Wednesday, December 30, 2009
Kids, Camp, and Sunny Weather: July 14, 2009
Little kids hurt too. I think sometimes we overlook that and assume that there are just the quiet, good ones, and the brats who act up. And more often than not we just figure that that's the way they are! They're just "that kind of kid." But what if we tried to figure out the reasoning behind why they are how they are? Maybe we would come to find that a lot of those outgoing ones who act up are really just lashing out out of confusion and never quite being taught what was right and wrong. Maybe they're treating people the only way they've ever been treated at home. And they just don't know a normal life. Maybe they need God just like I do. And what if that little one in the corner who just hides away has a reason for being that way? What if it goes beyond personality, all the way to something they've experienced in their young lives? What if, even at the age of 8, they are wearing a mask? They're putting on a fake. Is that what this world has become? How. Sad. What if they're trapped in these shells, too afraid to break out because they've already been hurt too much in their lives. What if they need God just like I do? ....Just a thought.
Divorce...among other thoughts: July 11, 2009
So today I was thinking about a Christian family that I know who is going through a divorce. And I was thinking about my God who is mighty to save. And it was very conflicting in my heartish area. It was like I could hear Satan whispering in my ear, "He let this happen to that family. What about that points to a God who is mighty to save? Maybe he can move the mountains, but it appears that in this case, he just chose not to. Is that the kind of God you want to trust your life with? One who, on occasion, is mighty to save?" And I know it's Satan telling me these things. And I know he's wrong and he's lying to me. But...I hesitantly say...he raises a good point. What am I supposed to do with that? Why is the world so utterly broken? Why does is all hurt so bad? Why are children starving, babies dying, parents fighting...and why am I crying? Where is my mighty Savior? I want the one who moves the mountains. The one who saves me from my fears and failures. Where is that God? Why does it feel like a neverending cycle of pain? Brokenness----
(I was cut off midsentence here by a text message from a friend. It has a few different quotes in it. I finished my journal entry by writing those down.)
"Through all our trials and fears, He will still hold us. No matter what. The times of life, we can't tell what they bring. But only You can see our true lives. You can see everything. So why aren't we honest with you, Lord? I feel so trapped among this world. So I lay my head upon Your shoulder and I rest in Your arms of love. I want to be more honest with myself. I want to raise my heart above to be covered with Your love."
"Life is difficult. This is a great truth. One of the greatest truths. It is a great truth because once we truly see this truth, we transcend it. Once we know that life is difficult-once we truly understand and accept it-then life is no longer difficult. Because once it is accepted, the fact that life is difficult no longer matters."
(I was cut off midsentence here by a text message from a friend. It has a few different quotes in it. I finished my journal entry by writing those down.)
"Through all our trials and fears, He will still hold us. No matter what. The times of life, we can't tell what they bring. But only You can see our true lives. You can see everything. So why aren't we honest with you, Lord? I feel so trapped among this world. So I lay my head upon Your shoulder and I rest in Your arms of love. I want to be more honest with myself. I want to raise my heart above to be covered with Your love."
"Life is difficult. This is a great truth. One of the greatest truths. It is a great truth because once we truly see this truth, we transcend it. Once we know that life is difficult-once we truly understand and accept it-then life is no longer difficult. Because once it is accepted, the fact that life is difficult no longer matters."
MaryBeth is... August 3, 2009
MaryBeth is beautiful, soft, lovely, Godly, glowing, joyful, passion. MaryBeth is a smile. MaryBeth is a friend. A person who will talk to you about real things. MaryBeth is an encourager. Independent. A shining star in this crooked and depraved generation. MaryBeth is bliss. MaryBeth is utterly peaceful and a bundle of joy. MaryBeth is scarred, but healing. MaryBeth is learning, overcoming, growing, and blossoming in her discovery of wisdom and knowledge. MaryBeth is able to keep on fighting and stay strong in her God. MaryBeth is hope. MaryBeth is an example. MaryBeth is desperately in love! MaryBeth is excited. MaryBeth is sweetly broken in the hands of her Savior. MaryBeth is forgiven. MaryBeth is made new. MaryBeth is nervous, but trusts God. MaryBeth wants nothing more than her Father's perfect will. MaryBeth loves her life! MaryBeth hurts for those who are hurting. MaryBeth is determined to make a change. To have an impact. MaryBeth wants to help them. MaryBeth loves her friends and family. MaryBeth is trying. MaryBeth gets off track sometimes. MaryBeth has a God who always runs after her. MaryBeth sometimes feels like chaos, but knows there is peace. MaryBeth is blessed. MaryBeth will call upon her God and keep her head held high through the storms. MaryBeth is free. MaryBeth rejoices in the truth. MaryBeth's life matters.
Tuesday, December 29, 2009
Undignification: July 8, 2009
"I will dance, I will sing to be mad for my King. Nothing, Lord, is hindering this passion in my soul. And I will become even more undignified than this. Some may say it's foolishness. But I will become even more undignified than this. Leave my pride by my side. It's all for you my Lord!"
Ah, how I love that song. It's simply amazing, convicting, and challenging. How I wish I was more like that person. More on fire to become undignified. More free in the way I express my love for my Savior. Why in the world do I hold back? It doesn't make sense to let this world restrain my love for God. It's crazy to put looking "normal" to them before what I am actually here for. Leave my pride by my side, right? Who cares what they think? I am crazy in love with my God. And I shouldn't be ashamed to show it. I should be burning up inside, crazy passionate about exploding with love for my God. I think our nation is desensitized to worship and hardcore feelings anad passion and expression of oneself. What is worship? It's not a genre of music. It's a verb. It's a character of the heart. It's a devotion. And it's a lifestyle. Worship is so much more than singing songs on Sunday morning. Worship should be undignifying in the eyes of this world. It should be crazy. They should be seriously wondering what has got me on fire like this. I want to leave my pride by my side. Not worry or care what others think of me. I am not here so that I can fit in and conform. I am here to give glory to my God. Through worship. Through my actions, attitudes, words, and thoughts. All for God. This life is so utterly temporary. Like a vapor. And the things of this world are meaningless. Like chasing after the wind. I want to live every moment of everyday in constant worship, allowing myself to become undignified and letting God break down walls and barriers. It's all for you, my Lord!
Ah, how I love that song. It's simply amazing, convicting, and challenging. How I wish I was more like that person. More on fire to become undignified. More free in the way I express my love for my Savior. Why in the world do I hold back? It doesn't make sense to let this world restrain my love for God. It's crazy to put looking "normal" to them before what I am actually here for. Leave my pride by my side, right? Who cares what they think? I am crazy in love with my God. And I shouldn't be ashamed to show it. I should be burning up inside, crazy passionate about exploding with love for my God. I think our nation is desensitized to worship and hardcore feelings anad passion and expression of oneself. What is worship? It's not a genre of music. It's a verb. It's a character of the heart. It's a devotion. And it's a lifestyle. Worship is so much more than singing songs on Sunday morning. Worship should be undignifying in the eyes of this world. It should be crazy. They should be seriously wondering what has got me on fire like this. I want to leave my pride by my side. Not worry or care what others think of me. I am not here so that I can fit in and conform. I am here to give glory to my God. Through worship. Through my actions, attitudes, words, and thoughts. All for God. This life is so utterly temporary. Like a vapor. And the things of this world are meaningless. Like chasing after the wind. I want to live every moment of everyday in constant worship, allowing myself to become undignified and letting God break down walls and barriers. It's all for you, my Lord!
Fear: July 7, 2009
Life is scary. There is no doubt about that. Sometimes I just live in serious fear of what could possibly be ahead. I get really nervous that something isn't going to go as smoothly as I would like for it to. I'm afraid that I am going to make a wrong choice or that I am going to head completely down the wrong path, and I'm not gonna even realize it. I'm afraid that I'm gonna get my heart broken. That I'm going to let my guard down and get severely hurt. I'm afriad that I'm gonna become a heart-breaker. And that I'm gonna lose all of my friends. And that I'm gonna be completely lost, turning everyone away. Being a terrible witness and being the opposite of what You called me here to be. I'm afraid I'm being too much of a jerk in my life. I'm afraid some of my family and friends are never going to find You. I'm afraid I'm going to be lonely homeschooling and I'm going to feel like I'm failing my calling to share the Good News. I'm afraid of losing the people who are dear to me. I'm afraid of the people I love just completely screwing their lives up and never coming back. I'm afraid I'm gonna fall away from You and Satan is going to take me captive and I'll never realize well enough to fight my way back. I'm afraid I'm not going to stay as close to God as I know I need to be and I want to be. Fear is a powerful thing. But I cannot let it take me captive. Fear is not who I am. And I will not be ruled by it. ....So what does God have to say?
*Psalm 4:8 "I will lie down and sleep in peace, for You alone, O Lord, make me dwell in safety."
*Psalm 23:4 "Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil. For you are with me. Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me."
*Isaiah 35:4 "Be strong, do not fear; your God will come with vengeance; with divine retribution He will come to save you."
*2 Timothy 1:7 "For God did not give us a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of power, of love, and of self-discipline."
*Hebrews 13:6 "So we say with confidence, 'The Lord is my helper, I will not be afraid. What can man do to me?"
*Psalm 4:8 "I will lie down and sleep in peace, for You alone, O Lord, make me dwell in safety."
*Psalm 23:4 "Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil. For you are with me. Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me."
*Isaiah 35:4 "Be strong, do not fear; your God will come with vengeance; with divine retribution He will come to save you."
*2 Timothy 1:7 "For God did not give us a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of power, of love, and of self-discipline."
*Hebrews 13:6 "So we say with confidence, 'The Lord is my helper, I will not be afraid. What can man do to me?"
Beauty Overwhelming: July 6, 2009
Wow. This world is so beautiful. So awesome. It's incredible to watch your people working. I like to bask in the rain. And also to soak up the rays of sun. I like to watch the birds and the squirrels and the rabbits. To smell the flowers. Oh! And to watch the bees at work. I like to gaze at a breathtaking sunset or a harvest moon or a sky full of stars. I like run through tall grass - embrace freedom. Creation. Is. Breathtaking. You know what else I like? People. Watching people is lovely. Seeing smiles, hearing laughter, feeling heartbeats. Singing voices. Talents. Stories of the heart. Beauty. You have created us in your own image. And that is beautiful. And I've learned that sometimes one of the most beautiful things in this world is brokenness. Don't you think? I think maybe I was created to live in brokenness and passion and seeking and devotion. I think being broken in Heavenly hands is the most beautiful thing of all. Life is beautiful. But so is death. Speaking up is beautiful. But so is silence. Confidence is beautiful. But so is meekness. Trust is beautiful. But so is concern. It's so cool how it works out that way. How beauty can be discovered in everything. Even brokenness. I love that about life. Embracing brokenness is captivating. And this world is beautiful!
Tired of It: July 6, 2009
I feel close but distant. Does that make sense? Like I am so in love with You and I know You and want to follow You and please You. And I am in deep thought a lot thinking about You. But then I feel distant like that one on one time we usually have is lacking and I'm a bit starved of Your Word. And I feel confused a lot. Like I'm not really sure which direction to go. And then sometimes I just feel like a jerk. Like...there is absolutely nothing about me today that speaks of Your love. And then a lot of times I get really frustrated. Because the world is throwing so many thoughts and ideas at me, telling me what is right and what is wrong. Even when it comes to my faith, thre are so many debates. And it makes me feel unwise that I don't know how to sift through it and hold onto what is actually right. It all overwhelms me at times. You know what else? I'm tired of living amongst such brokenness. I'm just tired of it! I feel worthless because I am not fixing any of it. And there are still babies being killed and children starving and innocence being stolen and lives being shattered. There is still suffering no matter how passionate I am about changing it. It's still happening! And it makes me want to cry. Can't it all just go away? I'm tired of dealing with it. It breaks me down. Hardcore. You know what else? I'm tired of being surrounded by jerks all the time. I'm tired of people telling me I'm not good enough. I'm tired of people rejecting a life that has already been paid for by death on a cross! I'm tired of living in a world that is going in the completely wrong direction. Each day is a constant battle to hang on. To not fall into the arms of the world. To not give in or be misguided and fall flat on my face. I feel like I'm on a one inch wide balance beam a thousand feet in the air in the middle of a hurricane fighting for my life with everything I have in me. Everyday. It's exhausting to say the least. You know what else I'm tired of? Broken relationships. People bailing on me and leaving me with noting but deep wounds. I'm tired of everyone I ever trusted becoming an idiot and completely letting me down. And walking away from You. The world, I expect to fail me. But Christians? The ones I look up to. The ones I hold dear to my heart and share my story with. I never expected them to walk away too. It frustrates me so much. I'm tired of being wounded and broken. And I'm tired of being afraid to trust. And I'm tired of having to make hard decisions and wondering if I'm failing at all of them. I'm tired of Satan. Oh, man, am I tired of Satan. He. Ruins. Everything. I'm tired of being tempted. I don't want to be afraid. And Satan puts fear in my life. Also, I'm tired of the details. All of the distractions that draw my eyes from you. Even if only for a moment. I'm tired of this world. It pains me to look at it everyday.
The Blog I Never Had
Last night I found myself turning off the lights at 2:30 a.m. and finally snuggling into bed. Apparently at some point in the evening I had decided to pick up one of my old journals, and after that I couldn't put them down. I just kept reading and reading. Journal after journal. I was kind of in awe. I guess I started journaling regularly 2 to 3 years ago. I did a whole lot last year during a really rocky time in my life. And as I was reading these entries, I was simply taken aback by God's faithfulness. So many of those writings were so dark and dreary. I was simply a different person. They were pleading with God. Begging him for peace and to make the pain go away. I look at some of my prayer requests, the ones I prayed over and over and over, and I realize that so many of the things that I constantly worried over a year ago I barely ever think about now. It really put my life into perspective. I am growing. God is working in my life like crazy. I'm so...happy now. I had times and moments of happiness and joy before. But now...joy defines my life. And it is so cool. Because God did that. While looking at the dark moments of years past....I also discovered some hardcore deep thoughts that I wrote about. I had some really good thoughts going on. I don't feel the same way as I used to when I wrote some of these things. I don't struggle so much with the same things. But I did have some great thoughts during my times of pain. And I really wanted to share some of these with you. So I'm going to take a blog trip to the past. And I'm going to post a series of entries that were written a long time ago. I will put the correct dates with them. And I hope you enjoy. And the cool thing is...the entries that I am going to post are actually only from earlier this year. I have changed so much so quickly. I had almost forgotten that old girl existed. God has worked some wonders in my life. These aren't the prettiest thoughts. Some of them were written out of pain and desperation. But they are seriously human thoughts. This is real life. Maybe God has something to teach you through my pain from years past. I know I learned a lot just by rereading them. So, my dear friend, welcome to my journal.
Christ's Pure Bride (The Wedding Day)
Her gown shimmers and shines
as she waits for this man
Her veil laced with silver
and a ring on her hand
She's elated and anxious
Her face says it all
Her groom is approaching
Her name he does call
"My Bride, My Lover,
Soon rest in my embrace
I shall behold your beauty
and gaze upon that gorgeous face"
This bride has waited a lifetime
For her perfect, unmarred husband
Rejoice, the day has come
and oh, how she loves Him!
The Bridegroom has returned!
He's reaching out his hand
"Please, dance with me, Beloved
We've eternity to spend."
as she waits for this man
Her veil laced with silver
and a ring on her hand
She's elated and anxious
Her face says it all
Her groom is approaching
Her name he does call
"My Bride, My Lover,
Soon rest in my embrace
I shall behold your beauty
and gaze upon that gorgeous face"
This bride has waited a lifetime
For her perfect, unmarred husband
Rejoice, the day has come
and oh, how she loves Him!
The Bridegroom has returned!
He's reaching out his hand
"Please, dance with me, Beloved
We've eternity to spend."
The Breakthrough
Weary, desperate, searching daughter
I beesech you, turn to me
Your heart's been shattered viciously
Now fall down on your knees
It's time to give up
Time to kiss goodbye
This life you cling to
Is destined to die
Surrender your dreams
And give me your plans
You must release dominion
Place your life in my hands
Leave your past behind
Now take up your cross
Behold my bleeding son
And you are no longer lost
Your sins are no more
Dear child of mine
Alas, a life reborn
A light for all mankind
Now be strong and courageous
You must not be ashamed
Seek me passionately
Fix your gaze on My name
This life will be a roller coaster
There are ups, there are downs
But one thing is solid
I am always around
I beesech you, turn to me
Your heart's been shattered viciously
Now fall down on your knees
It's time to give up
Time to kiss goodbye
This life you cling to
Is destined to die
Surrender your dreams
And give me your plans
You must release dominion
Place your life in my hands
Leave your past behind
Now take up your cross
Behold my bleeding son
And you are no longer lost
Your sins are no more
Dear child of mine
Alas, a life reborn
A light for all mankind
Now be strong and courageous
You must not be ashamed
Seek me passionately
Fix your gaze on My name
This life will be a roller coaster
There are ups, there are downs
But one thing is solid
I am always around
Sunday, December 20, 2009
Reflections from the Vineyard
Redemption Story
Come to Jesus, Dear Child.
Please,
Come to Him.
You are lost.
You are needy.
You are tossed
On your knees.
You are broken.
You are bleeding.
He has spoken.
Payed the fees
For your sins;
For humanity.
Let him lend
You a hand.
God is Savior.
Christ is Lord.
He is peace.
You can stand!
Heart's Desire
God of wonder.
God of grace.
Watch me fall upon my face.
For Your glory,
Yes, Your beauty,
It is more than I can take.
You are comfort.
You are healing.
You are lover, Father, friend.
And in You I find my refuge.
Please consume me 'til the end.
Come to Jesus, Dear Child.
Please,
Come to Him.
You are lost.
You are needy.
You are tossed
On your knees.
You are broken.
You are bleeding.
He has spoken.
Payed the fees
For your sins;
For humanity.
Let him lend
You a hand.
God is Savior.
Christ is Lord.
He is peace.
You can stand!
Heart's Desire
God of wonder.
God of grace.
Watch me fall upon my face.
For Your glory,
Yes, Your beauty,
It is more than I can take.
You are comfort.
You are healing.
You are lover, Father, friend.
And in You I find my refuge.
Please consume me 'til the end.
Thursday, December 17, 2009
Deep Thoughts
Have you ever realized how ridiculously bazaar and corny the names of off-brand cereals are? It's likely that you haven't. I wouldn't if I didn't work at this grocery store. But I do. So I spend a lot of time staring at boxes of cereal. And today I was staring at the cereal thinking....who comes up with these names? They are 100% silly. They made me laugh out loud. Really...silly cereal. Let me give you some examples. Honey Nut Tasteeo's. Co O'Crunch. Apple Dapples. Fruit Crunch O'Bunch. Nutty Nuggets. Cinni Mini Crunch. See. I told you they were silly. I mean, really. Apple Dapples?
Thoughts on Humility: Christmas Special
Last night, I was greatly humbled. God had a lesson to teach me, and he was not passive about it. Yesterday evening was the evening of my employee christmas party for the grocery store that I work at. I was slightly looking forward to this time, mostly because I had heard that there would be some good prizes there. We ate food, socialized, played games, and had a door prize drawing. Now there is something about me that you should know.
I.
Like.
Gifts.
When I got to the party I made my way over to the prize table to check out what I could be going home with. Bath and Body Works Gift Basket. GPS System. DVD's. MP3 Player. It was a pretty impressive selection. And chances were I would be going home with something that at least made those 2 and a half hours with my co-workers almost worth it. Now it's not that I don't like my co-workers. I do. They're fun people. I get along with them. We keep each other company while we're working. And I'm with them almost everyday. But the thing is...it is very difficult to spend 2 and a half hours socializing with people who do not share any of the same morals or beliefs as you. It's just uncomfortable and hard. So I did my best. And I tried to have a good time. But mostly I was just looking forward to getting my door prize at the end and then leaving. I had my eye on one specific prize. A Digital Photo Frame.
Before the drawing, we played team games. The winners got cash. ....We lost. There was a ticket in one of the candy bars for a big prize. ....not me. We guessed to see how many m&m's were in the jar. ...I was 300 off. But that's ok. Ya know, I'll get a door prize. I'll go home with something. So they start calling out numbers for the prizes. Number 791....Bath and Body Works! Number 826....Tool Set! Number 832....DvD's! I am number 824. And every prize that goes by that isn't the photo frame is getting me one step closer to having it in my hands.
I am excited about this drawing. I am loud. I am boisterous. I let the whole rom know that I am after that frame. They probably think that I am some sort of materialism freak. But I don't care about anyone else. All I care about is getting that prize.
So the frame is the 2nd to last item given out. And I was pretty much positive that I was going to get it. They drew the number. And read it. ....799. Sigh. That sucks. So I turn to see who got it. You know...I think God has quite the sense of humor. I also think that he chose this person to get the prize that I was after for a reason. It really pushed me to a state of humility. The winner of the photo frame? My ex-boyfriend. Ouch! Slap in the face. I was one of probably 5 people who didn't get a door prize last night. It was a sucky party. I wanted a prize! I came in there wanting a prize. All I thought about was that prize. And I believe that that is exactly why I walked out of that party empty handed. I didn't have my focus right.
It wasn't until I got home that I realized God was trying to teach me with this. It's Christmas time and it is so easy to get sucked into the materialism and the spirit of greed. That's what this world wants us to do. That is what Christmas is made into. A commercial fest. I'm glad I learned this lesson early this year. Christmas isn't about me. And it isn't about you. It's about the King of the world being born to a virgin in a smelly, dirty, stable. It's about the Creator becoming man. How awesome. How powerful! How BIG. And guess what? I'm totally not gonna need that photo frame when I'm in heaven.
Thank you, God, for humbling me tonight.
I.
Like.
Gifts.
When I got to the party I made my way over to the prize table to check out what I could be going home with. Bath and Body Works Gift Basket. GPS System. DVD's. MP3 Player. It was a pretty impressive selection. And chances were I would be going home with something that at least made those 2 and a half hours with my co-workers almost worth it. Now it's not that I don't like my co-workers. I do. They're fun people. I get along with them. We keep each other company while we're working. And I'm with them almost everyday. But the thing is...it is very difficult to spend 2 and a half hours socializing with people who do not share any of the same morals or beliefs as you. It's just uncomfortable and hard. So I did my best. And I tried to have a good time. But mostly I was just looking forward to getting my door prize at the end and then leaving. I had my eye on one specific prize. A Digital Photo Frame.
Before the drawing, we played team games. The winners got cash. ....We lost. There was a ticket in one of the candy bars for a big prize. ....not me. We guessed to see how many m&m's were in the jar. ...I was 300 off. But that's ok. Ya know, I'll get a door prize. I'll go home with something. So they start calling out numbers for the prizes. Number 791....Bath and Body Works! Number 826....Tool Set! Number 832....DvD's! I am number 824. And every prize that goes by that isn't the photo frame is getting me one step closer to having it in my hands.
I am excited about this drawing. I am loud. I am boisterous. I let the whole rom know that I am after that frame. They probably think that I am some sort of materialism freak. But I don't care about anyone else. All I care about is getting that prize.
So the frame is the 2nd to last item given out. And I was pretty much positive that I was going to get it. They drew the number. And read it. ....799. Sigh. That sucks. So I turn to see who got it. You know...I think God has quite the sense of humor. I also think that he chose this person to get the prize that I was after for a reason. It really pushed me to a state of humility. The winner of the photo frame? My ex-boyfriend. Ouch! Slap in the face. I was one of probably 5 people who didn't get a door prize last night. It was a sucky party. I wanted a prize! I came in there wanting a prize. All I thought about was that prize. And I believe that that is exactly why I walked out of that party empty handed. I didn't have my focus right.
It wasn't until I got home that I realized God was trying to teach me with this. It's Christmas time and it is so easy to get sucked into the materialism and the spirit of greed. That's what this world wants us to do. That is what Christmas is made into. A commercial fest. I'm glad I learned this lesson early this year. Christmas isn't about me. And it isn't about you. It's about the King of the world being born to a virgin in a smelly, dirty, stable. It's about the Creator becoming man. How awesome. How powerful! How BIG. And guess what? I'm totally not gonna need that photo frame when I'm in heaven.
Thank you, God, for humbling me tonight.
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