Truths

“Take a long, hard look. See how great he is—infinite,
    greater than anything you could ever imagine or figure out!"
    -Job 36:26


Jesus, you're the one who saves us,
constantly creates us into something new.
You make beautiful things out of the dust.
You have plans for me.
You make me new.
You are jealous for me.
I am forgiven and loved.
You save me.
You rescue me from the dominion of darkness.
You are my King.
You are my constant.
You are my only hope.
You are my joy.
You make all things work together for my good.
You care for me.
You are the only thing that is true.
You love me.
You died for me.
You don't see sin when you look at me.
You see beauty.
I am beautiful.
You are faithful.
You will not forsake me.
You will never give up on me.
I am worthy in your eyes.
You know my future.
I am yours.
You are good when there's nothing good in me.
You are perfect.
You want me.
You give me purpose.
You direct my paths.
You are life.
Without you I am nothing.
You are the light shining in my darkness.
You hear my every cry.
You never leave my side.
You bring me up from a desolate pit.
You deliver me.
In you, I am whole.
You teach me.
You counsel me.
You carry me on your back.
You always provide me with a way out.
You are able.
You see the depths of my heart and you love me the same!
Your grace knows no bounds.
Your mercies are new every morning.
You change hearts.
You change lives.
You have removed my sin as far as the east is from the west.
You remain when all else fades.
You never fail.
You do not keep a record of wrongs.
You are peace when I am shaken.
You are eternal.
You make me eternal.
You are safe.
You protect me.
Through you I have victory.
You promise to love me forever.
And you keep your promises.

A Mess

At some point, I thought I had it all figured out.

College, that is. 

And the things I thought God wanted me there for

were organizations and meetings

and busy lifestyles

and Bible studies.

And sometimes

God likes to let you know

that you don't know anything

about anything,

and the things He sent you to college for

were actually

classes and learning

and loving and enjoying. 

Next semester is going to be really messy.

I am really messy.

And I wouldn't want it any other way. 

Quitting

I'm quitting most of the things I was doing last semester.

And it's all going to be really different now.

In his article Ten Ways to Live an Extraordinary Life,
Bob Goff explains,

"Every Thursday, I quit something." 

"The idea is . . .  to give yourself room to grow and to give God room to work. The patterns of life can weigh down and hold back. Quitting things forces you forward to explore new opportunities, to try things you wouldn’t have time for otherwise and to fill your life with things that are fresh, different and dangerous." 

A few months ago, my friend Meghan and I talked about quitting something every Thursday, just like him. The first week we were going to stop having unnecessary, dramatic conversations about guys. 

After that, I can't recall. 

Needless to say, we never successfully quit anything.

And our motivation didn't continue past the first couple of days. 

I've been thinking about Bob Goff ever since, though. 

Actually, I received his new book, Love Does, for Christmas,
and it's been challenging me a lot. 

So, between Mr. Goff's
enthusiasm for Jesus and quitting things, 

and God's gentle nudging

and blatant direction,

I've come to the conclusion

that I should quit. 

The every Thursday thing didn't seem to work out too well for me. 

And now, I haven't quite the time to take this in slow motion.

I believe what God is asking me to do is dramatic and life-changing. 

So I'm quitting everything at once. 

Today I sent out emails to four people informing them of my decision 

and how they were going to need to find someone else to fill my role

in that particular organization. 

Last week, I sat down and met with six godly women

and explained to them where my heart was

and where I thought God was directing me.

Between my parent's wisdom and talking to

a handful of other Jesus-loving individuals,

I'm ready to finally let go. 

I'm not going to go into detail to tell you
all of the things I will be

eliminating from my life.

To be completely honest, 

I've not quite determined it all yet.

But it's coming. 

And it will be a process.

Instead, here are some of the reasons 

I am quitting;

to learn to love my classes

to start running again

to get enough sleep

to meet women for coffee

and talk of life and love and God

to keep my scholarship

to personally invest in people's lives

to spend more time loving my roommates

to maintain healthy relationships

to save money

to learn to rest
to surrender to God,
even when it doesn't seem to make sense

to learn more and teach less

to figure out what humility looks like

to join a group fitness class

to fall in love with highschoolers

to drink more hot tea

to really sit down and get to know people

to focus my heart on Jesus Christ

to grow as a person

to see that God can do this without my help

to meet new people

to enjoy the life I'm living

to spend time doing the things I love

to read more books

to watch others succeed as leaders

to figure out how to love more purely

"[Jesus is] asking us, 

Will you take what you think defines you,

leave it behind, 

and let Me define who you are instead?"
--Bob Goff, Love Does

So here's to the semester ahead.

May God be glorified through
all of the crazy decisions I'm making. 

A Conference in Review

I spent the days between
Christmas and New Years
in a way-too-fancy hotel
with 2,000
Jesus-loving
college students,
listening, learning, writing, meeting, singing,
dancing, crying, praying, talking, sharing.

It's in places like these
that I think a glimpse of Heaven can be found,
and a blanket of love and joy
is covering all humanity present.

Praising God for blessing me with these amazing ladies at the conference.

Here are some of the words I was challenged with
at that beloved conference.

It is a great tragedy that people who claim to be reconciled to God through his Son, Jesus Christ, can't come together.

Never ever ever confuse the gospel with religion.
Religion says, because I do, I am accepted. 
The gospel says, I am accepted, therefore I do.

The way that you know you're saved is one word: Fruit --a changed and changing heart.

I am not all the way where I should be. But, I am not all the way where I once was. 

Most of us in this room don't need more information. We need to be inspired. We need to be challenged. We need to be transformed.

You don't need to join staff or work for a non-profit organization or go to seminary in order to make a difference for the Kingdom of God.

There are over 2,350 verses in the Bible that talk about God's heart for the orphan, the alien, the widow, and the poor.

Most of us are just as greedy in here as the world out there. 
How much is enough?

Most rejections of the gospel aren't rooted in intellectual issues, they're rooted in emotional issues.

There's an unbreakable, organic connection between the fruit of the tree and the roots of the tree -- between your words/behavior and your heart. I'm convinced that the way we try to deal with our problems is nothing more than fruit-nailing. All problems are heart problems. This problem is the heart.

You don't actually want to face that the biggest dangers in life exist inside of you and not outside of you. 
You can't run from your biggest problem, because you can't run from you.

Lasting change in a person's life always travels through the pathway of the heart.

I was meant to live for things vastly bigger than myself.

It will never be about you, because you were born into a world that by its very nature exists to celebrate another. It will never be your party.

We're trapped in a fundamental me-ism that is in itself draining.

Jesus came to do what you are unable to do. He came to break your bondage to you. 

A relationship is a mess worth making

Jesus didn't come to make your little kingdom work -- it will never work -- but to rescue you out of that kingdom and invite you into a much greater Kingdom. 

Don't live just for the affection of another person. Don't live for experiences. Those earth-bound treasures have no ability to satisfy your heart. They will never be your messiah. People can't satisfy you. Things can't satisfy you. These things we attach our hearts to can never satisfy us. They leave us fat, addicted, and in debt.

Where are you looking for your hope? 
Hope is a person and his name is Jesus. 

Why would you waste your time seeking to build the claustrophobic kingdom of self with the knowledge that it will never satisfy? It will only leave you hopeless and empty with its demands. 

Lord, either you show up or everything sucks. 

We are immersed in a story of redemption. 
We are a people with a future. 
Everything that is wrong with this world will be made right.

One of the most poisonous of all Satan's whispers is simply,
"Things will never change." 

You cannot out-dream God. We are immersed into a story with a future. We have much to anticipate. 

There's a Kingdom that's coming that will knock us off our feet. 

The idea that we could be loved in our badness takes a little getting used to. Take some time to actually believe that God is this good. 

Don't just settle for religion when Jesus came to offer life. 
What was Jesus' by nature is yours by grace.

So many of us live the Christian life as if we were grasping for something we already have. 
It's not like Jesus was crucified and then He looked down and said, 
"Earn this."
His sacrifice wasn't some sort of down payment that you have to pay off by being a good person.

It was a gift He gave you, not a deal.
It wasn't a contract, it was a covenant. 

There is no shame in being real before God.
You don't have to fake it. 
It's okay.

What I Learned From the Women at a Maximum Security Prison in Indiana

This past weekend I had the incredible opportunity to spend an afternoon sharing Jesus with drug addicts, thieves, murderers, and alcoholics. I took all of the metal out of my face, put my shoes and belt in a plastic tub, and carried the gospel with me to a women's prison, abundant in regret and redemption.

The woman I was when I walked into the cold, cement building
was not the woman I was when I walked out hours later.

Here are some things God, prisoners, and joyful security guards taught me that day:

• The women knit their own scarves, and they are way better than the scarves I can make. 
• Prisoners are real people.
• They laugh and enjoy life more than most people I see on a daily basis.
• Prison is one of the most joyful places I have been, next to poverty-stricken African streets.
• There was no complaining about the circumstances, only acceptance. 
• They aren't ticked at life.
• These women love God. They didn't need me to bring the gospel to them. They already knew it. 
• The last type of people I expected to meet in a maximum security prison were women of strong faith. God likes to throw my expectations and judgement out the door like that. 
• The women are sharing Christ with those around them, seeing prison cells and 80 years sentences as their mission fields.
• Their priorities are better organized than mine, as the world does not bombard them with distractions. 
• They aren't afraid of dancing, singing, joking, and having a good time. 
• They aren't ashamed. Christ has made them new.
• They have wisdom to share. Words to teach.
• Their faith is stronger than mine.
• They are like Paul, praising God behind bars.
• They love each other with a love that I rarely see.
• They are excited about Jesus Christ.
• They understand the power of the redeeming grace and forgiveness of God far better than I ever will. 
• They didn't need me. 
• I wasn't better than them. 
• They didn't have tattoos of skulls on their faces or look like they wanted to kill me. 
• They cared about me and my life.
• They had college degrees and ambition and dreams.
• They are growing in their faith just like me.
• They are participating in real life, giving what they have to give. 
• Their sins are not more sinful than mine, and God does not judge them any more harshly than he judges me. 
• While the world condemns them, because of the blood of Christ, God condemns them not.
• My heart overflows with judgement and condemnation, even when I think it does not.
• God used prisoners to teach me, not me to teach prisoners.
• Nothing is what you expect it to be when the Holy Spirit is involved.

Our team of incredible women.

There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.For the law of the Spirit of life has set you free in Christ Jesus from the law of sin and death. 

Romans 8:1-2

Blessings.

Sometimes God taps you on the shoulder

and whispers,

"Hey, would you like to be a part of this person's story?"

And then you find yourself
sitting on the floor of a hotel lobby
at 1 in the morning
telling a beautiful woman
about the saving grace of Jesus

and how He wants her to be His
for good
and forever.

And sometimes God
allows you the incredible opportunity
to share in the experience
of someone giving her life
and heart
and mind
and soul
to Him.

And fresh tears of joy and freedom
fall onto the 5 star hallway carpet
as new names are written into the
Book of Life.

I don't know why God let's me be a part of things like this.

But these are the days that make every other day worth it.

December 30, 2012.

Welcome to the family, Woman of God.













He saved us—
not by works of righteousness that we had done,
but according to His mercy,
through the washing of regeneration
and renewal by the Holy Spirit.
Titus 3:5

Observations From The Purple Seat Of A Go West Bus

A young, handsome man approached
a girl with curly blonde hair.

"Can I sit by you?
I know I don't know you
but..."

And he extended his hand to her
and introduced himself
as he took the seat
which was uncomfortably close

As all the bus seats are.

"Hi Shannon. It's nice to meet you."

As he offered her a sip of his
Campbells Chicken Noodle
Cup O' Soup
on this chilly evening.

She giggled
as she responded with
"No, no thanks."

And so he just made small talk
with her

And she introduced him
to her friend Megan.

And we all got off at the next stop.

Thirty seconds of my day.

And Humanity is beautiful.

I want to be more like the friendly people.

College is a Battleground

When I was young
they told me to trust my teachers
for what they said was wise, knowledgable, and true

We are now playing a different game

If I trusted each word
that was so eloquently
inserted into my mind
here

I would lose myself

I live on a battleground where
flowers equal sex
and
Freud equals wise

Sex, sex, and sex are the subject matter today

"We haven't discussed what going on with sex.
It woudn't be a lit. class if I didn't write
sex
on the board,
huh?"

perhaps tomorrow my ears will be graced
with lessons on
"The Christian creation myth"
and factors which argue that the
"mystical traditions of Christianity and Buddhism
are teaching the same things"

"Aren't all humans actually werewolves?"
Dr. T asks, intending to pose a rhetorical question

The class stares, possibly buying into him
as I promtly break the silence with a vehement

"No."

Question after question
word after word
of falsehood

"Is beauty something different from evolution?"

"I know we are all just machines,
and I hate that
because I like the idea of being
completely
and
utterly
in
control."

I live on a battleground
where spritual warfare is waging like
this is its home

and discernment is my prayer
with every classroom that I enter.

For the time will come when they will not tolerate sound doctrine, but according to their own desires, will multiply teachers for themselves because they have an itch to hear something new. They will turn away from hearing the truth and will turn aside to myths.  But as for you, be serious about everything, endure hardship, do the work of an evangelist, fulfill your ministry.
II Timothy 4:3-5

Contradiction

I
saw
a man
light a cigarette
the moment he step-
ped out of the rec. today.

I had salad for lunch yesterday

and three pumpkin bars for dessert.

Sometimes it seems that
all we can really do
is just try to
balance
things
out.

Not All Who Wander Are Lost

My friend Emily and I were talking tonight
about how we want to go far away and experience the world,
and love Jesus and love people,
making disciples of all nations.

We're tired of the American dream,
and we haven't even started living it yet.
We don't want dental insurance
and we're not sure what the point of this
college degree thing is.

It all got me thinking about how
I still have no idea what I
"want to do with my life."

Since that is the question
we all face each day.
At least, all of us college kids.

And, how I don't really even have
any particular liking for the career
I am studying to pursue.

And, how I already feel that
when I return from Ethiopia
my heart will just long for more.

Emily told me that her parents are
starting to prepare themselves
for the possibility that she will never
really settle in America,
the only land she's ever known.

I wonder if I will ever really settle in America.

I wonder what God has for me.

Oh, how I wonder.

In the midst of my wondering,
my mind likes to toss around the idea of this:
http://www.theworldrace.org/?tab=about

11 countries in 11 months.

...I wonder.

Ethiopia 2013

A video about my upcoming missions trip. Enjoy!

Coffee Shop

An attractive
middle-eastern
couple
chats endlessly over a hot beverage
across the room.

Her head covered,
his eyes on fire.

Their plates were empty
hours ago.

As she smiles,
he laughs.

She puts her head in her hands
and giggles
as he tells stories
in a language I can't comprehend.

I think
they must love each other.

I really have no doubt.

 

Convicted

I've been spending my life
creating running schedules
and buying thrift store jeans
and not wearing shoes
and memorizing poetry
and figuring out gas prices for trips with Christians

but I haven't been telling people about Jesus

and that might be the only thing that matters.

How, then, can they call on the one they have not believed in? And how can they believe in the one of whom they have not heard? And how can they hear without someone preaching to them?
Romans 10:14

I've only just begun the several hour process
of studying things like
"the accretion of solar nebula to make planets"
and
"the discovery of the Moho/crust mantle boundary"
for tomorrow's exam,

And all my heart wants
is to gently rock a small
African baby to sleep,
singing hymns
and pouring love,
knowing that the brighter days are ahead.

 

The Thought of Living in America for the Rest of My Life

Scares the crap out of me.

But, when I pondered this, I realized that the thought of
living in another country for the rest of my life

also scares the crap out of me.

Each for different reasons, of course.

My soul burns with passion for missions.
I am on fire, and I want to go.
And do.
And make disciples.

I just switched my major
in order to get certified to teach High School English.
With this, another semester was added to my total university time.

Each day I am able to grasp a little more
the idea that I may actually be here
on this college campus
for three and a half more years.

Sometimes I'm not sure if I can make it,
if I want to make it,
or if I'm supposed to make it.

Three and a haf years is a long time from now.

Nearly 2016.

I think I would be surprised if I was still here.
I think I would be surprised if I was still in America.
But, I'm utterly aware that my God is a God of surprises
and often calls us to the unexpected.

Fact: I love being a missionary at Western Illinois University.
Is it what I thought I would be doing with these four years of my life?
Not even a little tiny bit.

But, I love it.
I love telling people about Jesus in a way they've never heard Him explained before.
I love stuffing ten women into a dorm room to study the Word and share hearts.
I love running on empty streets in the morning and dedicating my day to God's glory.
I love sharing every meal with a community of believers who want to see this campus on fire for God.
I love meeting new people, and realizing they love Jesus too, and aren't quite sure what they're doing at college either.
I love evenings spent at a coffee shop, worshiping Jesus and sipping hot chai with caramel.
I love that this existence is not putting me into debt.
I love the absolutely incredible friends and Christian community God has lavished upon me.
I love diversity and experiences and my possibly high, gay poetry professor.
I love learning and growing and buying my own deodorant.
I love being a part of a movement for Christ that is changing lives every day.

Yet, in it's own way, every day comes with a moment of dissatisfaction.
Because I don't want what this University is trying to give me.
And I don't want what America is trying to push me toward.
And the deepest parts of my being are on FIRE
to GO.
and do.
and serve.
and tell of Jesus.
and experience the world.
and love the orphans.
and rescue women from sex-trafficking.
and pray for broken bodies to be made whole.
and cook a meal for a starving child.
and make disciples of all the nations.

A God-loving student I met at a conference last year just left for a missions trip called World Race.
He is going to 11 countries in 11 months
and being the hands and feet of Jesus
all over the world.

And my soul burns with the hope
that one day I would find myself
doing the same.

I am going to Ethiopia for a month and a half over the summer.
If I didn't have that, I don't know what I would do.

Because the thought of living in America for the rest of my life
is one that I cannot quite handle.

The American dream sounds terribly dissatifying to me.
I just want to go and do.

To say that I don't know why God has put me here on this campus in America right now
would be a lie.

I know.
You probably even know.
The movement happening here is no secret.
It's a big deal. And it's awesome.

If it wasn't for this missions field on campus, I would have no reason to be here.
So with that, I push on.

I long to go.
But, God has me staying for now.

It is only my hope that the staying is temporary,
and the going is permanent.

God, grant me patience and satisfaction.

"I know that there is nothing better for people than to be happy and to do good while they live. That each of them may eat and drink, and find satisfaction in all their toil—this is the gift of God." --Ecclesiastes 3:12-13