So I came to a point a while ago where I didn't want to trust people. None of them.
I didn't want to put my hopes in people. I didn't want to be let down again.
I didn't want to take the chance of being hurt.
I lost my hope in humanity. Yes, I did.
I decided people weren't worth my tears.
I decided people weren't worth my time.
I decided people would never do anything but let me down.
I decided to give up on anyone but me and God.
And there on that dark road with misty eyes and chilled bones I laid down my hope, my trust, my desires, my passions. And I made the decision that humanity was not worthy of seeing my heart. And I locked it up. And there I was. Just me and God. And no chance of ever being hurt again.
And then I tried to live. And it didn't work.
I was lonely. I was lost. I had no purpose. I had no reason to exist.
Maybe the pain had been worth it.
We were meant to live in relationship with other people. To love and be loved, to know and be known.
And I opened my eyes. And I said to God, surely there are good people out there. Surely there are people worth fighting for. Surely they don't all aim to destroy whole hearts.
And a still, small voice replied,
"Look for them."
So I did. I began looking for the good in people. I began expecting people to treat me right. I began discovering beauty in everyone. And this is what I saw:
An unexpected apology from a complete stranger
An extraordinarily friendly cafe worker
A sweet new youthgroup attendee, with a lovely heart
A random act of kindness by an unfamiliar face
A message of encouragemenet and words that say "I care" from a college student
A wonderful new friend who loves, accepts, and talks about real things
A beautiful penpal -- just like we used to have back in the day
People who stood up for me, who cared
I just opened my eyes.
So, dear friend, perhaps I am not completely convinced.
But I'm on my way.
And now, today, sitting in the light, living for today...I have a glimmer of hope
That maybe, just maybe, humanity is worth it.
It's funny, isn't it, how much good exists and how invisible it can seem during certain moods or stages of life? I struggle with this myself--but often with the slightly different dimension of fearing that I will be the one letting someone down. I've found two resources especially helpful, and you might like them too. One is Dietrich Bonhoeffer's book called Life Together, a very realistic and biblically grounded explanation of what it means to be part of Christ's body even when everybody within it is flawed (although I just couldn't get into the last section of the book because it seemed rather formulaic). The other book is a fiction trilogy by Penelope Wilcock called The Hauk and the Dove. One story within this work relates to the subject of your post. In "The Poor in Spirit," Father Peregrine encourages a young monk to open his heart to his brothers. "The gift of yourself in trust--that is your best," he says. "You need courage to make that gift to us, because we also are weak in our humanity and will sometimes deal with you clumsily [ . . . .] Brother, please forgive us. Please trust us."
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