Foggy Days

This is my third post about Heather.

Maybe it seems like a lot.

I think I've discovered

that the easiest way for me to express what I'm feeling

is by writing.

So write I will.

I will write about her until

it has all been released.

I don't understand death or dying.

I've been through it a time or two, I guess.
But I didn't understand it then either.

I don't understand why sometimes
people die at the age of 103
from what we tend to call
"natural causes."
They just lived their life
to its fullest extent.

And sometimes people die at the age of 57
from the cancer that had been spreading
in their body for years.
It was just a ticking time bomb.

And sometimes people go to
sleep one night
at the sweet sweet age of 17,
and don't wake up the next morning.
And nobody.
ever.
understands.
why.

More than death,
I don't understand mourning.

I don't think I understand it
even a little bit.

Apparenty there are stages or something
to grief.
But I don't remember them.

Anger is one of them.
I suppose I feel that.

Denial...maybe...is another.
I suppose I dealt with that
at the very beginning.

There's acceptance.
Yeah, I don't know when that is
supposed to happen.

Is there like...
a time limit
to this mourning thing?

How long am I allowed to be sad for?

This is day three.
And it only feels like it's getting harder.

Is this one of those things that gets harder before it gets better?

I'm going to be celebrating my 18th birthday
in three days.
But today all I can think about
is how she'll never get to celebrate hers.

It would have been next tuesday.
Just for the record.
We were only five days apart in age.

Death...
She died.
She's actually gone.

Life still kind of seems like it's in a fog.
Just going through the motions,
while feeling nothing.

You know what the weirdest part
of mourning is?
The rest of the world goes on.

Yeah, they don't stop to mourn with you.
Soldiers are still fighting in Iraq.
Boyfriends are still breaking up
with their girlfriends.
Teenagers are still complaining
about not having anything to eat
in thier refrigerator full of food.
Children in Ethiopia
still don't have clean water.

The world is still turning.
And I'm not sure if that's
a good thing or a bad thing.

Because nothing else really
seems to matter in my life right now.
I wonder how long that will last.

Is this all just going to fade away
on its own?
Or am I going to have to work
on getting over it
and moving forward?

You see, the thing is....
I don't understand death or dying.
And more than that,
I don't understand mourning.

Matthew 5:4
Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted.

And so I cling to that.