Or have you loved me long enough already
that you could let it slide?
If I was gay
would you hand me over, too
hoping that someone, somewhere
would do what you chose not to?
Or is my life worth fighting for?
If I was gay
would you love me?
Not "despite of..."
but just love me?
I am not gay.
But if I was...
Would you?
"When they kept on questioning him, Jesus straightened up and said to them, 'Let any one of you who is without sin be the first to throw a stone at her.' - John 8
If the first thing you did when you saw me
was try to determine if I was more or less fat
than you,
then welcome to the party.
My jeans are size twelve,
but I look like I wear a size ten.
Does that help you out?
The average American woman wears a size fourteen
....according to WebMD.
So my thighs are slightly less thunderous
than Jane Doe's.
But they can sure hold their own
in my group of size zero friends.
If you're trying to decide if I'm prettier than you,
might I ask you to wait until I'm wearing my cute outfit?
That way I've at least got a fair shot.
Do you tell me I'm beautiful every time you see me
because you think you're not?
But here is where it gets real:
I've never met someone and not compared myself to them.
I've never met someone
and not compared myself to them.
I've never
met
someone
and not
compared
myself
to them.
"You will never be more wrong than the first time you say 'I love you.'" - Neil Hilborn
Fourteen years
And we must know
that we are soul mates
I think it was the way your
greasy blonde teenage boy hair
dipped ever so slightly over your right eye
to the dismay of your parents
That's how I knew
How did you know?
Was it the way I manipulated
everyone I knew?
Or my willingness to request the bathroom pass
five times during geometry class
so I could text you in the stall
about how excited I was to see
a crappy concert with you
and our other friend
and our other friend's dad
next weekend?
That must have been it -
the text messages
Or was it the way I lost every friend I had
to make more space in my life
for being wildly in love with you?
Friends I would
never
get
back
Was it my sudden enthusiasm to participate in all things church
in hopes that you might do the same
and we could find a safe, neutral ground for our
being together-ness
since our parents wouldn't approve until we were sixteen
The age of maturity
Sixteen is for losers
I knew I was in love with you
at least one point seven years before that
Thinking you're in love makes you do crazy things
like manage to use church activities as a form of rebellion
like sacrifice every best friend you have in high school
like cross every boundary you read about in every Christian dating book your mom bought for you
Like spiral into an endless depression
the day you said
"It never meant anything to me"
A depression I swallowed a pill to tame
at approximately two forty three this afternoon
Like leave public school
to spend more time with your mom
when the friends you abandoned
abandoned you too
Like keep your old sweatshirts
in my closet for years
never wearing them
but never throwing them out
because they're nice sweatshirts
and they really should get some use someday
Like my mind immediately flashing to memories of
me and you
and text messages
and crappy concerts
and evangelistic puppet teams
and crying myself to sleep
for a year
when he says,
"You will never be more wrong
than the first time you say
I love you"
There's something going on that I just need to address.
Valentine's day is tomorrow, and I'm complaining about it.
I don't like Valentine's day because it reminds me that one of the most beautiful things God has ever created is going on all around me and I am not a part of it.
And that stinks.
I've been seeing a lot of Christians around me talk about how we need to be content as Christian singles. How we need to let Jesus be enough. How we need to seek nothing beyond a relationship with him. How by letting the world know that we would like to experience this wonderful romantic love thing, we are somehow communicating that Jesus is not enough for us and therefore killing our witness.
And I love Jesus. You know that.
But I would just like to say that I think all of this being content in singleness stuff is a lot of crap.
You see, God created love. He created relationship. He created marriage.
He said that it was not good for man to be alone.
Even with God right there with him, Adam needed someone else.
And God gave her to him.
Because we were created for relationship.
We were not created to do life alone.
God has bigger plans than that. And he is the creator of love, relationships, and marriage.
He wants those things for us.
And to say that we need to be content without them just creates a lot of people faking contentedness in hopes that God will see their contentment and grant them relationship.
Because that is how we're told it works, right?
Become content in singleness, and then, when you least expect it and you are so in love with Jesus that you have completely forgotten about guys, he will sweep you off your feet with the man of your dreams.
That is as much of a fairytale as any Disney movie.
It doesn't happen like that.
And I don't believe that is how God created it to happen.
I don't think being discontent with singleness or Valentine's day hurts my witness for Christ. Because it shows that I am seeking what he has created for me. And I want to be a part of that party.
Of course, if these thoughts controlled my life and caused me to be unable to focus on loving Christ and serving him, we would have a problem. But they're not. This is just real life and these are real, valid feelings.
Christians keep trying to guilt trip me into being content in my singleness.
They tell me that I need to let Jesus be enough.
They tell me that my desire for a relationship is an idol competing against Christ in me.
They've probably told it to you, too.
And I'm just not okay with it anymore.
Christ in me will always shine, whether I am single or in a relationship.
And I think Valentine's Day is a time to celebrate the beautiful gifts of love God has given us.
And I can't help but feel that as a single person, I am just missing out a bit.
I know being in a relationship or a marriage isn't for everyone. Not everyone strongly desires that. And that is okay. It's great, even. If you are content in singleness, then more power to you. But if you aren't, let that be okay, too.
I am single and I am discontent with that.
And I am not trying to fix it.
Listen to Matt Chandler, he speaks it far better than I can.
