What I Learned From the Women at a Maximum Security Prison in Indiana

This past weekend I had the incredible opportunity to spend an afternoon sharing Jesus with drug addicts, thieves, murderers, and alcoholics. I took all of the metal out of my face, put my shoes and belt in a plastic tub, and carried the gospel with me to a women's prison, abundant in regret and redemption.

The woman I was when I walked into the cold, cement building
was not the woman I was when I walked out hours later.

Here are some things God, prisoners, and joyful security guards taught me that day:

• The women knit their own scarves, and they are way better than the scarves I can make. 
• Prisoners are real people.
• They laugh and enjoy life more than most people I see on a daily basis.
• Prison is one of the most joyful places I have been, next to poverty-stricken African streets.
• There was no complaining about the circumstances, only acceptance. 
• They aren't ticked at life.
• These women love God. They didn't need me to bring the gospel to them. They already knew it. 
• The last type of people I expected to meet in a maximum security prison were women of strong faith. God likes to throw my expectations and judgement out the door like that. 
• The women are sharing Christ with those around them, seeing prison cells and 80 years sentences as their mission fields.
• Their priorities are better organized than mine, as the world does not bombard them with distractions. 
• They aren't afraid of dancing, singing, joking, and having a good time. 
• They aren't ashamed. Christ has made them new.
• They have wisdom to share. Words to teach.
• Their faith is stronger than mine.
• They are like Paul, praising God behind bars.
• They love each other with a love that I rarely see.
• They are excited about Jesus Christ.
• They understand the power of the redeeming grace and forgiveness of God far better than I ever will. 
• They didn't need me. 
• I wasn't better than them. 
• They didn't have tattoos of skulls on their faces or look like they wanted to kill me. 
• They cared about me and my life.
• They had college degrees and ambition and dreams.
• They are growing in their faith just like me.
• They are participating in real life, giving what they have to give. 
• Their sins are not more sinful than mine, and God does not judge them any more harshly than he judges me. 
• While the world condemns them, because of the blood of Christ, God condemns them not.
• My heart overflows with judgement and condemnation, even when I think it does not.
• God used prisoners to teach me, not me to teach prisoners.
• Nothing is what you expect it to be when the Holy Spirit is involved.

Our team of incredible women.

There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.For the law of the Spirit of life has set you free in Christ Jesus from the law of sin and death. 

Romans 8:1-2

Blessings.

Sometimes God taps you on the shoulder

and whispers,

"Hey, would you like to be a part of this person's story?"

And then you find yourself
sitting on the floor of a hotel lobby
at 1 in the morning
telling a beautiful woman
about the saving grace of Jesus

and how He wants her to be His
for good
and forever.

And sometimes God
allows you the incredible opportunity
to share in the experience
of someone giving her life
and heart
and mind
and soul
to Him.

And fresh tears of joy and freedom
fall onto the 5 star hallway carpet
as new names are written into the
Book of Life.

I don't know why God let's me be a part of things like this.

But these are the days that make every other day worth it.

December 30, 2012.

Welcome to the family, Woman of God.













He saved us—
not by works of righteousness that we had done,
but according to His mercy,
through the washing of regeneration
and renewal by the Holy Spirit.
Titus 3:5

Observations From The Purple Seat Of A Go West Bus

A young, handsome man approached
a girl with curly blonde hair.

"Can I sit by you?
I know I don't know you
but..."

And he extended his hand to her
and introduced himself
as he took the seat
which was uncomfortably close

As all the bus seats are.

"Hi Shannon. It's nice to meet you."

As he offered her a sip of his
Campbells Chicken Noodle
Cup O' Soup
on this chilly evening.

She giggled
as she responded with
"No, no thanks."

And so he just made small talk
with her

And she introduced him
to her friend Megan.

And we all got off at the next stop.

Thirty seconds of my day.

And Humanity is beautiful.

I want to be more like the friendly people.

College is a Battleground

When I was young
they told me to trust my teachers
for what they said was wise, knowledgable, and true

We are now playing a different game

If I trusted each word
that was so eloquently
inserted into my mind
here

I would lose myself

I live on a battleground where
flowers equal sex
and
Freud equals wise

Sex, sex, and sex are the subject matter today

"We haven't discussed what going on with sex.
It woudn't be a lit. class if I didn't write
sex
on the board,
huh?"

perhaps tomorrow my ears will be graced
with lessons on
"The Christian creation myth"
and factors which argue that the
"mystical traditions of Christianity and Buddhism
are teaching the same things"

"Aren't all humans actually werewolves?"
Dr. T asks, intending to pose a rhetorical question

The class stares, possibly buying into him
as I promtly break the silence with a vehement

"No."

Question after question
word after word
of falsehood

"Is beauty something different from evolution?"

"I know we are all just machines,
and I hate that
because I like the idea of being
completely
and
utterly
in
control."

I live on a battleground
where spritual warfare is waging like
this is its home

and discernment is my prayer
with every classroom that I enter.

For the time will come when they will not tolerate sound doctrine, but according to their own desires, will multiply teachers for themselves because they have an itch to hear something new. They will turn away from hearing the truth and will turn aside to myths.  But as for you, be serious about everything, endure hardship, do the work of an evangelist, fulfill your ministry.
II Timothy 4:3-5

Contradiction

I
saw
a man
light a cigarette
the moment he step-
ped out of the rec. today.

I had salad for lunch yesterday

and three pumpkin bars for dessert.

Sometimes it seems that
all we can really do
is just try to
balance
things
out.

Not All Who Wander Are Lost

My friend Emily and I were talking tonight
about how we want to go far away and experience the world,
and love Jesus and love people,
making disciples of all nations.

We're tired of the American dream,
and we haven't even started living it yet.
We don't want dental insurance
and we're not sure what the point of this
college degree thing is.

It all got me thinking about how
I still have no idea what I
"want to do with my life."

Since that is the question
we all face each day.
At least, all of us college kids.

And, how I don't really even have
any particular liking for the career
I am studying to pursue.

And, how I already feel that
when I return from Ethiopia
my heart will just long for more.

Emily told me that her parents are
starting to prepare themselves
for the possibility that she will never
really settle in America,
the only land she's ever known.

I wonder if I will ever really settle in America.

I wonder what God has for me.

Oh, how I wonder.

In the midst of my wondering,
my mind likes to toss around the idea of this:
http://www.theworldrace.org/?tab=about

11 countries in 11 months.

...I wonder.

Ethiopia 2013

A video about my upcoming missions trip. Enjoy!

Coffee Shop

An attractive
middle-eastern
couple
chats endlessly over a hot beverage
across the room.

Her head covered,
his eyes on fire.

Their plates were empty
hours ago.

As she smiles,
he laughs.

She puts her head in her hands
and giggles
as he tells stories
in a language I can't comprehend.

I think
they must love each other.

I really have no doubt.

 

Convicted

I've been spending my life
creating running schedules
and buying thrift store jeans
and not wearing shoes
and memorizing poetry
and figuring out gas prices for trips with Christians

but I haven't been telling people about Jesus

and that might be the only thing that matters.

How, then, can they call on the one they have not believed in? And how can they believe in the one of whom they have not heard? And how can they hear without someone preaching to them?
Romans 10:14

I've only just begun the several hour process
of studying things like
"the accretion of solar nebula to make planets"
and
"the discovery of the Moho/crust mantle boundary"
for tomorrow's exam,

And all my heart wants
is to gently rock a small
African baby to sleep,
singing hymns
and pouring love,
knowing that the brighter days are ahead.

 

The Thought of Living in America for the Rest of My Life

Scares the crap out of me.

But, when I pondered this, I realized that the thought of
living in another country for the rest of my life

also scares the crap out of me.

Each for different reasons, of course.

My soul burns with passion for missions.
I am on fire, and I want to go.
And do.
And make disciples.

I just switched my major
in order to get certified to teach High School English.
With this, another semester was added to my total university time.

Each day I am able to grasp a little more
the idea that I may actually be here
on this college campus
for three and a half more years.

Sometimes I'm not sure if I can make it,
if I want to make it,
or if I'm supposed to make it.

Three and a haf years is a long time from now.

Nearly 2016.

I think I would be surprised if I was still here.
I think I would be surprised if I was still in America.
But, I'm utterly aware that my God is a God of surprises
and often calls us to the unexpected.

Fact: I love being a missionary at Western Illinois University.
Is it what I thought I would be doing with these four years of my life?
Not even a little tiny bit.

But, I love it.
I love telling people about Jesus in a way they've never heard Him explained before.
I love stuffing ten women into a dorm room to study the Word and share hearts.
I love running on empty streets in the morning and dedicating my day to God's glory.
I love sharing every meal with a community of believers who want to see this campus on fire for God.
I love meeting new people, and realizing they love Jesus too, and aren't quite sure what they're doing at college either.
I love evenings spent at a coffee shop, worshiping Jesus and sipping hot chai with caramel.
I love that this existence is not putting me into debt.
I love the absolutely incredible friends and Christian community God has lavished upon me.
I love diversity and experiences and my possibly high, gay poetry professor.
I love learning and growing and buying my own deodorant.
I love being a part of a movement for Christ that is changing lives every day.

Yet, in it's own way, every day comes with a moment of dissatisfaction.
Because I don't want what this University is trying to give me.
And I don't want what America is trying to push me toward.
And the deepest parts of my being are on FIRE
to GO.
and do.
and serve.
and tell of Jesus.
and experience the world.
and love the orphans.
and rescue women from sex-trafficking.
and pray for broken bodies to be made whole.
and cook a meal for a starving child.
and make disciples of all the nations.

A God-loving student I met at a conference last year just left for a missions trip called World Race.
He is going to 11 countries in 11 months
and being the hands and feet of Jesus
all over the world.

And my soul burns with the hope
that one day I would find myself
doing the same.

I am going to Ethiopia for a month and a half over the summer.
If I didn't have that, I don't know what I would do.

Because the thought of living in America for the rest of my life
is one that I cannot quite handle.

The American dream sounds terribly dissatifying to me.
I just want to go and do.

To say that I don't know why God has put me here on this campus in America right now
would be a lie.

I know.
You probably even know.
The movement happening here is no secret.
It's a big deal. And it's awesome.

If it wasn't for this missions field on campus, I would have no reason to be here.
So with that, I push on.

I long to go.
But, God has me staying for now.

It is only my hope that the staying is temporary,
and the going is permanent.

God, grant me patience and satisfaction.

"I know that there is nothing better for people than to be happy and to do good while they live. That each of them may eat and drink, and find satisfaction in all their toil—this is the gift of God." --Ecclesiastes 3:12-13

Walking down Adams Street this morning
smelled of alcohol and promiscuity.

I don't think I've ever struggled with judging others
so much in my life as I do at school.

With feeling like I'm better than every
broken soul playing beer pong
in a front yard across the street.
Like I have it all together,
And they hardly deserve my time.

Last night I closed my window to drown out the cries
of drunken college students searching for
life in a bottle.

God, soften my heart.
Give me your eyes.
Have mercy.

"Don’t pick on people, jump on their failures, criticize their faults— unless, of course, you want the same treatment. That critical spirit has a way of boomeranging. It’s easy to see a smudge on your neighbor’s face and be oblivious to the ugly sneer on your own. Do you have the nerve to say, ‘Let me wash your face for you,’ when your own face is distorted by contempt? It’s this whole traveling road-show mentality all over again, playing a holier-than-thou part instead of just living your part. Wipe that ugly sneer off your own face, and you might be fit to offer a washcloth to your neighbor."
-Matthew 7:1-5 (The Message)
 

Today I noticed a wearied tree
leaves falling
falling
falling

Mahogany crisps
gently cascading
the ever-patient earth

Autumn

Do not delay
for humanity waits
in desperation
for your arrival

Ethiopia 2013 is Happening!

Dear friends and family,

                                 

It is with great joy that I write this letter and am able to share with you what God has laid on my heart.

I am going back to Ethiopia!

After my two-week stay in that beloved country in 2011, I knew I had to go back. I suppose it was never really a question to me whether I would return to Ethiopia or not. From the moment I stepped foot on that dusty, African soil, the question never was, 'will I return?' but, 'when will I return?’ It's never been an option not to go back. How could I not return to the nation God has so lovingly called me to?

Throughout the crazy process of transitioning to college life over the past year and a half, I spent a lot more time than anticipated longing for Africa. Going to Africa changed me far more than I ever expected it would. It changed everything from the way I go grocery shopping to the amount of time I leave the faucet running while brushing my teeth. It changed how I pray and how I feel when I see commercials of impoverished children on television. Ethiopia changed my understanding of worship and sacrifice and joy. It truly grew me in ways far beyond my understanding.

When I returned to America last year, I often referred to the idea that I left part of my heart in Africa. I fully expected that feeling to wear off over time. But, it never quite did. Sometimes, it even seemed to grow stronger. Some part of me - something now ingrained deep within my being - longs desperately for that dirty, smelly, torn-down, blessed country.

After much prayer and petition, I am elated that God has allowed me the opportunity to return to the place where part of my heart will forever be.

In May of 2013 I will be travelling back to Debre Zeit, Ethiopia. There, I will spend six weeks serving as a short-term missionary. With Blessing the Children International (BCI), the same organization I worked through last year, I will have the opportunity to work side-by-side with Ethiopian social workers, spending my days ministering to children who are in the BCI child sponsorship program. Some of the areas I will get to be involved in are organizing children's activity days, serving in local churches, ministering to orphans at BCI's foster home, daily home visits to provide donations and prayer to impoverished families, and building relationships with fellow believers halfway across the world.

My prayer is that I would willingly serve God with reckless abandonment throughout the entire duration of this trip. It is my desire that His will be done through my life and the lives of those I will come in contact with in Ethiopia. Would you please consider joining me in prayer for my adventure that is to come? Pray for my heart to be prepared for all that God has for me in Ethiopia. Also, keep Blessing the Children and all of those whom they are ministering to in your prayers. Pray that I may be used as an instrument to share God's love in a foreign land.

 "For the intense prayer of the righteous is very powerful."  --James 5:16.

I also ask that you would prayerfully consider supporting my trip financially. My total funds needed for this six-week stay is $4,500, which will cover airfare, room and board, transportation to ministry sites, and project funds. While this number may seem like a giant during these economic times, I am confident that God will provide what is needed to allow me to follow His call to Ethiopia. I ask that you would consider a monetary donation toward this trip if the Lord lays it upon your heart. If you are interested in supporting me financially, please use the information below.

I thank you immensely for your support and encouragement as I embark upon this journey. With great joy and anticipation, I look forward to sharing this experience with you. May we all come together to see the will of the Lord be done.

With Love in Christ,

 MaryBeth Hornbaker

To Support Ethiopia 2013:

Donations can be made payable to MaryBeth Hornbaker and sent to me at 623 North Crafford Street, Bushnell IL, 61422. To make a tax-deductable donation, please make checks payable to Blessing the Children International and send to the same address. Donations can also be made online at www.followyou2013.blogspot.com. Thank you!

Why I am Indifferent Toward Getting a College Degree, and Other Controversial Musings

You might hate me after reading this, just a fair warning.

I feel like I've kind of been hiding parts of myself from some of you for a while now. Or rather, I feel that I have perhaps been miscommunicating my true intentions. What I'm doing with my life right now is probably not quite what you thought I was doing, and I wanted to let you know.

It's not that I've purposely been lying to anyone about my current state of being. It's more like...I've been avoiding giving everyone the full details.
It seems I've been unnervingly terrified of your judgement
and perhaps of your mother's judgement
and her friend so-and-so's.

And I didn't want you to think I was wasting my life.
And I feared you might tell your children not to grow up like me.
And I wasn't completely sure of myself anyway
So I didn't want proclaim something that I wasn't sure I had my heart in 100%
Because what if I reneged?
Then what would you tell your children?

But since I've been doing this for a year now, I figured it was quite time you understood my intentions.

“We're all pretty bizarre. Some of us are just better at hiding it, that's all.”
― John Hughes, The Breakfast Club

I'm not going to college to get a degree.
And I don't believe that is what God has me there for, either.

If my sole motivation for being in college was to receive a piece of paper that may help me land a job that pays two dollars an hour higher than the job I had when I was sixteen, I wouldn't have made it through semester number one.
I needed another reason to be there.

You see, I'm not really sure what I was thinking, signing up for four more years of school in the first place. I suppose I didn't really know what else to do. It seemed like a better option than pulling cans of green beans to the font of a shelf at the local grocery store for the rest of my life. Maybe I was just looking for somewhere to go and something to do until I found this husband character who was going to sweep me off my feet and insist I drop out of college, volunteer at a Christian coffee shop, raise our three beautiful children from home, and make yearly trips to third-world countries to love on impoverished orphans.

I've never really been much of a career-minded individual. I've thought about jobs I might like to have in the future -- even tried three times to select my major accordingly. It turns out, I just don't really want to be a career woman. I know that's not what I'm supposed to say. I'm supposed to stand up and claim my power as an independent woman who can climb to the top without any man supporting her along the way! But, as it turns out, I kind of just want to be a wife and a mom and a home-maker. I want to fold laundry and cook dinner and braid little girls' hair.
Or maybe I want to move to Africa and adopt twelve children and live in a shack on a dirt road, eating stale bread and green oranges for dinner.

Either way, my desires in this life do not require a college degree or a well-paying job or a big house with apple trees and a swingset in the backyard.
This "American Dream" that I've been hearing about kind of sounds like a load of crap to me.
And, there is simply nothing in me that cares if I walk away from a university in three years with a Bachelor's of Such and Such to my name.

Yet here I am, packing up my mini-fridge and emergency first aid kit to move into my 10 by 7 foot dorm for the second year in a row. Here I am, registering for classes like "Introduction to New Media" and "Exploring Eastern Religions."

I spend my evenings at coffee shops writing papers about the emergence of King Arthur in nineteenth century literature. I eat three meals a day in a cafeteria that caused me to gain fifteen pounds my first year. I buy four months worth of deodorant at a time so I don't have to leave campus to get more. I am a college student every day of my life.

For what?

I spent a while trying to figure it out in the begining -- why God would have me here at this mediocre, far-from-conservative, gettin-wasted-every-night, non-Christian school that teaches me about how homosexuality is possibly even more of a natural way of connecting than heterosexuality, and it seems that we were perhaps even made to be with someone of the same sex.

But if you read that sentence again...
and try to figure out why God would have me at WIU...
it all seems very clear.

Where did I think God wanted me?
In some sort of cookie-cutter Christian bubble, floating around with a warm-hearted smile while we all supported each other in our missions trips to various unpronouncable nations and secretly were completely envious of our roomate's boyfriends and our non-Christian friend's ability to stay out past ten on weeknights...11 on weekends?

  "I am sending you to them to open their eyes and turn them from darkness to light, and from the power of Satan to God, so that they may receive forgiveness of sins and a place among those who are sanctified by faith in me." -- Acts 26:17-18

He sends us into the darkest places to proclaim His light.

"The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome it." --John 1:5

So I went to college at a mediocre, secular, party school. And, I didn't want to. But God made it clear to me in many ways that He had a place for me there.
And I prayed that He would send me anywhere else instead.
And in response, He provided me with a four-year scholarship to my mediocre, party school.

And I laughed.
And I sighed.
And I went.

And, It's all kind of been a whirlwind since then.
For a while, classes were my priority,
but I got over that pretty fast.

Soon, God began moving in ways that I couldn't even comprehend.
And people started giving their lives to Jesus,
and sixteen baptisms, and the most incredible Christian community I've ever experienced, and walking up to strangers in a cafeteria to tell them about Jesus, and spending my weekends in prayer and worship and my week nights at Bible study. And it was incredibly bazaar. I've never heard of anything like it...going to college for Jesus, not for an education.

But, that kind of seems to be what I'm doing.

Don't worry, I'm still regularly attending my classes and working hard to do well in them. I'm still learning as much as I can and staying on track to graduate in four years. I'm still trying to work at what I do as if working for the Lord and not for man.
But really, what I'm doing is being a missionary in one of the darkest places I've ever been.

It's been one of the most fulfilling experiences of my life,
and it's only just begun.

I must be honest, though. While I am enthused about what God is doing on my campus and what He has given me the opportunity to participate in, I don't have any incredible attachment to this place.
I certainly don't have an attachment to graduating with a degree.
And, I'd be pretty okay if God called me someplace else when my time at WIU was up.
I'd be fine with leaving early to go to Africa or get married or go wherever the heck He told me to go.

I know this is weird.
It's isn't normal.
It's certainly quite controversial.

But I'm pretty much ready to say,
Screw normalcy.

I just want to love my life and figure out who I am and follow God wherever He leads me.

And, maybe I'm totally off in all of these theories I've got about life and love and God.
If I am, I suppose I will learn that lesson in the days to come.
And, maybe you don't approve of what I'm doing with my life,
thinking I'm "wasting my scholarship and valuable taxpayer dollars" on this little phase I'm going through.

Maybe I have this all wrong.
But at least I've got something.

So, there you have it.
There is my life as of late.
When you think of me at college during your afternoon ponderings, don't think of me as a full-time student, think of me as a full-time missionary, paying my way to be there by attending classes.

And, I suppose I will just continue on in this dark world, attempting to shine with every ounce of light I have in me.
And the darkness against me won't prevail.

“Look at the nations and watch—
and be utterly amazed.
For I am going to do something in your days
that you would not believe,
even if you were told." --Hab 1:5