Group Therapy

Yesterday
my entire women's small group
decided we should probably see a counselor

individually

and for a myriad of different reasons.

Because life is hard sometimes
and everyone has got a lot of crap
they're carrying around everyday.

And maybe it would just be good to talk about it.

And I think this may be
the most authentic group of people
I have ever been so blessed
to be placed with.

Coffee Shop Banter

Today

my coffee shop friend

was wearing a t-shirt

a sweatshirt

a button-up

a vest

and a coat

simultaneously. 

As I confronted him on this 

extraordinary wardrobe choice

he simply remarked...

"Well, what was I supposed to wear?" 

Followed by,

"My girlfriend told me I should start dressing in layers."

And,

"But, seriously, is that not normal?" 

At which point I proceeded to laugh,

as I shared with him the brutal truth.

"I wouldn't say it's 'normal'

but it is a unique choice."

Promptly pointing to my feet,

he rebutted,

"Do you always match your socks to your cardigan? 

Because that's probably not normal." 

I concur, dear coffee shop friend,

I concur. 

First Date

I haven’t been outside in three days

That is how cold it is.

But this hot tea

And your warm words

Make every shiver worth it.

I’ve lost track of how many doors

You’ve opened for me

All of them.

More than every guy I’ve ever known

Combined.

Six point five hours

Of tea

And stories

And theology

And fortune cookies

That lack any mysterious sentimental value

But taste okay.

It’s everything

I could have wanted.

And 97% less awkward than anticipated.

Book Review

If you're looking for a painfully hilarious

yet utterly profane and offensive 

gem of a novel

about high school sucking

and also cancer

but not in a sentimental or heart-rending way whatsoever

then might I recommend

Me and Earl and the Dying Girl

by Jesse Andrews

but probably don't give it to your mom when you're done

because it is seriously inappropriate 

also it has a killer cover.

“If after reading this book you come to my home and brutally murder me, I do not blame you.”
― Jesse Andrews, Me and Earl and the Dying Girl

College is a Time for Growth

Freshman year:
Leggings are positively not pants.

Sophomore year:
Leggings may or may not be pants.

Junior year:
Leggings are always pants, all of the time, in all of the situations.

Lexapro

I hate that little white pill that I take every morning
almost as much as I hate the orange one.

The one I'm currently weaning myself off of
so that my body doesn't explode or something

while I try to find another assortment of chemicals
that will do the job it is failing to do,

that will make me happy.


I hate having to swallow my happiness in a pea-sized capsule every morning
almost as much as I hate
when people fling their opinions at me
that Christians shouldn't take anti-depressants
they should just find more joy in God
as if that isn't the most offensive statement you could make
towards me at this very moment in time


I hate dominating the side effect list of every pill I ever swallow:
"excessive sweating, insomnia, inability to focus, loss of appetite, abnormal dreams, restlessness."

and not being able to sleep for two weeks
while I "figure out the right balance for my body."

I begged God for help
and He gave me this pill
and that doctor who gets me
and that other pill for when this pill stopped working.

And I hate that answer

almost as much
as I thank God for it every day.

This Semester

It's been the hardest semester yet.
In terms of classes and relationships and life happening and all of the other little loose ends.
And I am really glad it's over.
And I am really ready for a new start in January.

But in the meantime, here are some of the awesome things me and God did this semester:

developed a serious passion for my major
candlelit yoga
7 a.m. runs with a fantastic running partner
found a new best friend by the name of Kim
the Color Run
joined the best small group I've ever had the privilege of being a part of
long bike rides in the country getting lost and almost dying
kind of played tennis once
witnessed so many friends get baptized 

fully committed to the Fuel ministry
found a new church that feels like home
survived the absence of my best friend for SIX months
grew to understand and appreciate true friendship so much more
recovering from a terrifying missions trip and stolen life dreams
finding God in all of it
signed a lease
taught a sign language lesson to a group of college students
learned to accept and love the support of family - because I need it
read so many great books
developed a possibly unhealthy addiction to Pinterest and the #hashtag
identified a lot of my health problems!
didn't break or twist my ankle
celebrated my grandparents 50th wedding anniversary
attended an incredible night of worship
strengthened old friendships and discovered new
found humility in the brokenness
started knitting again
grew back the half of my hair that was shaved
made a rockin' cheesecake
wrote some pretty impressive papers
was handed a random book scholarship that I didn't even apply for
found my doppelganger
made friends with professors
found best friends in my roommates for life
watched the Cardinals in the World Series
witnessed people step up to sponsor Ethiopian darlings like it was their privilege
learned some serious life lessons

Or, as my friend Kim said,
"I've just grown stronger."

Never once did I ever walk alone.

This is a Haiku
about how much I like blackout poetry
I like it a lot

On Depression (9-24-13)

it's like you're locked in a glass box
in the middle of the desert
and it is always night
except when it's not

and it doesn't get cold
and it doesn't get hot

it just is
and you just are

and you just sit behind your glass walls
hoping someone calls your name
offers something
to break the chains
shatter the thin, hard surface
separating you
from them

a rock even
would do

but no one ever does
that's how it seems at least

they're living too much life to notice

did I mention that to them
it's not a desert
but a beach

your box
it never faces toward the sea

9-24-12

I'm reading a book that says
"God is change"

And that book is not the Bible.

I sure as hell hope that God is not change.
Because everything else is change,
and I was really banking on
Him being solid. 

A Poem and another Poem

Song for Baby-O, Unborn

By Diane DiPrima

Sweetheart

when you break thru

you’ll find

a poet here

not quite what one would choose.

I won’t promise

you’ll never go hungry

or that you won’t be sad

on this gutted

breaking

globe

but I can show you

baby

enough to love

to break your heart

forever

Teacher

By me

I can't promise my babies much either

After all

I'm going to be a teacher

Or maybe just a mother

and a wife

and a gardener

and a runner

and a cook

and a maid

and a secretary

and  writer

and a counselor

and a nurse

and a chauffeur 

and a friend

and a giver

and an artist

and a lover

Maybe that's all I'll ever be

for my babies

That College Kid

I think I'm becoming that college kid.
The kind that is in love with her major
and only always studies
and writes papers
and talks passionately about the things she's learning in class.

The kind that is actually in it for the degree
and the career
and the opportunities.

The kind that spends more time with books than other people
and whose most important reason for being at college
is college.

I never thought I would get to this point.

It seems so...
not
me.

But God has been changing me.

Has he ever.

“Just because I liked something at one point in time doesn’t mean I’ll always like it, or that I have to go on liking it at all points in time as an unthinking act of loyalty to who I am as a person, based solely on who I was as a person. To be loyal to myself is to allow myself to grow and change, and challenge who I am and what I think. The only thing I am for sure is unsure, and this means I’m growing, and not stagnant or shrinking.” - Jarod Kintz

Five Months Later

When I got on the airplane, I was sure this was the beginning of the rest of my life. A year of prayer and fundraising and letter writing and donation sorting and more prayer rested behind me, and this was going to be the part of the story where God told me, “This is what I created you for.” It only made sense. For what other reason would I have been given such a heart for the orphaned, widowed, and poverty-stricken? Wasn’t it only by the directing hand of God that twice as much money as I needed was donated for this trip? The support was overwhelming and I knew this was what God was calling me to.

I’ve listened to so many pastors, speakers, and Sunday school teachers tell me that God-followers take leaps of faith. It’s time to abandon all fear and do something radical for God. If you just open yourself up to what God is calling you to do, incredible things will happen. Do not let fear or doubt or reason hold you back. Even if it seems crazy – sometimes God asks us to do crazy things. Imagine what this world would look like if we began saying yes to the things God is asking us to do. Just say yes, MaryBeth. Just forget everything that lies behind, and run toward this calling. Say yes to God, and behold the amazing things He will do.

Then Peter spoke up, “We have left everything to follow you!”

“Truly I tell you,” Jesus replied, “no one who has left home or brothers or sisters or mother or father or children or fields for me and the gospel will fail to receive a hundred times as much in this present age.”

Mark 10:28-30

And I was doing it. I was saying yes and I was ready to do radical things for the gospel of Christ. I’ve always heard this phrase during sermons that encourage people to say yes to God’s call:                   “God, I’ll do anything you want. Just, please, don’t send me to Africa.”

And I was begging Him. God, send me to Africa. I am ready. I will do it. Use me there. And change me there. And call me there. And I believed He did.

I was ready to abandon everything for His call – college, family, friends, success, money, America, comfort. I would have given it all.

Of course, I was scared to death. Out of my mind.

“For if we are out of our mind, it is for God.”

2 Corinthians 5:12

There were a few glitches along the way, but isn’t that always to be expected when doing Kingdom work?

“In this godless world you will continue to experience difficulties. But take heart! I’ve conquered the world.”

John 16:33

The moment I stepped foot on the dusty African soil, I knew something wasn’t right. I didn’t belong here – the feeling consumed me.

 When no one arrived to pick me up at the airport in which I spoke the language of not one present, I accounted it to “African time,” holding back tears as I struggled to communicate with an unfamiliar employee.

I tried to shake it off as the first orphan child I held tightly grasped the “my heart is in Ethiopia” necklace that had hung from my neck every day for the past year – and ripped it off, breaking it into my hands.

“Things happen”, I told those around me, as a deep hole began to form inside my chest.

Hours after I arrived, I thanked God that I had decided to pack my ankle brace “just in case.” My now twisted ankle screamed at me as I trudged the dusty roads to the school.

Lack of sleep was gnawing at me, and I begged my fellow missionaries to please quiet down so I could get some rest.

“Yesterday was your missionary director’s last day,” I was told one of my first mornings at the guest house. “He has packed up his things and will be moving out.”

I knew what they were really saying, though.

“There is no one in charge of you, now. You will be given no direction and treated more like a burden than a help. Hopefully you remember everything from your last trip, because there will be no instructions given on how to live, eat, or stay safe in this utterly foreign land. Just figure out your own schedule. We don’t care what you do. Figure it out.”

And day after day, I didn’t sleep save a few minutes to make time for my regular nightmares.

My mind was starting to play games with me.

“These people don’t want you here. But you are stuck here. They have trapped you here and you will never get to go home.”

You will never

Go

Home.

“I think there’s something wrong with me,” I managed to form into words through tears to my oh-so-distant mother on a sketchy phone that I borrowed/stole from someone in the house.

It only took us about ten times make the call connect.

Yet I felt like she was my only source of sanity. She was holding me together whether she knew it or not. In this foreign world where I did not belong – everyone and everything was a stranger. All day, every day, I only thought about whether I would be able to reach my mom that night. Hear her voice. Her comforting words, ensuring me that,

 “Everything will be okay, baby. The doctor said you need to come home now, and I am going to do everything I can to get you back as soon as possible. I love you.”

She was my hope.

“The doctor said this medicine has been known to cause suicidal thoughts to some people who have severe adverse reactions to it.”

I guess I had a severe adverse reaction to the medicine.

Five months later, I wonder if I’m having a severe adverse reaction to the trip.

To the broken dreams.

To the crushed expectations.

To the doubting of God’s faithfulness.

To the pieces of a necklace and pieces of a heart that were ripped from me.

To the now confused idea of doing radical things for God.

To the end of the plans I had for the rest of my life.

A few days ago I sat through a sermon much like the ones I heard before I left. The ones that convinced me to say yes to those big things God was calling me to.

“Imagine what God could do if you abandoned your fears and said yes to that thing you know He is asking you do right now.”

Imagine.

I said yes, God.

I thought this was what you wanted me to do.

Did I read you so horribly wrong? Did I let my pride get in the way of your will?

Why would you call me to this…and then rip it away from me in such a brutal way?

I sunk into a depression when I returned from Ethiopia that still hasn’t lifted.

Was this the path you had for me, God? Or did I somehow mess it up and turn it into this disaster?

Is this just one of those things that “happens,” and I can focus on the bad in it or I can focus on the good? It’s my choice.

The pastor the other night told me I need to say yes to God. To whatever He is asking me to do.

But my main question really is this….

Why would I do that again?

If this is what happens when you say yes, why would I ever offer up another yes?

I know what you’re thinking.

God is using this experience to grow you stronger. He is forcing you to rely on Him during this time. He is going to make all things work together for your good. He is faithful. He doesn’t plan for terrible things to happen to us. You may not be able to see it now, but something good will come from this. It’s hard to see the big picture right now. Just be patient. Lean on God. He is teaching you. He still has plans in this. God doesn’t promise that things will be easy, He only promises that He will be with us every step of the way.

Believe me, I have pondered, wrestled with, thrown into the trash, dug through and picked back up, cried out, yelled, sobbed through, and exhausted all of the above and more.

I’m not saying they’re not true.

I’m just saying that I’m tired of the clichés. And I’m tired of hearing the same things over and over again from every person attempting to “look on the bright side.”

This trip sucked.

It was the hardest, most scary, awful thing I have ever experienced in my life.

And it took away my dreams.

And now I don’t know what my dreams are.

And that’s a really scary place to be.

I feel like I had to start rebuilding who I am when I returned.

And I haven’t gotten very far.

Probably because I’m still holding on to who I wanted to be.

That crazy African missionary girl.

Truths

“Take a long, hard look. See how great he is—infinite,
    greater than anything you could ever imagine or figure out!"
    -Job 36:26


Jesus, you're the one who saves us,
constantly creates us into something new.
You make beautiful things out of the dust.
You have plans for me.
You make me new.
You are jealous for me.
I am forgiven and loved.
You save me.
You rescue me from the dominion of darkness.
You are my King.
You are my constant.
You are my only hope.
You are my joy.
You make all things work together for my good.
You care for me.
You are the only thing that is true.
You love me.
You died for me.
You don't see sin when you look at me.
You see beauty.
I am beautiful.
You are faithful.
You will not forsake me.
You will never give up on me.
I am worthy in your eyes.
You know my future.
I am yours.
You are good when there's nothing good in me.
You are perfect.
You want me.
You give me purpose.
You direct my paths.
You are life.
Without you I am nothing.
You are the light shining in my darkness.
You hear my every cry.
You never leave my side.
You bring me up from a desolate pit.
You deliver me.
In you, I am whole.
You teach me.
You counsel me.
You carry me on your back.
You always provide me with a way out.
You are able.
You see the depths of my heart and you love me the same!
Your grace knows no bounds.
Your mercies are new every morning.
You change hearts.
You change lives.
You have removed my sin as far as the east is from the west.
You remain when all else fades.
You never fail.
You do not keep a record of wrongs.
You are peace when I am shaken.
You are eternal.
You make me eternal.
You are safe.
You protect me.
Through you I have victory.
You promise to love me forever.
And you keep your promises.

A Mess

At some point, I thought I had it all figured out.

College, that is. 

And the things I thought God wanted me there for

were organizations and meetings

and busy lifestyles

and Bible studies.

And sometimes

God likes to let you know

that you don't know anything

about anything,

and the things He sent you to college for

were actually

classes and learning

and loving and enjoying. 

Next semester is going to be really messy.

I am really messy.

And I wouldn't want it any other way.