I feel as though I'm starting to love Sundays again. I do believe this is a wonderful feeling.

Despite the Circumstances

I turned this paper in today for my composition class. I thought you might enjoy reading it, too. The assignment was to write a definition essay defining an abstract concept.


How cliché would it be if I wrote an essay defining joy? How utterly sappy and dull might an essay about joy turn out to be? It is a commonly known word, and I would venture to guess that most everyone is familiar with the concept. But, I have something new to say. A fresh perspective is being brought to the table. Why do we need a new description of joy? Well, quite frankly, most of our world has no idea what true joy is. We get it mixed up with happiness and fun and gladness and ordinary things such as those. We live in a messed-up world, and with this messed-up world comes a flawed definition of so many concepts. Society today completely fails at knowing what joy really is. Our main fault is this: We only find or feel joy when things are going well. This is not what joy is at all. Joy surpasses the circumstances. Despite widely accepted beliefs, joy is a state of being that is constant, freeing, and powerful -- never wavering as a result of a bad day.


I tried to think of some ways we use the word joy in everyday life. I searched my mind for little phrases we often throw out there that might include that word. I would use these as examples of what the world thinks joy is. But, I could not come up with any. We do not really use it that much. We know about it and think about it and assume we possess it. When it comes down to it, this simple word is not a common part of our everyday language. How often does one proclaim, “Oh, I feel joyous today,” or when asked how he is feeling, reply with, “I’m quite joyful -- and you?” Instead, one might say, “I am doing well,” or “I’m good.” or even “fine.” We do not use words like joyous or exuberant or splendid to describe ourselves. Perhaps this is because we never truly do feel joyous. Perhaps this three letter word is a lost concept to the human race. Perhaps joy does not genuinely exist at all.

There is an answer to all of these mind-wrenching thoughts. Joy does exist. But, it is rare. When I was storming my brain for examples of uses of the word, it was clear that the only place I really hear it spoken and talked about in my life is in the church and with the Body of Christ. Consider the popular song which exclaims, “I’ve got the joy, joy, joy, joy down in my heart.” Also, a well-known scripture defines the Fruit of the Spirit as “love, joy, peace, patience…”

There are sermons given and Sunday school lessons taught on the concept of joy. It is flowing all throughout the church. Christians seek joy. They seek to understand it and learn about it and possess it. Maybe I sound a bit preachy. Maybe this is turning into a dull, sappy essay about joy. But, the thing is, this is what matters: True joy comes from Christ.

“Joy is not the absence of suffering. It is the presence of God.” --Robert Schuller

What more is there to say? I could speak of the reason for our joy. I could tell of Jesus’ death on the cross and his sacrifice for humanity. I could tell of his resurrection and of the jubilee that consumes those who give their lives to him. But, to describe these marvelous topics would take several more essays in themselves. So, I must stick to the topic of joy. We have joy because Christ loves us. We have joy because our lives have a purpose. We have joy because we are forgiven for our sins, made clean and new, given a second chance, and sent on a mission to further the Kingdom of God. Joy is not happiness. It is not gladness and fun. Joy is an ever-constant state of the heart. I have joy on the best of days and the worst of days. Joy is related to peace in that way. It consumes one’s being and sets him free from burdens and anxiety. A popsicle on a hot summer day makes me happy. A life full of meaning and the promise of eternity with Christ gives me joy.

As I said, the world has a skewed view of the concept of joy. It would seem that most of the world does not even acknowledge the word. It is often thrown out of the common vocabulary because it seems so hard and sometimes impossible to achieve. This is true, if one does not have Christ. It is impossible to have a life full of true, complete joy without the Lordship of Jesus Christ. One can be happy. He can be glad and his days can be going well. But, the true test of joy comes when the sun stops shining and everything starts falling apart. It is then that we can either wallow in our sufferings or claim our joy and overcome our circumstances. When taking a hard look at the world we live in, does it not seem as if we could all use a little more joy?

I am the Moon

I often find myself pondering
Your precious glory and your fame
I can't help but be in awe
Oh Yahweh, my perfect King

I heard a song the other day
Which stirred within me thoughts from above
See, I finally realized
That you are the sun

You are the light that keeps me alive
You are what warms me on the inside
You are huge, you are power
You illuminate the earth
And I'm certain without you I would never survive

So with that thought I continued
And discovered very soon
That if you are the sun
I could only be the moon

Without you I am a cold, dark, useless rock
But when I turn my face to you, my purpose is unlocked
I can only shine if I radiate your glow
Is it not clear? I have no light of my own

And with those few simple words, it all starts to make sense
You are the source I was created to reflect

Alone I am nothing, no matter how hard I try
But when I gaze your direction, I can light up a sky

Through you I have victory
Now I know that I've won
For I am the moon
And you, Lord, are the sun.

November Thoughts

I've had this deep desire to write lately.
Yet when I sit down with my pen...or my fingers on the keys...nothing comes.
I feel stuck.
Like writing is something built into me.
Something beautiful.
But I can't do it.
It feels sad.

Writing is my release.
Writing is my remedy.
Writing is my freedom.

I feel like I'm changing.
But I'm not really sure how.
At all.

I know I like different things.
Old things, and dirty things.
I find beauty in the unusual.

I know I feel different things.
Like passion for crunchy leaves.
And the desire to touch the hearts of Jr. High girls.
My heart is forming. Or perhaps it's growing.

I know I'm getting excited about college.
Even though I haven't made solid deicisons about where I'm going.
My hearts jumps at the idea of being on my own.
And expressing myself in new and crazy ways.

I know I've been making new friends.
My heart is drawn to different people.
And I want to make more.

I want to know you -- whoever you are.
I want to go for a walk with you through the crunchy leaves.
I want to make you hot chocolate and sit on my bed and let words flow from our mouths.
I want to share with you what God has been doing in my life.
And I want to spread my fire for Jesus.

I want to know about your life.
The things that make you hurt.
And the things that make you giggle.
The things that really make your day.
And the ways in which your day can be ruined in an instant.
I want to know what Jesus is doing in YOUR life.
I want to stay up all night getting to know you.

I'm changing.
I can't quite pinpoint how.
But I think it's good.
Perhaps it is just part of this growing up thing.

To a Beloved Friend

My Dear Pastor Al,

I want you to know something. I want you to know that you changed my life. It is not often that one person dramatically impacts the life of another. But, this is what you did. Not only did you change my life, you changed the lives of almost every person in that church. You were so much more than just a pastor. You were a mentor. You were a friend. You were an encourager, a leader, a helper, and so much more. Oh, Pastor Al, you made me want to be a better person. Because of you, I am a better person.

Did you even know how much you impacted me? I know I didn’t express it much. But, you made me smile. The way you carried yourself -- so happily -- made me want to be happy too. The way you got down to the level of all the kids and became a friend to them made me want to be a friend too. You weren’t threatening or intimidating as some church leaders tend to be. You were hands down the most gentle, caring, loving, encouraging, realistic, selfless person I have ever known. Yet in all of this, you took no pride. Life was never about you. I know God was well pleased with the way you followed his greatest commandments, to love the Lord your God with all your heart, soul, mind, and strength and to love your neighbor as yourself. I’m not sure I’ve ever seen anyone follow those commands so whole-heartedly.

You radiated Jesus wherever you were. Alan Somers, you made me want to know God more. Because of you, a passion was stirred within me to seek God with everything I had. I knew if someone like you existed, it had to be because a perfect God created you. My dad used to say, “That man will preach until the day he dies.” He was right. Your passion was for God and sharing his Word. I remember when you would sit on a stool, with your weak voice, pale body, and vibrant spirit, doing the thing you devoted your life to. Even when your hair was gone and your face was thin, you showed up at that church on Sunday mornings. You are an inspiration. Part of me cannot understand how you handled the disease that took your life with such high spirits. How did you keep that beautiful smile on your face? How did you continue to love and not be bitter? But, when I find myself asking these questions, I am soon able to answer them myself. Your life was saturated with Christ. He filled every crevice of your being. Because of nail-scarred hands and an empty tomb, you were able to live with zeal until the day you went to be with your Savior forever.

I wish I had known you more than I did. I wish I had spent more time with you and appreciated you more when you were still here. But, life is not about regrets. You changed my life just by existing in it. I continue to reflect on the amazing man you were and smile. I still use words that you said as encouragement and hope to get me through the rocky roads of life. I know you weren’t perfect. But, you radiated with One who is. I never got a chance to tell you. So, now I think I will. Thank you. Thank you for the incredible man you were. Thank you for following Christ’s calling in your life. Thank you for loving through your words, your actions, and your attitude. Thank you for being there until the very end. Thank you for impacting me and everyone else who knew you. I can’t wait to walk with you on the streets of gold.

With Love,

MaryBeth Lillian

I'm supposed to write a poem for composition class.
I write a lot of poetry.
It comes very natural to me.
 Except when I'm assigned to do it.
...sigh

Thou in me dwelling and I with Thee one.

The Power of Words

It's kind of been an ongoing joke in my family that I'm a terrible singer. And I definitely was bad when I was younger. But the thing is...it was funny for a while. Now it just makes me want to work harder at singing well. So I do. I love music so much. I desire to be able to sing anywhere at any time and not have to think...ugh...I know I'm a terrible singer, I shouldn't be singing in front of these people. Ah. But I love singing. I love singing loudly. I love worshipping with everything I have in me. So I do. Even though I may not have a great voice, I sing with all I've got.
Here's where the power of words comes in: This morning at church we were singing worship songs. After the first song, the man that was standing in front of me turned around and said, "You have a beautiful singing voice. I could hear you singing behind me." Whoa. See the thing is, he has no idea how much that meant to me. His words were such a blessing to me this morning. I don't even know this man very well. I know of him. But we're not buddies. He had no obligation to compliment my singing. But he did. And that was how he showed me love this morning. So, Mark, if you're reading this, thank you. Thank you for saying just a few words that made my day.
The power of words: you never know when a word of encouragement is exactly what someone needs.

Dear Blog Reader,

I just want you to know that everything is awesome. I'm so on fire for God. He's moving. It's crazy. It's awesome. I love it. I love him.I love YOU.

....yeah. I just wanted you to know that.

A Care in the World

I went to the park this evening -- the one that has a little stage in the middle of it. I wanted some alone time to listen to an audiobook. [Cast of Characters by Max Lucado] I love that little stage. We're pretty much besties by now.
So I was laying flat on the stage, relaxing, with headphones in my ears. And something happened. Something that I would have normally just shrugged off. But something about it stuck with me for some reason. So now I'm gonna share it with you.
Note: I am laying flat on my stomach in the middle of the stage. Try to picture me.
So I'm listening to my book and I think I hear what might be a faint voice in the background. I sit up, look around, and note a middle-aged woman shouting at me. So I take my headphones out and say..."what?"
"Are you alright!" she asked.
"Yeah, I'm fine" I replied.
"Oh-good. I just saw you laying there and I wasn't sure if you were breathing or anything. I wanted to make sure you were okay."
So I explained to her what I was doing and thanked her. She smiled and went on her way.

Yeah -- not a great story -- I know. But for some reason that woman had an impact on me. Because it made me think, what if I had been hurt? What if I had needed help? What if I had passed out? Or even...what if I was having a terrible day and was just laying there crying, waiting for someone to care.
I was fine today. There was nothing wrong. But that woman double checked anyway. She cared about me -- a complete stranger.
What if next time I'm not okay? What if something is terribly wrong? I hope that woman would walk by. And if not, I hope someone else would take her place. I hope someone would give a care in the world about the well-being of a complete stranger.
This woman's actions convicted me. Would I have done the same thing if I had seen someone and had even the slightest question that they might need help?
I would hope so.
Yes, I would definitely hope so.

The Battle for Me

Sometimes I want to conquer it on my own.

I want to be the David with a sling and stone.

I want to fight my own battles.

I want to conquer the obstacles.

I want to breakdown walls and barriers.

I want to stand in my own strength.

I want to achieve victory!

And I want all the credit.

I want to overcome the struggles.

Fight off the emotions and trials.

I want to find peace and joy.

And I want to do it on my own.

My life is mine.

I want to fight for myself.

"MaryBeth, you can't do it alone. Let me help you."

Love,

Your Fortress

My Heart is Heavy and Light

I need to write a poem

of confusion

and of hope

I need to pour my heart into

this paper-

helps me cope

I surrender again and again

I put it in His hands

Yet everytime I turn around

I'm carrying burdens

It's me who picks them up again

Oh, this life seems like a trap

See-I'm holding onto all this junk

I have to give it back

Why do I think I know the answers

What makes me think I have a chance

When all of my plans continue to fail

Look at Yours, Lord, they always prevail

My heart is heavy

I'm nervous and lost

I need to find confidence

Outside of my box

Even though I've been told

That's this is alright

I know to test all things

Because my life is a fight

I live on a battle field

Between darkness and light

I'll take up my armour

And do what is right

Life is crazy most always

It might feel like I'm dead

But this moment will soon pass

My best days are ahead

You see, I'm not a great poet

I can't figure out how to rhyme

All I can be is honest

These words are deep

And they are mine

Inspired by Jessie

Dear Hurting Heart,
You need to know that there is hope. No matter how ridiculously far you have run from God, it's not too far to turn around. It's not too late to run the opposite way.

You are not alone. This is not the end of your story. Your life MATTERS.

I want to tell you something. Something very important.

Jesus. Died. For. You.

Because he wants you to be free. You don't have to run from him. You don't have to carry burdens and guilt and shame. You don't have to cry so much. You can be happy. You can find real joy. You can be free.

He wants you. He's in love with you. Like seriously. Hardcore. Passionate. IN. LOVE.
So much that he died a bloody, brutal death so that you could live.
Yes, dear heart, it was all for you.

Please stop running. You'll only run straight to death.
It's not too late to turn around.

He's not mad at you. And he's not upset. He won't condemn you if you turn to him.

You. Are. So. Beautiful.
You are lovely. And you are loved.
Don't be satisfied with this life of running away.
Don't be satisfied with these burdens and grief and pains.
Don't be satisfied with life without the One that matters.

There is only one reason for your life here. It is God.

Turn around.
Run to him.
His arms are outstretched.
He wants to hold you.
Do it now.

i love my life.