Thanksgiving is Not a Competition

...against anyone but yourself.

So, this year for Turkey Day, I have decided to write up a game plan to help you reach your maximum feasting potential. Now, don't be alarmed or overwhelmed, for this is probably the same order of events you follow every year. You just haven't recognized them. So, in order to help you better organize your giving of thanks, you are welcome to follow the process which I like to call...

Thanksgiving in Seven Rounds

Round One: The Pre-Meal. During this round one snacks on olives, carrots, and cheese slices from the relish tray, and may also grab a bite of dessert such as the corner brownie piece, just to help the time pass and ease the anticipation of the meal to come.

Round Two: Classic Feast. During this round, a prayer is said and one fills his plate with all of the traditional Thanksgiving foods. Turkey, mashed potatoes, a vegetable, and a roll are typically consumed during this round.

Round Three: The Return Trip. During this round, the feaster returns to the kitchen and samples a variety of unfamiliar dishes and casseroles that didn't make the cut for round two due to their first-year presence or lack of association with typical Thanksgiving food.

Round Four: One Pile of One Food. As one ventures into the latter half of this event, the likes and dislikes have been well established. Usually, the fourth round consists of one plate being filled with one single dish -- the favorite of the day (usually discovered in round three).

Round Five: First Dessert. After a short break from the fork-to-mouth motion -- usually filled with food-related discussion and a drink refill -- one of the favorite rounds begins. During this round, the eater excitedly serves himself a portion of the delightful dessert he's been eyeing all day. Classics such as pumpkin pie, apple cobbler, and turtle brownies are common in this round, often topped with whipped cream.

Round Six: Second Dessert. First dessert is shortly followed by round six, the loading of the sample plate. During this round, the now sluggish meal-attendee returns to the dessert table to gather a sample of many of the other sweet treats. Less classic desserts, such as cheesecake, other pies, and fluffs are enjoyed during this round. (Note: A cup of coffee is typically offered between rounds five and six, for the full dessert experience.)

Round Seven: Pickins'. At last, the final round. Everyone is full and at least an hour has passed since the culmination of round six. During this round, clean-up begins as feasters roam in and out of the kitchen, grabbing a piece of turkey or a handful of olives before they get put away and the whole experience comes to an end. Once the Saran Wrap goes on, the finish line has been met, and one can only now rest and anticipate next year's glorious Thanksgiving Feast.

Have a Happy Thanksgiving,
and you're welcome.