Body

If the first thing you did when you saw me
was try to determine if I was more or less
fat
than you,
then welcome to the party.

My jeans are size twelve,
but I look like I wear a size ten.
Does that help you out?

The average American woman wears a size fourteen
....according to WebMD.
So my thighs are slightly less thunderous
than Jane Doe's.
But they can sure hold their own
in my group of size zero friends.

If you're trying to decide if I'm prettier than you,
might I ask you to wait until I'm wearing my cute outfit?
That way I've at least got a fair shot.

Do you tell me I'm beautiful every time you see me
because you think you're not?

But here is where it gets real:

I've never met someone and not compared myself to them.

I've never met someone
and not compared myself to them.

I've never
met
someone
and
not
compared
myself
to them. 

It's Not That I'm Not Over You, It's Just That I Remember You

"You will never be more wrong than the first time you say 'I love you.'" - Neil Hilborn

Fourteen years
And we must know
that we are soul mates

I think it was the way your
greasy blonde teenage boy hair
dipped ever so slightly over your right eye
to the dismay of your parents

That's how I knew

How did you know?

Was it the way I manipulated
everyone I knew?

Or my willingness to request the bathroom pass
five times during geometry class
so I could text you in the stall
about how excited I was to see
a crappy concert with you
and our other friend
and our other friend's dad
next weekend?

That must have been it -
the text messages

Or was it the way I lost every friend I had
to make more space in my life
for being wildly in love with you?

Friends I would
never
get
back

Was it my sudden enthusiasm to participate in all things church
in hopes that you might do the same
and we could find a safe, neutral ground for our
being together-ness
since our parents wouldn't approve until we were sixteen

The age of maturity

Sixteen is for losers
I knew I was in love with you
at least one point seven years before that

Thinking you're in love makes you do crazy things
like manage to use church activities as a form of rebellion
like sacrifice every best friend you have in high school
like cross every boundary you read about in every Christian dating book your mom bought for you

Like spiral into an endless depression
the day you said
"It never meant anything to me"

A depression I swallowed a pill to tame
at approximately two forty three this afternoon

Like leave public school
to spend more time with your mom
when the friends you abandoned
abandoned you too

Like keep your old sweatshirts
in my closet for years
never wearing them
but never throwing them out
because they're nice sweatshirts
and they really should get some use someday

Like my mind immediately flashing to memories of
me and you
and text messages
and crappy concerts
and evangelistic puppet teams
and crying myself to sleep
for a year

when he says,
"You will never be more wrong
than the first time you say
I love you"

Little Moments

Like when the freezing rain and wind and silence hit your face and you are still and it is good 

Like when you take a bite of caramel pecan cheesecake that leaves you utterly speechless 

Like when you gaze at the very place Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. was shot and nothing else is happening, it's just you and him and a world of impact 

Like when you guide your friend beneath the water, bringing her and her new life in Christ back to the surface

I don't have a lot figured out

But I have these little moments

And they just might matter more than anything else

Why I Think it's Okay to be Discontent as a Christian Single

....especially on Valentine's Day.

There's something going on that I just need to address.

Valentine's day is tomorrow, and I'm complaining about it.
I don't like Valentine's day because it reminds me that one of the most beautiful things God has ever created is going on all around me and I am not a part of it.
And that stinks.

I've been seeing a lot of Christians around me talk about how we need to be content as Christian singles. How we need to let Jesus be enough. How we need to seek nothing beyond a relationship with him. How by letting the world know that we would like to experience this wonderful romantic love thing, we are somehow communicating that Jesus is not enough for us and therefore killing our witness.

And I love Jesus. You know that.
But I would just like to say that I think all of this being content in singleness stuff is a lot of crap.

You see, God created love. He created relationship. He created marriage.

He said that it was not good for man to be alone.
Even with God right there with him, Adam needed someone else.
And God gave her to him.
Because we were created for relationship.
We were not created to do life alone.
God has bigger plans than that. And he is the creator of love, relationships, and marriage.
He wants those things for us.
And to say that we need to be content without them just creates a lot of people faking contentedness in hopes that God will see their contentment and grant them relationship.
Because that is how we're told it works, right?
Become content in singleness, and then, when you least expect it and you are so in love with Jesus that you have completely forgotten about guys, he will sweep you off your feet with the man of your dreams.

That is as much of a fairytale as any Disney movie.
It doesn't happen like that.
And I don't believe that is how God created it to happen.

I don't think being discontent with singleness or Valentine's day hurts my witness for Christ. Because it shows that I am seeking what he has created for me. And I want to be a part of that party.

Of course, if these thoughts controlled my life and caused me to be unable to focus on loving Christ and serving him, we would have a problem. But they're not. This is just real life and these are real, valid feelings.

Christians keep trying to guilt trip me into being content in my singleness.
They tell me that I need to let Jesus be enough.
They tell me that my desire for a relationship is an idol competing against Christ in me.
They've probably told it to you, too.
And I'm just not okay with it anymore.

Christ in me will always shine, whether I am single or in a relationship.
And I think Valentine's Day is a time to celebrate the beautiful gifts of love God has given us.
And I can't help but feel that as a single person, I am just missing out a bit.

I know being in a relationship or a marriage isn't for everyone. Not everyone strongly desires that. And that is okay. It's great, even. If you are content in singleness, then more power to you. But if you aren't, let that be okay, too.

I am single and I am discontent with that.
And I am not trying to fix it.

Listen to Matt Chandler, he speaks it far better than I can.

God was more faithful to me
than I was to Him.

Over
and
over. 

Group Therapy

Yesterday
my entire women's small group
decided we should probably see a counselor

individually

and for a myriad of different reasons.

Because life is hard sometimes
and everyone has got a lot of crap
they're carrying around everyday.

And maybe it would just be good to talk about it.

And I think this may be
the most authentic group of people
I have ever been so blessed
to be placed with.

Coffee Shop Banter

Today

my coffee shop friend

was wearing a t-shirt

a sweatshirt

a button-up

a vest

and a coat

simultaneously. 

As I confronted him on this 

extraordinary wardrobe choice

he simply remarked...

"Well, what was I supposed to wear?" 

Followed by,

"My girlfriend told me I should start dressing in layers."

And,

"But, seriously, is that not normal?" 

At which point I proceeded to laugh,

as I shared with him the brutal truth.

"I wouldn't say it's 'normal'

but it is a unique choice."

Promptly pointing to my feet,

he rebutted,

"Do you always match your socks to your cardigan? 

Because that's probably not normal." 

I concur, dear coffee shop friend,

I concur. 

First Date

I haven’t been outside in three days

That is how cold it is.

But this hot tea

And your warm words

Make every shiver worth it.

I’ve lost track of how many doors

You’ve opened for me

All of them.

More than every guy I’ve ever known

Combined.

Six point five hours

Of tea

And stories

And theology

And fortune cookies

That lack any mysterious sentimental value

But taste okay.

It’s everything

I could have wanted.

And 97% less awkward than anticipated.

Book Review

If you're looking for a painfully hilarious

yet utterly profane and offensive 

gem of a novel

about high school sucking

and also cancer

but not in a sentimental or heart-rending way whatsoever

then might I recommend

Me and Earl and the Dying Girl

by Jesse Andrews

but probably don't give it to your mom when you're done

because it is seriously inappropriate 

also it has a killer cover.

“If after reading this book you come to my home and brutally murder me, I do not blame you.”
― Jesse Andrews, Me and Earl and the Dying Girl

College is a Time for Growth

Freshman year:
Leggings are positively not pants.

Sophomore year:
Leggings may or may not be pants.

Junior year:
Leggings are always pants, all of the time, in all of the situations.

Lexapro

I hate that little white pill that I take every morning
almost as much as I hate the orange one.

The one I'm currently weaning myself off of
so that my body doesn't explode or something

while I try to find another assortment of chemicals
that will do the job it is failing to do,

that will make me happy.


I hate having to swallow my happiness in a pea-sized capsule every morning
almost as much as I hate
when people fling their opinions at me
that Christians shouldn't take anti-depressants
they should just find more joy in God
as if that isn't the most offensive statement you could make
towards me at this very moment in time


I hate dominating the side effect list of every pill I ever swallow:
"excessive sweating, insomnia, inability to focus, loss of appetite, abnormal dreams, restlessness."

and not being able to sleep for two weeks
while I "figure out the right balance for my body."

I begged God for help
and He gave me this pill
and that doctor who gets me
and that other pill for when this pill stopped working.

And I hate that answer

almost as much
as I thank God for it every day.

This Semester

It's been the hardest semester yet.
In terms of classes and relationships and life happening and all of the other little loose ends.
And I am really glad it's over.
And I am really ready for a new start in January.

But in the meantime, here are some of the awesome things me and God did this semester:

developed a serious passion for my major
candlelit yoga
7 a.m. runs with a fantastic running partner
found a new best friend by the name of Kim
the Color Run
joined the best small group I've ever had the privilege of being a part of
long bike rides in the country getting lost and almost dying
kind of played tennis once
witnessed so many friends get baptized 

fully committed to the Fuel ministry
found a new church that feels like home
survived the absence of my best friend for SIX months
grew to understand and appreciate true friendship so much more
recovering from a terrifying missions trip and stolen life dreams
finding God in all of it
signed a lease
taught a sign language lesson to a group of college students
learned to accept and love the support of family - because I need it
read so many great books
developed a possibly unhealthy addiction to Pinterest and the #hashtag
identified a lot of my health problems!
didn't break or twist my ankle
celebrated my grandparents 50th wedding anniversary
attended an incredible night of worship
strengthened old friendships and discovered new
found humility in the brokenness
started knitting again
grew back the half of my hair that was shaved
made a rockin' cheesecake
wrote some pretty impressive papers
was handed a random book scholarship that I didn't even apply for
found my doppelganger
made friends with professors
found best friends in my roommates for life
watched the Cardinals in the World Series
witnessed people step up to sponsor Ethiopian darlings like it was their privilege
learned some serious life lessons

Or, as my friend Kim said,
"I've just grown stronger."

Never once did I ever walk alone.

This is a Haiku
about how much I like blackout poetry
I like it a lot

On Depression (9-24-13)

it's like you're locked in a glass box
in the middle of the desert
and it is always night
except when it's not

and it doesn't get cold
and it doesn't get hot

it just is
and you just are

and you just sit behind your glass walls
hoping someone calls your name
offers something
to break the chains
shatter the thin, hard surface
separating you
from them

a rock even
would do

but no one ever does
that's how it seems at least

they're living too much life to notice

did I mention that to them
it's not a desert
but a beach

your box
it never faces toward the sea

9-24-12

I'm reading a book that says
"God is change"

And that book is not the Bible.

I sure as hell hope that God is not change.
Because everything else is change,
and I was really banking on
Him being solid.