This is a Haiku
about how much I like blackout poetry
I like it a lot

On Depression (9-24-13)

it's like you're locked in a glass box
in the middle of the desert
and it is always night
except when it's not

and it doesn't get cold
and it doesn't get hot

it just is
and you just are

and you just sit behind your glass walls
hoping someone calls your name
offers something
to break the chains
shatter the thin, hard surface
separating you
from them

a rock even
would do

but no one ever does
that's how it seems at least

they're living too much life to notice

did I mention that to them
it's not a desert
but a beach

your box
it never faces toward the sea

9-24-12

I'm reading a book that says
"God is change"

And that book is not the Bible.

I sure as hell hope that God is not change.
Because everything else is change,
and I was really banking on
Him being solid. 

A Poem and another Poem

Song for Baby-O, Unborn

By Diane DiPrima

Sweetheart

when you break thru

you’ll find

a poet here

not quite what one would choose.

I won’t promise

you’ll never go hungry

or that you won’t be sad

on this gutted

breaking

globe

but I can show you

baby

enough to love

to break your heart

forever

Teacher

By me

I can't promise my babies much either

After all

I'm going to be a teacher

Or maybe just a mother

and a wife

and a gardener

and a runner

and a cook

and a maid

and a secretary

and  writer

and a counselor

and a nurse

and a chauffeur 

and a friend

and a giver

and an artist

and a lover

Maybe that's all I'll ever be

for my babies

That College Kid

I think I'm becoming that college kid.
The kind that is in love with her major
and only always studies
and writes papers
and talks passionately about the things she's learning in class.

The kind that is actually in it for the degree
and the career
and the opportunities.

The kind that spends more time with books than other people
and whose most important reason for being at college
is college.

I never thought I would get to this point.

It seems so...
not
me.

But God has been changing me.

Has he ever.

“Just because I liked something at one point in time doesn’t mean I’ll always like it, or that I have to go on liking it at all points in time as an unthinking act of loyalty to who I am as a person, based solely on who I was as a person. To be loyal to myself is to allow myself to grow and change, and challenge who I am and what I think. The only thing I am for sure is unsure, and this means I’m growing, and not stagnant or shrinking.” - Jarod Kintz

Five Months Later

When I got on the airplane, I was sure this was the beginning of the rest of my life. A year of prayer and fundraising and letter writing and donation sorting and more prayer rested behind me, and this was going to be the part of the story where God told me, “This is what I created you for.” It only made sense. For what other reason would I have been given such a heart for the orphaned, widowed, and poverty-stricken? Wasn’t it only by the directing hand of God that twice as much money as I needed was donated for this trip? The support was overwhelming and I knew this was what God was calling me to.

I’ve listened to so many pastors, speakers, and Sunday school teachers tell me that God-followers take leaps of faith. It’s time to abandon all fear and do something radical for God. If you just open yourself up to what God is calling you to do, incredible things will happen. Do not let fear or doubt or reason hold you back. Even if it seems crazy – sometimes God asks us to do crazy things. Imagine what this world would look like if we began saying yes to the things God is asking us to do. Just say yes, MaryBeth. Just forget everything that lies behind, and run toward this calling. Say yes to God, and behold the amazing things He will do.

Then Peter spoke up, “We have left everything to follow you!”

“Truly I tell you,” Jesus replied, “no one who has left home or brothers or sisters or mother or father or children or fields for me and the gospel will fail to receive a hundred times as much in this present age.”

Mark 10:28-30

And I was doing it. I was saying yes and I was ready to do radical things for the gospel of Christ. I’ve always heard this phrase during sermons that encourage people to say yes to God’s call:                   “God, I’ll do anything you want. Just, please, don’t send me to Africa.”

And I was begging Him. God, send me to Africa. I am ready. I will do it. Use me there. And change me there. And call me there. And I believed He did.

I was ready to abandon everything for His call – college, family, friends, success, money, America, comfort. I would have given it all.

Of course, I was scared to death. Out of my mind.

“For if we are out of our mind, it is for God.”

2 Corinthians 5:12

There were a few glitches along the way, but isn’t that always to be expected when doing Kingdom work?

“In this godless world you will continue to experience difficulties. But take heart! I’ve conquered the world.”

John 16:33

The moment I stepped foot on the dusty African soil, I knew something wasn’t right. I didn’t belong here – the feeling consumed me.

 When no one arrived to pick me up at the airport in which I spoke the language of not one present, I accounted it to “African time,” holding back tears as I struggled to communicate with an unfamiliar employee.

I tried to shake it off as the first orphan child I held tightly grasped the “my heart is in Ethiopia” necklace that had hung from my neck every day for the past year – and ripped it off, breaking it into my hands.

“Things happen”, I told those around me, as a deep hole began to form inside my chest.

Hours after I arrived, I thanked God that I had decided to pack my ankle brace “just in case.” My now twisted ankle screamed at me as I trudged the dusty roads to the school.

Lack of sleep was gnawing at me, and I begged my fellow missionaries to please quiet down so I could get some rest.

“Yesterday was your missionary director’s last day,” I was told one of my first mornings at the guest house. “He has packed up his things and will be moving out.”

I knew what they were really saying, though.

“There is no one in charge of you, now. You will be given no direction and treated more like a burden than a help. Hopefully you remember everything from your last trip, because there will be no instructions given on how to live, eat, or stay safe in this utterly foreign land. Just figure out your own schedule. We don’t care what you do. Figure it out.”

And day after day, I didn’t sleep save a few minutes to make time for my regular nightmares.

My mind was starting to play games with me.

“These people don’t want you here. But you are stuck here. They have trapped you here and you will never get to go home.”

You will never

Go

Home.

“I think there’s something wrong with me,” I managed to form into words through tears to my oh-so-distant mother on a sketchy phone that I borrowed/stole from someone in the house.

It only took us about ten times make the call connect.

Yet I felt like she was my only source of sanity. She was holding me together whether she knew it or not. In this foreign world where I did not belong – everyone and everything was a stranger. All day, every day, I only thought about whether I would be able to reach my mom that night. Hear her voice. Her comforting words, ensuring me that,

 “Everything will be okay, baby. The doctor said you need to come home now, and I am going to do everything I can to get you back as soon as possible. I love you.”

She was my hope.

“The doctor said this medicine has been known to cause suicidal thoughts to some people who have severe adverse reactions to it.”

I guess I had a severe adverse reaction to the medicine.

Five months later, I wonder if I’m having a severe adverse reaction to the trip.

To the broken dreams.

To the crushed expectations.

To the doubting of God’s faithfulness.

To the pieces of a necklace and pieces of a heart that were ripped from me.

To the now confused idea of doing radical things for God.

To the end of the plans I had for the rest of my life.

A few days ago I sat through a sermon much like the ones I heard before I left. The ones that convinced me to say yes to those big things God was calling me to.

“Imagine what God could do if you abandoned your fears and said yes to that thing you know He is asking you do right now.”

Imagine.

I said yes, God.

I thought this was what you wanted me to do.

Did I read you so horribly wrong? Did I let my pride get in the way of your will?

Why would you call me to this…and then rip it away from me in such a brutal way?

I sunk into a depression when I returned from Ethiopia that still hasn’t lifted.

Was this the path you had for me, God? Or did I somehow mess it up and turn it into this disaster?

Is this just one of those things that “happens,” and I can focus on the bad in it or I can focus on the good? It’s my choice.

The pastor the other night told me I need to say yes to God. To whatever He is asking me to do.

But my main question really is this….

Why would I do that again?

If this is what happens when you say yes, why would I ever offer up another yes?

I know what you’re thinking.

God is using this experience to grow you stronger. He is forcing you to rely on Him during this time. He is going to make all things work together for your good. He is faithful. He doesn’t plan for terrible things to happen to us. You may not be able to see it now, but something good will come from this. It’s hard to see the big picture right now. Just be patient. Lean on God. He is teaching you. He still has plans in this. God doesn’t promise that things will be easy, He only promises that He will be with us every step of the way.

Believe me, I have pondered, wrestled with, thrown into the trash, dug through and picked back up, cried out, yelled, sobbed through, and exhausted all of the above and more.

I’m not saying they’re not true.

I’m just saying that I’m tired of the clichés. And I’m tired of hearing the same things over and over again from every person attempting to “look on the bright side.”

This trip sucked.

It was the hardest, most scary, awful thing I have ever experienced in my life.

And it took away my dreams.

And now I don’t know what my dreams are.

And that’s a really scary place to be.

I feel like I had to start rebuilding who I am when I returned.

And I haven’t gotten very far.

Probably because I’m still holding on to who I wanted to be.

That crazy African missionary girl.

Truths

“Take a long, hard look. See how great he is—infinite,
    greater than anything you could ever imagine or figure out!"
    -Job 36:26


Jesus, you're the one who saves us,
constantly creates us into something new.
You make beautiful things out of the dust.
You have plans for me.
You make me new.
You are jealous for me.
I am forgiven and loved.
You save me.
You rescue me from the dominion of darkness.
You are my King.
You are my constant.
You are my only hope.
You are my joy.
You make all things work together for my good.
You care for me.
You are the only thing that is true.
You love me.
You died for me.
You don't see sin when you look at me.
You see beauty.
I am beautiful.
You are faithful.
You will not forsake me.
You will never give up on me.
I am worthy in your eyes.
You know my future.
I am yours.
You are good when there's nothing good in me.
You are perfect.
You want me.
You give me purpose.
You direct my paths.
You are life.
Without you I am nothing.
You are the light shining in my darkness.
You hear my every cry.
You never leave my side.
You bring me up from a desolate pit.
You deliver me.
In you, I am whole.
You teach me.
You counsel me.
You carry me on your back.
You always provide me with a way out.
You are able.
You see the depths of my heart and you love me the same!
Your grace knows no bounds.
Your mercies are new every morning.
You change hearts.
You change lives.
You have removed my sin as far as the east is from the west.
You remain when all else fades.
You never fail.
You do not keep a record of wrongs.
You are peace when I am shaken.
You are eternal.
You make me eternal.
You are safe.
You protect me.
Through you I have victory.
You promise to love me forever.
And you keep your promises.

A Mess

At some point, I thought I had it all figured out.

College, that is. 

And the things I thought God wanted me there for

were organizations and meetings

and busy lifestyles

and Bible studies.

And sometimes

God likes to let you know

that you don't know anything

about anything,

and the things He sent you to college for

were actually

classes and learning

and loving and enjoying. 

Next semester is going to be really messy.

I am really messy.

And I wouldn't want it any other way. 

Quitting

I'm quitting most of the things I was doing last semester.

And it's all going to be really different now.

In his article Ten Ways to Live an Extraordinary Life,
Bob Goff explains,

"Every Thursday, I quit something." 

"The idea is . . .  to give yourself room to grow and to give God room to work. The patterns of life can weigh down and hold back. Quitting things forces you forward to explore new opportunities, to try things you wouldn’t have time for otherwise and to fill your life with things that are fresh, different and dangerous." 

A few months ago, my friend Meghan and I talked about quitting something every Thursday, just like him. The first week we were going to stop having unnecessary, dramatic conversations about guys. 

After that, I can't recall. 

Needless to say, we never successfully quit anything.

And our motivation didn't continue past the first couple of days. 

I've been thinking about Bob Goff ever since, though. 

Actually, I received his new book, Love Does, for Christmas,
and it's been challenging me a lot. 

So, between Mr. Goff's
enthusiasm for Jesus and quitting things, 

and God's gentle nudging

and blatant direction,

I've come to the conclusion

that I should quit. 

The every Thursday thing didn't seem to work out too well for me. 

And now, I haven't quite the time to take this in slow motion.

I believe what God is asking me to do is dramatic and life-changing. 

So I'm quitting everything at once. 

Today I sent out emails to four people informing them of my decision 

and how they were going to need to find someone else to fill my role

in that particular organization. 

Last week, I sat down and met with six godly women

and explained to them where my heart was

and where I thought God was directing me.

Between my parent's wisdom and talking to

a handful of other Jesus-loving individuals,

I'm ready to finally let go. 

I'm not going to go into detail to tell you
all of the things I will be

eliminating from my life.

To be completely honest, 

I've not quite determined it all yet.

But it's coming. 

And it will be a process.

Instead, here are some of the reasons 

I am quitting;

to learn to love my classes

to start running again

to get enough sleep

to meet women for coffee

and talk of life and love and God

to keep my scholarship

to personally invest in people's lives

to spend more time loving my roommates

to maintain healthy relationships

to save money

to learn to rest
to surrender to God,
even when it doesn't seem to make sense

to learn more and teach less

to figure out what humility looks like

to join a group fitness class

to fall in love with highschoolers

to drink more hot tea

to really sit down and get to know people

to focus my heart on Jesus Christ

to grow as a person

to see that God can do this without my help

to meet new people

to enjoy the life I'm living

to spend time doing the things I love

to read more books

to watch others succeed as leaders

to figure out how to love more purely

"[Jesus is] asking us, 

Will you take what you think defines you,

leave it behind, 

and let Me define who you are instead?"
--Bob Goff, Love Does

So here's to the semester ahead.

May God be glorified through
all of the crazy decisions I'm making. 

A Conference in Review

I spent the days between
Christmas and New Years
in a way-too-fancy hotel
with 2,000
Jesus-loving
college students,
listening, learning, writing, meeting, singing,
dancing, crying, praying, talking, sharing.

It's in places like these
that I think a glimpse of Heaven can be found,
and a blanket of love and joy
is covering all humanity present.

Praising God for blessing me with these amazing ladies at the conference.

Here are some of the words I was challenged with
at that beloved conference.

It is a great tragedy that people who claim to be reconciled to God through his Son, Jesus Christ, can't come together.

Never ever ever confuse the gospel with religion.
Religion says, because I do, I am accepted. 
The gospel says, I am accepted, therefore I do.

The way that you know you're saved is one word: Fruit --a changed and changing heart.

I am not all the way where I should be. But, I am not all the way where I once was. 

Most of us in this room don't need more information. We need to be inspired. We need to be challenged. We need to be transformed.

You don't need to join staff or work for a non-profit organization or go to seminary in order to make a difference for the Kingdom of God.

There are over 2,350 verses in the Bible that talk about God's heart for the orphan, the alien, the widow, and the poor.

Most of us are just as greedy in here as the world out there. 
How much is enough?

Most rejections of the gospel aren't rooted in intellectual issues, they're rooted in emotional issues.

There's an unbreakable, organic connection between the fruit of the tree and the roots of the tree -- between your words/behavior and your heart. I'm convinced that the way we try to deal with our problems is nothing more than fruit-nailing. All problems are heart problems. This problem is the heart.

You don't actually want to face that the biggest dangers in life exist inside of you and not outside of you. 
You can't run from your biggest problem, because you can't run from you.

Lasting change in a person's life always travels through the pathway of the heart.

I was meant to live for things vastly bigger than myself.

It will never be about you, because you were born into a world that by its very nature exists to celebrate another. It will never be your party.

We're trapped in a fundamental me-ism that is in itself draining.

Jesus came to do what you are unable to do. He came to break your bondage to you. 

A relationship is a mess worth making

Jesus didn't come to make your little kingdom work -- it will never work -- but to rescue you out of that kingdom and invite you into a much greater Kingdom. 

Don't live just for the affection of another person. Don't live for experiences. Those earth-bound treasures have no ability to satisfy your heart. They will never be your messiah. People can't satisfy you. Things can't satisfy you. These things we attach our hearts to can never satisfy us. They leave us fat, addicted, and in debt.

Where are you looking for your hope? 
Hope is a person and his name is Jesus. 

Why would you waste your time seeking to build the claustrophobic kingdom of self with the knowledge that it will never satisfy? It will only leave you hopeless and empty with its demands. 

Lord, either you show up or everything sucks. 

We are immersed in a story of redemption. 
We are a people with a future. 
Everything that is wrong with this world will be made right.

One of the most poisonous of all Satan's whispers is simply,
"Things will never change." 

You cannot out-dream God. We are immersed into a story with a future. We have much to anticipate. 

There's a Kingdom that's coming that will knock us off our feet. 

The idea that we could be loved in our badness takes a little getting used to. Take some time to actually believe that God is this good. 

Don't just settle for religion when Jesus came to offer life. 
What was Jesus' by nature is yours by grace.

So many of us live the Christian life as if we were grasping for something we already have. 
It's not like Jesus was crucified and then He looked down and said, 
"Earn this."
His sacrifice wasn't some sort of down payment that you have to pay off by being a good person.

It was a gift He gave you, not a deal.
It wasn't a contract, it was a covenant. 

There is no shame in being real before God.
You don't have to fake it. 
It's okay.

What I Learned From the Women at a Maximum Security Prison in Indiana

This past weekend I had the incredible opportunity to spend an afternoon sharing Jesus with drug addicts, thieves, murderers, and alcoholics. I took all of the metal out of my face, put my shoes and belt in a plastic tub, and carried the gospel with me to a women's prison, abundant in regret and redemption.

The woman I was when I walked into the cold, cement building
was not the woman I was when I walked out hours later.

Here are some things God, prisoners, and joyful security guards taught me that day:

• The women knit their own scarves, and they are way better than the scarves I can make. 
• Prisoners are real people.
• They laugh and enjoy life more than most people I see on a daily basis.
• Prison is one of the most joyful places I have been, next to poverty-stricken African streets.
• There was no complaining about the circumstances, only acceptance. 
• They aren't ticked at life.
• These women love God. They didn't need me to bring the gospel to them. They already knew it. 
• The last type of people I expected to meet in a maximum security prison were women of strong faith. God likes to throw my expectations and judgement out the door like that. 
• The women are sharing Christ with those around them, seeing prison cells and 80 years sentences as their mission fields.
• Their priorities are better organized than mine, as the world does not bombard them with distractions. 
• They aren't afraid of dancing, singing, joking, and having a good time. 
• They aren't ashamed. Christ has made them new.
• They have wisdom to share. Words to teach.
• Their faith is stronger than mine.
• They are like Paul, praising God behind bars.
• They love each other with a love that I rarely see.
• They are excited about Jesus Christ.
• They understand the power of the redeeming grace and forgiveness of God far better than I ever will. 
• They didn't need me. 
• I wasn't better than them. 
• They didn't have tattoos of skulls on their faces or look like they wanted to kill me. 
• They cared about me and my life.
• They had college degrees and ambition and dreams.
• They are growing in their faith just like me.
• They are participating in real life, giving what they have to give. 
• Their sins are not more sinful than mine, and God does not judge them any more harshly than he judges me. 
• While the world condemns them, because of the blood of Christ, God condemns them not.
• My heart overflows with judgement and condemnation, even when I think it does not.
• God used prisoners to teach me, not me to teach prisoners.
• Nothing is what you expect it to be when the Holy Spirit is involved.

Our team of incredible women.

There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.For the law of the Spirit of life has set you free in Christ Jesus from the law of sin and death. 

Romans 8:1-2

Blessings.

Sometimes God taps you on the shoulder

and whispers,

"Hey, would you like to be a part of this person's story?"

And then you find yourself
sitting on the floor of a hotel lobby
at 1 in the morning
telling a beautiful woman
about the saving grace of Jesus

and how He wants her to be His
for good
and forever.

And sometimes God
allows you the incredible opportunity
to share in the experience
of someone giving her life
and heart
and mind
and soul
to Him.

And fresh tears of joy and freedom
fall onto the 5 star hallway carpet
as new names are written into the
Book of Life.

I don't know why God let's me be a part of things like this.

But these are the days that make every other day worth it.

December 30, 2012.

Welcome to the family, Woman of God.













He saved us—
not by works of righteousness that we had done,
but according to His mercy,
through the washing of regeneration
and renewal by the Holy Spirit.
Titus 3:5

Observations From The Purple Seat Of A Go West Bus

A young, handsome man approached
a girl with curly blonde hair.

"Can I sit by you?
I know I don't know you
but..."

And he extended his hand to her
and introduced himself
as he took the seat
which was uncomfortably close

As all the bus seats are.

"Hi Shannon. It's nice to meet you."

As he offered her a sip of his
Campbells Chicken Noodle
Cup O' Soup
on this chilly evening.

She giggled
as she responded with
"No, no thanks."

And so he just made small talk
with her

And she introduced him
to her friend Megan.

And we all got off at the next stop.

Thirty seconds of my day.

And Humanity is beautiful.

I want to be more like the friendly people.

College is a Battleground

When I was young
they told me to trust my teachers
for what they said was wise, knowledgable, and true

We are now playing a different game

If I trusted each word
that was so eloquently
inserted into my mind
here

I would lose myself

I live on a battleground where
flowers equal sex
and
Freud equals wise

Sex, sex, and sex are the subject matter today

"We haven't discussed what going on with sex.
It woudn't be a lit. class if I didn't write
sex
on the board,
huh?"

perhaps tomorrow my ears will be graced
with lessons on
"The Christian creation myth"
and factors which argue that the
"mystical traditions of Christianity and Buddhism
are teaching the same things"

"Aren't all humans actually werewolves?"
Dr. T asks, intending to pose a rhetorical question

The class stares, possibly buying into him
as I promtly break the silence with a vehement

"No."

Question after question
word after word
of falsehood

"Is beauty something different from evolution?"

"I know we are all just machines,
and I hate that
because I like the idea of being
completely
and
utterly
in
control."

I live on a battleground
where spritual warfare is waging like
this is its home

and discernment is my prayer
with every classroom that I enter.

For the time will come when they will not tolerate sound doctrine, but according to their own desires, will multiply teachers for themselves because they have an itch to hear something new. They will turn away from hearing the truth and will turn aside to myths.  But as for you, be serious about everything, endure hardship, do the work of an evangelist, fulfill your ministry.
II Timothy 4:3-5

Contradiction

I
saw
a man
light a cigarette
the moment he step-
ped out of the rec. today.

I had salad for lunch yesterday

and three pumpkin bars for dessert.

Sometimes it seems that
all we can really do
is just try to
balance
things
out.