Tired of It: July 6, 2009

I feel close but distant. Does that make sense? Like I am so in love with You and I know You and want to follow You and please You. And I am in deep thought a lot thinking about You. But then I feel distant like that one on one time we usually have is lacking and I'm a bit starved of Your Word. And I feel confused a lot. Like I'm not really sure which direction to go. And then sometimes I just feel like a jerk. Like...there is absolutely nothing about me today that speaks of Your love. And then a lot of times I get really frustrated. Because the world is throwing so many thoughts and ideas at me, telling me what is right and what is wrong. Even when it comes to my faith, thre are so many debates. And it makes me feel unwise that I don't know how to sift through it and hold onto what is actually right. It all overwhelms me at times. You know what else? I'm tired of living amongst such brokenness. I'm just tired of it! I feel worthless because I am not fixing any of it. And there are still babies being killed and children starving and innocence being stolen and lives being shattered. There is still suffering no matter how passionate I am about changing it. It's still happening! And it makes me want to cry. Can't it all just go away? I'm tired of dealing with it. It breaks me down. Hardcore. You know what else? I'm tired of being surrounded by jerks all the time. I'm tired of people telling me I'm not good enough. I'm tired of people rejecting a life that has already been paid for by death on a cross! I'm tired of living in a world that is going in the completely wrong direction. Each day is a constant battle to hang on. To not fall into the arms of the world. To not give in or be misguided and fall flat on my face. I feel like I'm on a one inch wide balance beam a thousand feet in the air in the middle of a hurricane fighting for my life with everything I have in me. Everyday. It's exhausting to say the least. You know what else I'm tired of? Broken relationships. People bailing on me and leaving me with noting but deep wounds. I'm tired of everyone I ever trusted becoming an idiot and completely letting me down. And walking away from You. The world, I expect to fail me. But Christians? The ones I look up to. The ones I hold dear to my heart and share my story with. I never expected them to walk away too. It frustrates me so much. I'm tired of being wounded and broken. And I'm tired of being afraid to trust. And I'm tired of having to make hard decisions and wondering if I'm failing at all of them. I'm tired of Satan. Oh, man, am I tired of Satan. He. Ruins. Everything. I'm tired of being tempted. I don't want to be afraid. And Satan puts fear in my life. Also, I'm tired of the details. All of the distractions that draw my eyes from you. Even if only for a moment. I'm tired of this world. It pains me to look at it everyday.