Get them half price tomorrow at WalMart.
It seems that this day is quite a waste.
Why create so much awkwardness in this place?
So this year, I'm skipping Valentine's Day.
I think it will just be better that way.

An Attempt

Sometimes I just feel super unmotivated. Yet at the same time, I really want to get something done. It’s like a constant tearing in opposite directions. I don’t really know how to explain it. Hmm…I don’t really know how to explain it at all. …Fail of a post.

Three Eternal Truths

• Things are not what they seem.
• We are at war.
• You have a role to play.

Regarding Genesis 6:5-6

"When the Lord saw that man's wickedness was widespread on the earth and that every scheme his mind thought of was nothing but evil all the time, the Lord regretted that He had made man on the earth, and he was grieved in His heart"

I don't understand
The iniquity of man
Tis more than my heart can make sense of

Most Glorious God
It is my sin that You see
Did You really regret creating me?

You destroyed all the people, animals, plants
An immaculate new beginning
An unmerited second chance

Yet tainted I stand now
And I cannot grasp how
Your heart can bear the agony of my sin

I know You've been grieved
Because You have seen me
And all of the horror within

Please cleanse me, O God
Purify my stained soul
To delight in Your Will is my goal.