We had a guest speaker at church this week. I don't remember his name or where he was from. But, I do remember that he had a really powerful message, and he was full of passion and the Holy Spirit. I know that he was legit about Jesus Christ.
I got up and shared about my trip to Ethiopia in front of the congregation on Sunday for a few minutes. I guess that's all that guest pastor knew of me. I didn't talk to him or tell him my life story. I didn't share with him how I was feeling about Africa and college and growing up. ...But I guess he figured it out anyway. I guess God must have filled him in. Because, he came up to me after the service and blessed me with this wonderful verse:
So do not fear, for I am with you;
do not be dismayed, for I am your God.
I will strengthen you and help you;
I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.
--Isaiah 41:10
And I guess I didn't recognize until right then....how scared I really was. Because when he started talking to me about not being afraid, my eyes began filling up with tears -- unexpected tears. So then I sat there and starting thinking about it. And the more I thought about it, the more I realized how scared I really am. And the more I realized how scared I was, the more that verse continued to bless me and fill me with peace. And the more I was filled with peace about my fears, the more I found myself in awe of the greatness of God.
Yeah, I am scared.
I'm scared of being fully surrendered and heading to a country halfway across the world with no idea what to expect. I'm afraid of a 14 hour plane ride. I fear being completely out of my element and not knowing how to reach the people there. I'm afraid I won't be able to handle the utter poverty that I'm going to face. I'm scared that my own pride is going to get in the way of my ability to share God's love. I'm afraid of not being able to make the impact that I'm supposed to make there. I fear that Africa will not meet all the hype -- that I will come home disappointed and exhausted.
I'm afraid of coming home and having my life completely flipped around, trying to figure out how to deal with what I've just experience in Africa...and then having to pack up right away and move away from home and start this college thing. I'm afraid I won't be the same person I am when I left, and at the same time I hope Africa changes me. I fear I'm trying to take on too many life altering things at one time. I'm afraid of college being ridiculously more than I can handle. I'm scared that the crazy college world will suck me in and corrupt me into someone who I am not. I'm scared of not being able to find that solid group of Christian friends that I am going to need for support. I'm scared of not knowing what to say when my psychology professor lectures on humanism and how there is no way to possibly know the meaning of this life. I'm afraid of wasting my time day after day...not doing enough for the Kingdom of God.
I feel like I'm probably going to have some sort of epic, super-spiritual breakthrough sometime soon. Sometime between intimate cabin devotions at camp, falling on my knees at cornerstone, and giving a poverty-stricken boy his first pair of new shoes...I feel that God is definitely going to take hold of me and teach me something ridiculously powerful. How could he not?
I talked to a man who spent some years in Africa. I told him about my trip. He told me this:
"Don't go to Africa and not expect to be changed."
So that scares me, and also is pretty exciting.
I guess the whole point of this post is that I didn't realize how scared I was until someone told me not to be scared. And then God worked in a pretty awesome way. Because He will strengthen me and help me and uphold me with His righteous right hand.
And when I meditated on that promise, the fears began to fade away.
God says, "Don't be afraid."
Don't be afraid of failure or illness or the days to come. Do not be afriad of life or death or any trial you may face. Because He is with me.
For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord. --Romans 8:38-39
And as I start worrying about the trials ahead, the Lord comforts me in speaking these words:
Consider it pure joy, my brothers,whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.
Blessed is the one who perseveres under trial because, having stood the test, that person will receive the crown of life that the Lord has promised to those who love him.
--James chapter 1
Take that psychology professors, scary plane rides, and intimidating circumstances.
I have a crown waiting for me.
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