just a continuation of the previous year

new year
    new fears
       
more fun
       a ton

refreshing days
       i fix my gaze
on new horizons

sun up...sun down
       graduation gown
far from home
   on my own
just a phone call away
    it's okay. you don't have to stay

new friends
    discover
who i am
find a lover

kiss a boy
     maybe two
follow God
    try something new

attend a catholic service
for curiosity's sake

shake a stranger's hand
     birds sing me awake

take up flossing
   and maybe yoga too

expect the unexpected
    spend the day at a zoo
have more fun than i've ever had before
meet new folks
learn more jokes

acquire a taste for coffee
win a bet
wear a dress
to mcdonalds

be a model

cast a vote
citizen's right
read the bible
fly a kite

pray without ceasing
figure out what that means
develop a worldview
change my mind on a few things

be yourself
don't change for anyone else

don't make resolutions
care less about pollution

just make subtle changes
or drastic, if you please

new years are funny things
begin this one on my knees

Ode to a Friend

She came into my life like a rainstorm comes on a hot summer day
Surprising, refreshing, and in the most lovely sort of fashion
The kind that just makes you want to stop and laugh because it's so amazing and so perfect

She skips and giggles and has a singing voice that will blow you away
A lover of the most beautiful sorts of music
Danced in my living room last night like a black woman dances to R&B

Tries to 'bring out the red in her hair' while I just say
Heck with it, and dye mine bright auburn

Paints of ambition and opportunities to be grasped
Looks like a knock-out in her new plaid coat
Talks about real things, because that's what matters, right?

Gasps and apologizes when she swears.
I think it's cute.

Reads books just because I tell her to
Hugs me even when I'm dripping with toxic hair dye

Takes a chance with the un-named box of chocolates
Enjoys coffee, and keeps forgetting that I don't

Has the cutest boyfriend I ever did see

We're gonna go church hopping
And take pictures in the winter awesomeness

Not sure how it all happened like this
But I like it

It makes me smile in the morning
And sing in the afternoon

It's as if God was like...here MaryBeth...here's a reason to be happy
Because lovely people do exist
And here's one for you

"Maybe it's a twofer.  Maybe you needed a friend and I needed God."

Maybe so, dearest
Maybe so

I've just been so...

Busy.
Busy.
Freaking Busy.

No. Not me.
You.
That's what you keep telling me, at least.

You see, there's this thing happening lately, and I'm tired of it.
I contacted you to see if you wanted to sit and drink coffee with me and talk about anything under the sun...
And you told me that you would love to, but you're just so busy right now.
But maybe when things slow down we could figure something out.

But don't feel like I'm attacking you, because you're not the only one.
Quite honestly, it's pretty much everyone.
They've all just been so busy lately.

Hey, we haven't talked in a while. What's going on?
Oh, I know. I've just been so busy lately. I haven't had time to do anything.

I just realized that is a completely ridiculous statement. So busy you haven't had time to do anything.
Then what are you even busy with? You must be doing something. Something terribly important, it seems.

I haven't seen you at church in a while. What have you been up to?
Oh, you know, I'm just a busy guy. I try to come as much as I can.

Do you want to hang out sometime soon? You could come stay at my house for the weekend.
Oh, that sounds like so much fun. I'd really love to. But I'm really busy right now. When things slow down a bit though, we will do something for sure.

If  I hear the word busy one more time I might explode.
Don't tell me you're busy.
Either care about our relationship enough to make time for it, or tell me I don't rank high enough on your priority list to spend time nurturing this friendship...and then go away.

I realize that's kind of harsh. But I'm seriously fed up with the "busyness" that seems to be consuming our lives lately. What the heck are we all so busy with? And how much does that stuff really matter?

I don't know about you. But to me, people matter.
People matter more than homework.
and dishes. and shopping. and a job.
and cleaning your room.
and watching that show.
and sleeping in.
and going to this or that event.

My relationship with you, blog reader, matters.
You matter.
God matters.
Reality matters.
Caring and loving and helping matter.
Giving and learning and talking matter.

What are you living for?
Why are so many of us sucked into this disgusting trap of busyness.

I find this to be especially an issue in the Christian realm.
I find a lot of things to be especially an issue in the Christian realm.
By the way, that's pretty messed up.
But I'm serious, we get all wrapped up into our events.
We have schedules filled with all the stuff we're doing for God.
We volunteer and teach and haul children back and forth.
And we feel pretty holy about it all.

And that would all be just dandy, if you didn't blow me off every time I called you.
That would be super holy if you also managed to put effort into your relationships.

Relationship matters.
I would almost venture to say it matters the most.
It is at the core of love, beauty, and salvation.

But we've not much time for that serious stuff.
We've just been so......
Busy.

Infected

He told me my Christianity is like a disease.
A contagious virus that threatens to infect everyone I come in contact with.
And I can't control it. I can't choose to not infect. Because I'm a carrier.
I carry Christianity like a snot-nosed-kid carries a cold.

I told him my intentions were not to infect him.
I'm not trying to "christianize" anyone.
But apparently I don't get to choose. It's just who I am.
I have an ailment, a sickness, a virus, a malady.
I am contaminated, and if you spend too much time around me, you may catch it too.
Catch...belief. Catch faith. Catch God.

But don't worry, not everyone gets it.
Some people are strong enough to fight it off.
Some people, like him, are immune. Or so he says.
But I suppose there's always a chance.
Always a chance you could run into me and your life could be changed forever.

For a moment this grieved me. I was frustrated that I could not control it.
For a moment I was confused and puzzled at this new concept.
And then a thought....
A thought that went something like this:

Maybe, just maybe, I am carrying not a disease, but rather, a cure.

What if you're the sick one, and I have the answer?
What if what I am carrying will save your life?

You're already dying. Why not take the chance?
Whether it's a disease or a cure, I really don't care.
Come, drink my tonic.
Or my toxin, perhaps.
Be infected.
Be infected with me, friend.
And we'll start an epedemic.

An epedemic of the cure.

2 a.m.

*ring ring*

Uhh....Hello?

Hey, we need your help. We're at a party and he's throwing up all over the place. What should I do?

Okay, where are you?

I don't know. I don't know where we're at.

Did he drink too much? Does he need to go to the hospital?

No. no. He didn't drink too much. He's just throwing up and he keeps saying your name.

Okay. Can you get out of there? Can you get home?

Well, I could drive us home.

Wait, have you been drinking too?

Yeah, but not very much. I'm fine to drive.

NO! Do NOT drive. Listen to me. Do not drive. Please.

Well what should I do? Here, talk to him.

(non-comprehendable coversation with a totally wasted kid)

Listen, you cannot drive. I'm listening to you talk and I can tell that you are not okay to drive. Do you have anyone you could call to come pick you up?

No. My parents are out of town and his parents don't know he drinks. None of our friends would come get us.

Okay, well do not drive. Stay there. I'm so serious, listen to me. Do not drive.

I think we're gonna go to sleep.

Okay, that's a good idea. Go lay down. Don't go anywhere. Please.

Okay, hey, don't tell anyone about this okay? I don't want him to get in trouble.

Okay. Bye guys.

....5 minutes later

Hey MaryBeth, we just wanted to let you know that we were totally messing around with you. Here, talk to him.

Hey MaryBeth. Completely sober here. No drinking, we're both fine.

Are you serious?

Yeah. We're just hanging out playing cards.

I learned some things about myself last night. I learned that each day counts and things can change in an instant. I learned that I would have gotten up and driven to pick up these guys if they had insisted on driving. I learned I care a ton about these people that I just met a couple of weeks ago, and for some reason I would have given just about anything to save their lives. I prayed harder in those few minutes than I have in a long time. I learned that I care. More than I realized I ever did. And I learned that opportunities are everywhere. Even if it wasn't real this time, it could be next time. And I'm glad they know I'm there to call. I care. I'll always care. I'm here. I'm always here.  Life is short. Don't waste it, dear heart. Don't waste it.

Worth My Time

So I came to a point a while ago where I didn't want to trust people. None of them.
I didn't want to put my hopes in people. I didn't want to be let down again.
I didn't want to take the chance of being hurt.
I lost my hope in humanity. Yes, I did.
I decided people weren't worth my tears.
I decided people weren't worth my time.
I decided people would never do anything but let me down.
I decided to give up on anyone but me and God.
And there on that dark road with misty eyes and chilled bones I laid down my hope, my trust, my desires, my passions. And I made the decision that humanity was not worthy of seeing my heart. And I locked it up. And there I was. Just me and God. And no chance of ever being hurt again.

And then I tried to live. And it didn't work.
I was lonely. I was lost. I had no purpose. I had no reason to exist.
Maybe the pain had been worth it.

We were meant to live in relationship with other people. To love and be loved, to know and be known.

And I opened my eyes. And I said to God, surely there are good people out there. Surely there are people worth fighting for. Surely they don't all aim to destroy whole hearts.
And a still, small voice replied,

"Look for them."

So I did. I began looking for the good in people. I began expecting people to treat me right. I began discovering beauty in everyone. And this is what I saw:

An unexpected apology from a complete stranger
An extraordinarily friendly cafe worker
A sweet new youthgroup attendee, with a lovely heart
A random act of kindness by an unfamiliar face
A message of encouragemenet and words that say "I care" from a college student
A wonderful new friend who loves, accepts, and talks about real things
A beautiful penpal -- just like we used to have back in the day
People who stood up for me, who cared

I just opened my eyes.

So, dear friend, perhaps I am not completely convinced.
But I'm on my way.
And now, today, sitting in the light, living for today...I have a glimmer of hope
That maybe, just maybe, humanity is worth it.

Jesus is reality.

My life has scripted lines like a movie.

Hello there

Hey

How are you?

I'm good -- and you?

I'm pretty good.

Oh, that's good. I'm glad.

Yeah, so what have you been up to?

Oh, not much. You know, school...work. Pretty uneventful. How about you?

Same.

Eh. We should hang out sometime.

Yeah we should. Probably after everything slows down. Life is so busy right now.

I know what you mean. I don't have time to do anything.

Well, I guess I'll talk to you later.

You too. Bye.

Bye.


Oh, dear friend, would you like to go off-script with me? Would you like to live a life of improv? Would you like to say new and refreshing things each time we talk? Would you like to speak of real and deep things and get below the surface for a change?

I'm throwing out the script.
I hope you do too.

Sure, jumping ship might be dangerous.

Who knows what sort of evil waits.

The water's too dark for me to see down there.

But, whoever said the ship was safe?

Love is still a worthy cause

I have never heard this song with my ears. I have only read the lyrics with my eyes. And that's enough for me. That's enough to change me. That's enough to make me move. Love is still a worthy cause.

Love Is Still A Worthy Cause
by Sara Groves
have you listed all the times you've tried
do you call on all your alibis
when somebody asks the question why are you hiding

did you feel the pull, did you hear the call
did you take a chance and lose it all
do you fear there's no collateral left for trying

friend i know your heart is raw
but love is still a worthy cause
picking up and pressing on
oh love is still a worthy cause
like the touch that starts the thaw
oh, love is such a worthy cause
or the word that breaks the pause


in the midst of passing bravery
in the face of our own injuries
is the constant generosity of grace


it's the beauty in the tales we tell
it's the pressing on and ending well
it's the joy that comes when we give our self away

i love because he loved me when i had nothing
i love because you loved me when i had nothing
i love because he loved me when i had nothing

i had nothing


when you count the cost and all seems lost
love is still a worthy cause
when you're pressing on though your strength is gone
love is still a worthy cause


oh, love is still a worthy cause
oh, love is still a worthy cause
oh, love

Confession:

I went upstairs this evening with the intentions of cleaning my room. I soon found myself in my bedroom by myself just dancing my heart out. Toby Mac, Relient K, David Crowder, Copeland...oh how I love to dance. Also, I jumped on my bed. And I jumped off my bed. I was like a rockstar. It was pretty amazing. I felt like a little kid. It was a joyous time, indeed.

"...and you are to rejoice before the Lord your God in everything you put your hand to."
Deuteronomy 12:18

I feel as though I'm starting to love Sundays again. I do believe this is a wonderful feeling.

Despite the Circumstances

I turned this paper in today for my composition class. I thought you might enjoy reading it, too. The assignment was to write a definition essay defining an abstract concept.


How cliché would it be if I wrote an essay defining joy? How utterly sappy and dull might an essay about joy turn out to be? It is a commonly known word, and I would venture to guess that most everyone is familiar with the concept. But, I have something new to say. A fresh perspective is being brought to the table. Why do we need a new description of joy? Well, quite frankly, most of our world has no idea what true joy is. We get it mixed up with happiness and fun and gladness and ordinary things such as those. We live in a messed-up world, and with this messed-up world comes a flawed definition of so many concepts. Society today completely fails at knowing what joy really is. Our main fault is this: We only find or feel joy when things are going well. This is not what joy is at all. Joy surpasses the circumstances. Despite widely accepted beliefs, joy is a state of being that is constant, freeing, and powerful -- never wavering as a result of a bad day.


I tried to think of some ways we use the word joy in everyday life. I searched my mind for little phrases we often throw out there that might include that word. I would use these as examples of what the world thinks joy is. But, I could not come up with any. We do not really use it that much. We know about it and think about it and assume we possess it. When it comes down to it, this simple word is not a common part of our everyday language. How often does one proclaim, “Oh, I feel joyous today,” or when asked how he is feeling, reply with, “I’m quite joyful -- and you?” Instead, one might say, “I am doing well,” or “I’m good.” or even “fine.” We do not use words like joyous or exuberant or splendid to describe ourselves. Perhaps this is because we never truly do feel joyous. Perhaps this three letter word is a lost concept to the human race. Perhaps joy does not genuinely exist at all.

There is an answer to all of these mind-wrenching thoughts. Joy does exist. But, it is rare. When I was storming my brain for examples of uses of the word, it was clear that the only place I really hear it spoken and talked about in my life is in the church and with the Body of Christ. Consider the popular song which exclaims, “I’ve got the joy, joy, joy, joy down in my heart.” Also, a well-known scripture defines the Fruit of the Spirit as “love, joy, peace, patience…”

There are sermons given and Sunday school lessons taught on the concept of joy. It is flowing all throughout the church. Christians seek joy. They seek to understand it and learn about it and possess it. Maybe I sound a bit preachy. Maybe this is turning into a dull, sappy essay about joy. But, the thing is, this is what matters: True joy comes from Christ.

“Joy is not the absence of suffering. It is the presence of God.” --Robert Schuller

What more is there to say? I could speak of the reason for our joy. I could tell of Jesus’ death on the cross and his sacrifice for humanity. I could tell of his resurrection and of the jubilee that consumes those who give their lives to him. But, to describe these marvelous topics would take several more essays in themselves. So, I must stick to the topic of joy. We have joy because Christ loves us. We have joy because our lives have a purpose. We have joy because we are forgiven for our sins, made clean and new, given a second chance, and sent on a mission to further the Kingdom of God. Joy is not happiness. It is not gladness and fun. Joy is an ever-constant state of the heart. I have joy on the best of days and the worst of days. Joy is related to peace in that way. It consumes one’s being and sets him free from burdens and anxiety. A popsicle on a hot summer day makes me happy. A life full of meaning and the promise of eternity with Christ gives me joy.

As I said, the world has a skewed view of the concept of joy. It would seem that most of the world does not even acknowledge the word. It is often thrown out of the common vocabulary because it seems so hard and sometimes impossible to achieve. This is true, if one does not have Christ. It is impossible to have a life full of true, complete joy without the Lordship of Jesus Christ. One can be happy. He can be glad and his days can be going well. But, the true test of joy comes when the sun stops shining and everything starts falling apart. It is then that we can either wallow in our sufferings or claim our joy and overcome our circumstances. When taking a hard look at the world we live in, does it not seem as if we could all use a little more joy?

I am the Moon

I often find myself pondering
Your precious glory and your fame
I can't help but be in awe
Oh Yahweh, my perfect King

I heard a song the other day
Which stirred within me thoughts from above
See, I finally realized
That you are the sun

You are the light that keeps me alive
You are what warms me on the inside
You are huge, you are power
You illuminate the earth
And I'm certain without you I would never survive

So with that thought I continued
And discovered very soon
That if you are the sun
I could only be the moon

Without you I am a cold, dark, useless rock
But when I turn my face to you, my purpose is unlocked
I can only shine if I radiate your glow
Is it not clear? I have no light of my own

And with those few simple words, it all starts to make sense
You are the source I was created to reflect

Alone I am nothing, no matter how hard I try
But when I gaze your direction, I can light up a sky

Through you I have victory
Now I know that I've won
For I am the moon
And you, Lord, are the sun.

November Thoughts

I've had this deep desire to write lately.
Yet when I sit down with my pen...or my fingers on the keys...nothing comes.
I feel stuck.
Like writing is something built into me.
Something beautiful.
But I can't do it.
It feels sad.

Writing is my release.
Writing is my remedy.
Writing is my freedom.

I feel like I'm changing.
But I'm not really sure how.
At all.

I know I like different things.
Old things, and dirty things.
I find beauty in the unusual.

I know I feel different things.
Like passion for crunchy leaves.
And the desire to touch the hearts of Jr. High girls.
My heart is forming. Or perhaps it's growing.

I know I'm getting excited about college.
Even though I haven't made solid deicisons about where I'm going.
My hearts jumps at the idea of being on my own.
And expressing myself in new and crazy ways.

I know I've been making new friends.
My heart is drawn to different people.
And I want to make more.

I want to know you -- whoever you are.
I want to go for a walk with you through the crunchy leaves.
I want to make you hot chocolate and sit on my bed and let words flow from our mouths.
I want to share with you what God has been doing in my life.
And I want to spread my fire for Jesus.

I want to know about your life.
The things that make you hurt.
And the things that make you giggle.
The things that really make your day.
And the ways in which your day can be ruined in an instant.
I want to know what Jesus is doing in YOUR life.
I want to stay up all night getting to know you.

I'm changing.
I can't quite pinpoint how.
But I think it's good.
Perhaps it is just part of this growing up thing.