When you listen, you learn....

he loves me just the way i am

Redo.

Did you know that I can't fix it?
All of these things that I'm supposed to be fixing.
I can't do it.
I don't work like that. No matter how hard I try, it is never going to be fixed.
I fail. At fixing my life.

Sometimes the above statements are super frustrating. Because, like, I've pretty much determined that I'm always going to have things to work on, things that can be improved, ways that I can be following God's perfect plan even closer.
Yep. It's not ever going to end. Lalala....the process.

Embrace the process, yo. That's what I'm getting to. That's kind of always what I'm getting to.

Fix it. Fix it. Fix it.

...I can't.

Well, not on my own at least. I can't come anywhere close to fixing it on my own. You can't fix it for me either. It's also not one of those one time fix situations, like when you super glue the head back on your moms willow tree figurine so she doesn't know you broke it. That's probably going to stay for the rest of your life. It doesn't need fixed again. Good as new.

Life is more like when you paint the porch at the beginning of every summer, and it looks really good for a while. But by the time the leaves fall and winter wears it down the paint pretty much looks really crappy by the next summer. Sigh...so we have to paint it again. Yeah. That's kind of like a lot of life's trials. We have to paint them again every summer. Keep on working on them. We can't just work on them once and then say, hey, glad that's all better now. Cuz that's probably not going to last for your whole life. It's got to be a process. Does that make any sense?

But also I can't paint it on my own. I can't fix it on my own. Trying to fix it on my own would be like trying to paint the porch with one of those little brushes that came with your watercolor set in elementary school. It's gonna cause you a lot more pain and distress than it's even worth. And it's probably not ever going to get fixed to the point that you would be content with, either.

So how do I get a bigger brush? Or even like...a roller? And maybe a couple of people to help me paint as well.

Oh...yeah....Jesus.
Woot!

I can't fix it. And you can't fix it for me. Only he knows how to fix it.
Only he can truly make me whole again.

Jealousy.
Anger.
Unforgiveness.
Greed.
Materialism.
Hatred.
Lack of self-love.
Lack of love for others.
Distractions.
Peer pressure.
Laziness.

First, you need a bigger paint brush.
Second, you need to paint it again when it gets worn down.

A.k.a. Jesus and the process.

Yeah...I'm glad I've sort of figured these things out.

a smorgasbord of reflections

Sometimes...I just need to write.

This is one of those times.

Jesus died for me.
Whoa.

He wants me.
He LOVES me.
His heart cries for....me.

Really? Is this actually true? Do i sincerely believe these things?

I love Jesus.
But it doesn't deserve to be in bold like Jesus' death is.
I wish it was a love passionate enough to deserve the bold font.
But really, that boldness is just a facade.
Covering up the fact that I honestly have no idea if I'm doing it right.

I'm just a 16 year old girl giving a ridiculous amount effort
to try desperately to live for her Savior.
I'm just a highschool student, giving way more of my heart to friends and fitting in and being accepted than to God.
I'm just a part-time cashier at a grocery store, forcing a smile to every person who comes by because I am required to be friendly like that.
(...they smile at me too; tell me they're doing great.
I can see right through them. I wonder if they can see right through me too.)
I'm just a youngest child, looking at where my older siblings are at and wondering how in the world I am ever going to get to that point.
I'm just an adulterous wife, cheating on my Lover time after time after time.
It kills me inside.
But it doesn't stop me.
I'm just a lost soul in this land of broken hearts.
I'm just a jealous friend. Wanting every friendship only to myself. No sharing.
I'm just a sappy romantic.
Love stories give me goosebumps and I dream of my wedding day often.
....I wish I felt for Jesus what I feel for the husband I haven't even met yet.
I'm just a horse-rider. Searching for God in every moment I spend with those beautiful creatures.

I'm just....trying.
Yeah. That's it. I'm trying. I'm trying. I really really am.
Sometimes I overwhelm myself with trying, even.

One more thing:
I'm learning. And it's really cool.
I like to look back at where I was. A month, a year, 2 years ago.
Whoa.
God is molding me.
I am being transformed into the woman he wants me to be.
He is sculpting me. Pruning me. Chipping away the parts that need to go.
Polishing me until I shine.
God is working in my life, dear friend.
I can see it happening everyday.
It is the scariest thing I have ever faced.
And it is the most beautiful thing I have ever witnessed.
My life.
My thoughts.
My Jesus.

I love him.

I hope it deserves to be bold someday.

The Vine and the Branches

"I am the true vine, and My Father is the vineyard keeper. Every branch in Me that does not produce fruit He removes, and He prunes every branch that produces fruit so that it will produce more fruit. You are already clean because of the word I have spoken to you. Remain in Me, and I in you. Just as a branch is unable to produce fruit by itself unless it remains on the vine, so neither can you unless you remain in Me.

I am the vine; you are the branches. The one who remains in Me and I in him produces much fruit, because you can do nothing without Me. If anyone does not remain in Me, he is thrown aside like a branch and he withers. They gather them, throw them into the fire, and they are burned. If you remain in Me and My words remain in you, ask whatever you want and it will be done for you. My Father is glorified by this: that you produce much fruit and prove to be My disciples.”

John 15: 1-8 (HCSB)

Untitled Thoughts

I feel like writing, though I'm not sure what to write of. I've been feeling a lot of peace lately. Maybe I shall write of this peace. It kind of feels like things are falling into place. But not extremely into place. Just...peacefully into place. Like...the everything is gonna be alright sort. And the God is in control sort. Those are good sorts of falling into place I think.

Also I've been defining myself lately. Sort of figuring out who I am. I am so utterly me, and I love it. Like...I don't want to put a label on myself saying I am this type or that type. Sure, I lean towards certain types. But in the end I am just me. I like fedoras and loafers and big silly glasses. I love Jesus and rain and waking up to the birds singing outside of my window. I sing randomly in public and scream along to the radio in my car when I'm alone. I love my friends. But not too much. Just a ridiculously healthy amount. And I don't like to wear makeup. It makes my face feel icky. And I don't think it makes me look any prettier either. It just makes me look more like everyone else. And what's the fun in being like everyone else? ....I like figuring out who I am. Different. Unique. Bubbly. Silly. Alternative. Real. Me.

My deepest apologies to all of you Owl City fans, but I just need to get this out there. I hope you don't stop reading my blog because of this rather small section of words here in this post, but....I think the song fireflies is ridiculously stupid. Like...a thousand hugs..from 10 thousand lighting bugs? What? ...How? ....Why? ....What happened to the other 9 thousand? I'd like to make myself believe....that Owl City actually has some deeper meaning behind the hugs from the bugs and the foxtrot and sock-hop. Yes. I just needed to get that out there. Oh, also...I kind of love that song. I can't help but sing along when I hear it. It sucks me in. I hate to love it. Blasted Owl City!

Hmm. I love deep conversations with real friends about life and love and God. I don't think there are many things more refreshing.

I'm in love with Jesus. Thus concludes my untitled thoughts.

...as the deer panteth for the water so my soul thirsts after Thee.

the realizations of a 16 year old girl

So I realized today...that I'm doing it wrong. Not completely wrong, but I'm tending to have the wrong mindset about things. I have good intentions, but I'm still not doing it right. You see, my whole life has been like...up-down-up-down. I'm sure you know what I mean by that. Haven't we all experienced up-down-up-down at some point in our lives? What I mean by this is that...well....it's like a pushing and pulling; a bending and breaking; a stretching and tearing. The battle. The fight. The process. You know the process. The one where you find something in your life that needs fixed, changed, or worked on. And then you give all you have to fix, change, or work on it. And then you're good. Life is good and you feel confident about things. You've overcome your obstacles, you've gotten right with God, and you've settled into joy.

That lasts for a while. And it feels good. Mmm. So good. ...But you know, it never stays good forever. Whether its a week, a month, or a year, you will come to find that things need changed again. And then...here we go. The battle. The pain. The process.

So that's the way I've lived. And it seemed to be ok...until now. I mean, yeah, we all go through hard times. But there are good times too. Such is life, right?

I've been thinking about this a lot lately. And I came to the conclusion that we are kind of misunderstanding this thing called life. I think minor ups and downs are always going to happen. Maybe even some bigger ones every now and then. But I think constantly replaying the process over and over and over and over is slightly unnecessary.

Did you know that with God we have a rock?
We have a solid, unchanging foundation.
Did you know that continued breaking is good?
It helps. It draws us near to God.
"The sacrifice pleasing to God is a broken spirit." Ps 51:17

We just have to know how to deal with the brokennes in a healthy way. Embrace it. But don't let it consume you and drag you down.

So the process...I have concluded....is never going to be over. It's an ongoing process. There is always gonig to be something to fix, change, or work on. We are at war. There is always a battle to be won.

Avoid. Extremes.

This is kind of what I'm trying to get to here. Run. Run after God. But don't get too high and don't get too low. Find that middle. Find that peace. Find that steady breathing that keeps you on track while you're running, so that you aren't gasping for air at one point and barely walking at another. Find your Solid Rock. And embrace the process.

"Therefore, since we also have such a great cloud of witnesses surrounding us, let us lay aside every weight and the sin that so easily ensnares us, and run with endurance the race that lies before us, keeping our eyes on Jesus." Hebrews 12:1-2

I am still running; the only place I ever will belong.

Confession: I'm not nearly as well put together as you think I am...

....and it's ok.

I've been learning a lot about grace as of late.

Hmm. So let's take a look at my life. It seems like I've got it all together. This whole Christian thing...I think I'm doing pretty darn well at it. Like, seriously. I'm not talking about those "I'm a great Christian because I follow all the rules and pray before bed" Christians. Nope. I'm serious. I think I'm doing it right. Jesus has saved me from the agony of my sinful self. He was beaten, scoffed at, and brutally killed upon a cross; and because of that I am redeemed. Yes, my friend. Jesus saved ME. And I have a relationship with him. An intimate, loving, real, deep relationship. I talk to him often. He is my Best Friend. My Daddy. My Lover. My Everything. I spend large amounts of time talking to him everyday. I dig deep into the Bible and discover new things. I go to church and love the fellowship and the challenges he gives me. I'm in a few different missions programs, and they fill me up. They make me excited about living for God. I don't cuss or do drugs or have sex. I don't even have a boyfriend. I just want to focus on God right now.

Sounds pretty good right? It seems like I've got this Christian thing covered. So why am I writing a blog about grace? Why am I writing a blog about anything? I'm doing it all right. ...right?

WRONG.

I'm sure you knew that. I'm sure you knew that I was building up to the point where I would tell you I have screwed up. How much of a sinner I really am and how less than perfect I really am. I guess you're right. Well...kind of. I'm definitely less than perfect. But I really do think I'm doing a pretty good job at the Christian thing.

Ok, I'll get to the point now. The climax of this blog is as follows: I'm walking on egg shells around God. And God is everywhere. So my entire life is on egg shells. What I mean by that is that I've set spiritual standards for myself. And they are pretty darn high standards. I've been striving to be the "perfect Christian." I'm 16 years old and I feel really confident about my life. I'm in love with God and know that he has my life in his hands. I'm doing the Christian thing. And I'm rocking it out. But I'm really strict with myself. Don't get me wrong, it's good to have standards. But it's not good to beat yourself up if you slip every once in a while. It's not good to walk on egg shells. I've gotten so used to doing it right that I'm afraid if I do something wrong I won't measure up to God's expectations for me. I won't be able to be good enough for him. What if a skip devotions one day? I mean, that's ok for most people who aren't normally consistent anyway. But I am consistant. If I skip a day I will surely be letting God down. What if I follow my own sinful desires instead of turning to God for direction? Hmm. That's probably ok for most people who do that all the time. But not me. God has higher expectations for me. Because I've been doing it right for a long time. I'm so afraid. So afraid of letting God down. So afraid of not being good enough for him. Afraid that he will judge me harshly for the mistakes I make. I don't want to let God down. He deserves more.

GRACE.

So I've been learning about grace. I've been learning that these egg shells I've been walking on are ridiculous! I've been learning that God doesn't have expectations for me. I've been learning that God knows I am human. He expects me to sin. ....That's what the cross was for. I am no longer chained down by my failures and mistakes. Jesus tore those chains apart on that cross at Calvary. Grace. Stop being afraid to let God down! Stop fearing he will get fed up with your human-ness. Stop walking on those darn egg shells, dear. God wants you to be comfortable around him. He wants you to rest in his eternal grace. We are offered grace. And because of this grace, we don't have to try to live up to certain expectations. We don't have to set ridiculous standards. We don't have to beat ourselves up over human mistakes. We are all humans. We. Will. Sin. ....grace. Take it. Accept it. Walk in it. Let yourself be free in God's beautiful grace. He is pouring it upon you, clothing you in it. I'm actually writing this for myself more than for you. I'm glad you're reading it. But I'm glad I'm going to read it when I'm done writing, too. Because I'm still struggling to accept God's grace. But I'm getting there. It's ok to mess up now and then. It's ok to mess up often. In fact, it will happen. I guarantee it. But it's ok. God offers grace. ....I've been learning about this as of late.